IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 187, 9 August 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

The prize this week goes to P. Barnes, Panmure Road, Ellerslie, for: AN OUT-SIZE WATCH. A man. who was moving to another house had a grandfather's clock which he prized very much, and so to avoid any misfortune to the clock decided to carry it around to his new home on his back. On his way, turning a corner, he collided with.a pedestrian who remarked irritably: "Why can't you be like anyone else and wear a wristlet watch. THE NEW LOVE. Old Lady (to amorous couple sitting out at dance): I hope you two are engine Lady: I am. I don't know if he is! UP-TO-DATE. .Mother (scolding her two small daughters): You are very naughty, disobedient little girls. Smaller Daughter (reproachfully): Oh, muminie, don't be cross; you have your cocktail, bridge and theatres, where we only have our disobedience. A TERRIBLE RUSH. On his'way home Smith met a married friend of his running homewards at top speed, with a curious-looking parcel under his arm. "Hallo, Jim!" he yelled. "Why this hurry?" Jim did not stop, but shouted over his shoulder: "New hat for my wife! Running home before it is out of fashion!" THE SECRET OUT. Prompted by curiosity, a farmer had grown a crop of flax and had a tablecloth made of linen. Some time later, he remarked to a visitor at dinner: "I grew this tablecloth myself!" It was obvious the guest had no idea how tablecloths came into being, so the farmer lowered his voice and in a whisper added: "If you promise not to give the secret away I'll tell you. I planted a table napkin!" A "CUTTING" REMARK. At a flower service in a provincial church the minister grew eloquent about the lessons to be drawn from the works, of Nature. "In every blade of grass," he said, "there is a sermon " A -day or two afterwards a member of his congregation discovered him in -his garden, busily engaged in pushing a lawnmower. -"Well, Mr. Blank," he said to the minister, "I'm pleased to find that you are cutting, your sermons short." PROPORTIONATE. "And what is your pleasure, madame?" asked the superbly dressed shopwalker, as a little woman in black bustled in. "I want a cap for my husband." The shopwalker introduced her to a young man who knew all about headgear. "What size does your husband wear, madame?" "Er —well, really I forget," admitted the lady with' a blush; "but his collars are sixteen, I expect he'd want an eighteen or twenty for a cap, wouldn't he?" Two old people applied for parish relief from the relieving officer. He was considering the case when he received an indignant letter from two old ladies protesting against the relief being granted on the grounds of extravagance. They wrote: "These two only last week bought a fire extinguisher and they have not used it yet!" He was standing pale and haggard. "What's wrong old chap?" inquired a friend. "Toothache," groaned the other. "Had'nt. a wink of sleep all night." "Ah," said the friend, "you should try my system. Just repeat to yourself 50 times a day, 'Get behind me, pain/ " "Not likely," snapped the sufferer, angrily. "Do you think I want lumbago?" A portly woman of very elusive beauty was addressing a meeting on temperance reform. "My friends," she said. "I had a husband who was addicted to the bottle. He was a great trial to me. But one day I persuaded him to take the pledge. He did so, and my joy was so great, so overwhelming, that I flung my arms around his neck and kissed him." "And serve him jolly well right!" added a voice from the crowd.

r Prize for Best Story j For the best anecdote sent in each week a prize !l! a [ Five Shillings will be awarded. While in jjj -— judging preference will be given to local stories, < jij sS i£J: i.ysA 1 decision must be regarded as final. All mtended :;j for competition must be received at this office by the ;;; Monday preceding publication. The envelopes contain- ||j ing contributions must be endorsed with the words :ji "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed v jjj Editor, "The Auckland Star," Auckland. ]ij

House-broken. "Why does a red-headed woman always marry a meek man?" "She doesn't. He just gets that way.* Time for Furs. Niece: Oh! Isn't the water cold? Auntie: Well, you will wear those flimsy bathing suits. Easy Come, Easy Go. "Whenever you see a quitter," said Uncle Eben, "you's liable to see a man dat was'n' much of a beginner in de fust place." Two Hearts That Beat as One. "Do you ever agree with your wife?" "I did once, when our house was burning down, and we both tried to get out first at the door!" Hot-Weather Tip. She wore her stockings inside out All through the summer heat. She said it cooled her off to turn The hose upon her feet. Gymnasium Credit. "You didn't roll your own cigarette! before. 'Why do you do so now!" "Because the doctor told me I needed a little exercise." Boy Who Made Good. Null: I started out on the theory that the world.has an opening for me. Void: And you found it? Null: Well, rather. I'm in the hole now. Dangerous Amiability. Teacher: Robert, if you are always very kind and polite to all your playmates, what will they think of you? Robert: Some of 'em would think they could lick me!

Owning Up. Habitual Sponger: Smith has just refused to lend me a five-spot. Did you think there were such mean people in the world? His Audience: Yes, I'm another like that, myself. • i'Quo Vadis? Policeman (to motorist who nearly collided): Don*t you know that you should always give half of the road to a woman driver? Motorist: I always do, when I find out which half she wants. Division of Labour. Wife (at busy crossing): Now, remember, Herbert, the brake is on the lef t>-or is it the right—but don't— Henpecked Husband: For heaven's sake stop chattering. Your job is to smile at the policeman! Girl's Best Friend. , "Mama," said her little six-year-old daughter, "please button my dress." "You will have to do it yourself, dear," was the reply. "Mother's too busy." "Oh, dear! exclaimed the little girl. "I don't know what I'd do without. myself." Indeterminate Sentence. An uplift worker, visiting a prison, was much impressed by the melancholy attitude of one man she found. "My poor man," she sympathised, "what is the length of your term?' "Depends on politics, lady," replied the melancholy one. "I'm the warden.'