THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 262, 5 November 1930, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

CHEERIO. It comforts one at various times, When one lias a crook spin, . / To think one missed the Pearly Gate 3, And stayed outside, not in. . i One contemplates the sick-room "wall, And chuckles merrily, There's Jimmy X—, he's laid up, too, And far, far worse than me. You often envy other chaps, Their homes, their lands, their hoot, The bloke, the cove, the hombre, and The golden-plated coot. • It's natural, though, to snigger, when you've envied Z —'s big pile, To read that Z— a bankrupt is, And is about to file. you limp along on gammy legs, . .'. Bemoan your painful toes, Envy the lad who leaps around And like a racehorse goes. Taihoa, old bird, before you growl Just contemplate, I beg, j Ttoe handicap of poor old Y—, He's got a wooden leg. Beshrew thee for a scurvy knave, If, rising from your couch, You, like a puling child behave, Or grizzle, gloom, or grouch. Yea, rise and shine, or even laugh. Square your shoulders, lift your head, , You're still alive —be that your staff, For myriads are dead. Many a politician has given the House o Lords a ■go'od blowing up, and been none th worse for it, but the gallant if misguide gentleman who tried.; t GUY FAWKES. do so on November- I 1605, suffered < all •th penalties the law allowed". He was shut i: the narrow prison of Little Ease, where, thoug. a man might stand, he could aot lie; -dragg© on a hurdle from the Tower to Parliamen House, and there hanged, drawn and quartern He also suffered by King James order i penalty our law has never allowed, the gentle tortures" (as the Royal instructions put it) and then, as he would riot confess his abettor* names, half an hour on the rack. James' wrot no fewer than sixteen questions, I which tli special tribunal appointed to try Guido Fawke was to ask him. One was "as to what he M for never yet hear of any man that.knov him" This was 'because he had been to twelve years fighting for . the' Spaniards u Flanders. Another question was "ae to wha crentlewoman's letter it was that -was found upon him." History does not record that eyei on the rack he answered this question. Km; James did not have to ask him why he wa waiting down there in the cellar below tn< Houses of Parliament, for when, on that event ful morning, he was dragged before the King he out with it all. "One of my objects/ h< sa,id "was to blow back the Scots into Scot land, and I am only sorry I failed." Fawke certainly died game. One of. the most tragi' relics preserved in the Record Office is hi: signature, weak and shaky, written by hm after he had undergone torture. . Imparted to a world with its accumulate* ear glued to a receiver listening for the. Hun that the first 'phone was used in Wellingtoi fifty years ago, longer than you remember ' my lad ! Contemporane DIAL NO. 99-000. ously with the laughte: caused by anything si useful in Poneke, our blood brothers of Blighty were elevating their noses at so iconoclastic an invention. . The British Post Office, if yoi remember, received a suggestion to have tele phones installed, a-t St. Martin's le Grand. Thi haughty aristocrat who received the startling threat.replied icily that the systefn of speak ing tubes in Her Majesty's G.P.O. made_ i unnecessary for supercession 'by any innovatioi (haw!). Present writer, mentally tottering back half a century, recalls a large business in a conservative English town where, how ever, several infatuated firms had installec the Hello. The splay-footed commander o the firm (rest his dear old whiskers!) indig nantly repudiated the vile suggestion that hi* speaking tubes and errand boys should b< scrapped to make way for anything else Poor old gentleman was peeved beyond prici j when a girl, holding a sinecure undeT his sway tremblingly told Jeremiah (that was. th£ olt gentleman's real given name) that she desire); to leave his service in order to become ai exchange girl. Jeremiah passionately pointec out that billets at eight shillings a week wen worth keeping and that a telephone job anine would only last temporarily, as "thN silly things" were ephemeral. Miss MattHews however, lived to put Jeremiah on to number! when the old conservative had been ultimately converted to the shocking machine. Speaking of early telephones reminds on< of early electric lighting, so determinedl] opposed by many ■ people who would havi opposed candles replacin; THE SWITCH, fat-lamps just as readily Taunton, .in Somerset was one of the first English towns to scatte: a few lights through its municipality, ? remarkable thing for an ancient town wit! a Norman cross to do. Contemporary idiots alarmed at anything that gave a good light sabotaged many switches, and happily oni sabotier received the shock , of his life —leadinj almost'to.his death. A bookseller particularly was the victim of organised attack. on thi innovation. He had electric door bells, too The lads of the village, finding that as lon< as the button 'bellpush was held the bell con tinued to ring, played fantasias continuously An ingenious soloist inventefcl the notion on< dark night of covering seriatim each bellpusl with, stiff clay, an invention that resulted ii much continuous campanology and a wealtl of expletive from owners. By Jove, it's i long time ago! At a recent' reunion of. former member* of the Stanley Bowling Club Mr. Joe Hollows one of the veteran players of the once numerous "H" teams, wa! PRECEPT anxious to take tally o: AND PRACTICE, how many of the :nem 'bers were present tha day. He found a sadly-depleted list, and t< his surprise only four could be numbered, jus enough to form one tejfm. Some good storio of the old teams were related, and onej ii particular, had .a "greeny" flavour about it A clergyman, who was one of the top-notcheri of the "H's," laid down a. bad bowl and whei he saw where it went said in desperation "That beggar has gone to blazes!" A playe: who followed him put down an equally bac shot, and, taking liberties on account of th< expression used by the cleric, said, "Oh, thai bowl has gone to hell!" "Tut-tut!" reprov ingly ejaculated the minister. "Oh, indeed,' replied the rebuked one. "You theologian* are good at splitting hairs. What is th< difference between the -word you used anc the one I did?" "None at all, my friend none at all," came the reply,. "but I hav< never forgotten what one of my old sore once told me: 'I want my students nol to do as I do, but to do as I tell them!'" WALK OR RIDE'. A recent advertisement for a holidaj residence contained the announcement "twentj minutes' walk, fifteen minutes car from town.' : M.A.T. wonders whether it is a case of quick walking or slow riding. No distance ie mentioned. ' A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY. Government is a necessary evil, like othei go-carts and crutches. Our need of it shows exactly how far we are still children. —Oliver Wendell Holmes.