PLEASE ANSWER.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 38, 14 February 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

PLEASE ANSWER.

I have "been reading ,a took, (not & very uncommon thing, I'll admit), but I take up my pen to ask you humbly— On my bended .knees—these few questions, which have been worrying me until I am naught but skin and bone. Have you never felt in sympathy with the villain, and secretly thought the hero was a weak-minded, sentimental ass? I have, often, but perhaps it is because I am topsy-turvy, for, you see, I was made upside-down; it is very annoying. Then why must a villain or villa'iii6ss have sallow skin and shifty eyes I have one or two friends with* sallow skins, though I must admit they are not shifty-eyed. Am I imperilling my life by associating with them? They have, not proved false as yet, but one never knows, especially when my very wealthy great-aunt is old and I am next-of-kin; Have you seen a girl with violet eyes, shaded by thick, golden lashes, beautiful hair like ripe corn, an oval face, delicately tinted (naturally, I mean), with tiny hands and feet ? If you have, please tell me; I would be so grateful to you. You have no idea how I have searched everywhere for such a girl, but alack, in vain! Of course, I do not doubt there are'such people,- but I should be firmer in my beliefs if mine eye had truly beheld the vision. Though, now I come to think of it, I really only have to look in the mirror (?). I must say I get tired of gardenerheroes. You say you don't know what species they are ? Well, they are those heroes who use horticultural similes when describing the heroine, e.g., pansy brown eyes, cheeks like roses, pure as a lily, straight as a young birch, etc. And, please, how do you curl your lip in scorn, and smile with deadly hatred and malice? I have often tried to do so, before the looking-glass, but the only result is a ridiculous grimace. If anyone is versed in such arts, please write and tell me, and I shall take jirivate tutoring—£s for ten lessons. There is still something more. When you get in terrible, deadly passions, and do not wish the hero to see, because you are playing a double part, do you bite your lips so hard that the blood spurts forth, and dig' your finger nails in the palm of your hand, equally hard ? I once tried, but I hurt myself so much that I have never done so since. Then, just before I leave you, can you inform me of the whereabouts of a gallant, Bull Boggy Drummond man, to rescue me, a maiden in distress. My fate is in the hands of —guggle, guggle, the villain—-clutching—my—throat, rescue —full-hog.