IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 103, 3 May 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

The prize this week goes to Miss T. Neilson, 928, Dominion Road, Mount Eden, for WHAT A FIX! Little Mary was in a very thoughtful mood when her mother announced that dinner was nearly ready. "What are you thinking about, child? she asked, noticing the serious expres--4,ll"Mummy," said Mary, "When I get married will it be to a man like daddy l "Of course, darling." "But if I don't get married shall I be like auntie, then?" "Yes, dear, you will. - The little girl sighed wearily. *My stars" she murmured, "What a fix. tough luck. Butcher: Excuse me, madam, but you haven't yet paid me for the turkey you had at Christmas. . Customer: No, my husband, sprained his wrist so badly carving it that he hasn't been able to write out your cheque yet. A FOND ILLUSION. The fair visitor to the cells was offering words of cheer,- and to convict 919 she- murmured: "But, my good man, you must remember that stone walls a prison make, nor iron bars a cage! "They don't, lady!" he replied. "Then, believe me, for the last four years I must a' bin perishin' well 'ypnotised. A WAY OUT. A Scotsman was suffering very badly with toothache, but was reluctant to pay for extraction. However, as the pain became worse he was obliged to go to the dentist. "What's your charge for polling out a tooth?" he asked. ; "Three shillings!" replied the dentist. "That's a lot of money," commented Sandy- "Would you no be willing to slacken it a little for a shilling. I could manage the rest of the operation masel." NO FEAR. A tramp asked the proprietor of. a cir-. cus for a job. He was informed that he could become a lion-tamer —that all he had to do was to walk into the cage and make the lions eat out of his hand. He was assured that the whole secret was in forcing the lions to believe he wasn't afraid of them. "No," said the tramp. "I don't think I'll take the job. I couldn't be so deceitful." BEEN HAD ONCE. Bolger had shot a duck in a small lagoon near Goulburn, and for a couple.of minutes before. going .in to get it, he stood on the bank throwing sticks at it. "What's the idea ?" I asked him. "Want -to make sure it's dead," he answered. "One time I swam out to a duck I'd shot in a big swamp, an' just as I got to it, after tusslm'.with a lot o' weeds, it woke, up an' flew away. Mtfat 'ave been only .stunned; since then I ;always make sure."'

[ A WEDDING RENUNCIATION, | A gipsy woman wishing' to get married, I but knowing nothing of the service, interviewed the clergyman, who explained [matters, found the marriage eervica for her, and told her to learn the answera to the quotations, I She put her finger in the place, but dropped the book on the way home. She ! thought she had found the place again, | but it was the Catechism, On her wedding day at the altar, the* rector asked, "Wilt thou have this man to be they wedded husband?" She replied, "I renounce tho devil and all his. works." > MUTUAL AGREEMENT. : A certain bishop on a visit out West, | after travelling many miles of bad roads, met a miner with a dog team. They :stopped and talked some time. - "What w*a your road like?" asked the bishop. The miner broke into violent abuse* of i the road, describing it in the most picturesque terms of pi'ofanity, finishing up With the question: "An' what kind o ? road did you have V' ' The bishop, who had listened in silence ;to the miner's replied feelingly: "Same as yours," HOW BRIDGET LOST HER CHARACTER. An Irish servant girl travelling to England to take a new situation, frequently opened and read the reference given by her late employer, which was suddenly lost overboard by a heavv wave. A priest, who noticed her crying; bitterly, inquired the reason, and promised to write out another one, which read: "This is to certify that Bridget O'Brien lost her good character on the steamship Erin between Dublin avil Holyhead."

p Prize for Best Story For the best anecdote sent in each week a prize — of Five Shillings will be awarded. While in : - judging preference will be given to local stones, ; contribution, need not be original, but m Leasesthe j source from which taken should be stated, ihe tditor s ; decision must be re g arded as final A 1 for competition must be receded at this ©ace by the ; Monday preceding publication. I ine contributions must be endorsed with th® words . "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressred ; Editor, "The Auckland Star, Auckland. • " ' }

Heckler: "Why do you wear that silly " monocle? Speaker: "Because I have & '• weak eye." "Then why don't yon wear '< a glass hat?" • i "And how have you been getting on, Mrs. Mumble?" "Ah, Miss not too well. t \ My poor 'usband 'ad a parallel stroke, and we've 'ad a hard time trying to make both ends meet." Hubby: "What! Dinner Isn't ready again? Then I'm going to a restaur- ' ant." Wife: "Oh," just wait five minutes, sweetheart!" "Will it be ready then?" "No, I'll come with you." Foreman: "Send in young Clancy. I saw him smoking on a load of powder a while ago, and I'm going to fire him." ' Kafferty: "Well, sorr, here's a part of ' his hat." ... Mrs. A: "Mrs. Upton has two servants in her house now, I understand.*. Mrs. B: "That's nothing; we invariably have two in our house—one going and » the other coming." A minister, hearing that an oM maM . in his congregation was to marry, went , to congratulate her. The lady replied* "All, weel, minister, there's nae truth in it, but thank God for the rumour." . "Rastus, why do you eaU your baby Sam Pro. Tem. Johnson?" "Well, baas, we kinder thought dat young Sam might like to choose his name when growed up, so we done got put in Tro. Tem' aa a ; warnin' to de public." ; Two children were engaged in an ab- , 3orbing conversation. "What are Anar- . dusts?" asked one. "0h T they are people who want "everything anyone else hasi, and they never wash themselves,® anr swered the other. "Oh. I see. They ard - just little boys growed up."

The Reason. ■ Gentleman (coming round the corner) : What are you putting that muz2le on your little brother for ? Tommy: 'Cos I'm sen Jin' 'im for som* toffeej Breaking It Gently., Patient: You don't think Fll recover then, doctor 1 Doctor: Well, I won't say that; but I wouldn't advise" you to start any serial' stories. Naval Cuts. Instructor: How is your father getting on with his reducing exercises? Small Son: Oh, fine! The battleship .. he had tattooed'on his chest is only a rowing boat now. Very Reliable. ■ Farmer Haye: That Jones toy who used to work for you wants me to give , him a job. Is he steady? • Farmer Seetle: Well, if he was any steadier he'd be motionless. » Heads I Win! The Scotsman presented a penny to the boy for having carried his heavy portmanteau from Euston to Charing Cross. "What's this 1" the /boy said, wearing a. look of disgust. ! "Heads," said the Scotsman, and snatched the coin back. Fast Work. When the young woman who had entered college to get a degree announced her engagement to her professor in the middle of her second year,, her friend said: "But, Edith, I thought you Came here to pet ycur Ph. D. ?" . "So I did," returned Edith, "but I had no idea I'd get him so soon."