RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 57, 8 March 1930, Page 3 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

■gKMiac

None of the city librarians meeting at the Auckland conference brought his banned. Children will be forbidden to buy fireworks. Only dad can do it. Sort of a "Fawkes pa." There is much change among the police, but change or no change, a copper is only a copper. Glad to notice that traffic inspectors will lecture school children as to safety crossing roads. Will their fathers and mothers please lean over the playground fence and listen too? Our Tom Heeney remarked on an historic occasion that Shakespeare was dead. This makes him one up on Mr. Goldstein, of Toronto, who thinks he is still alive. An Italian brigand set fire to the hut his fiancee was in, singing a love serenade as she was burnt to death. These Latins have a warm regard for the ladies. No, Horace, I do not credit the report that in its eagerness to obliterate the Samoan organisation the New Zealand Government intends to change the name of that delectable fish of ours, the maumau. You may have noted that the dear old question of Free Trade versus Protection is still intriguing O. Henry had a word on the subject in one of his inimitable stories:— 111 fares the land with considerable velocity, Where it's all Free Trade and no reciprocity. It was decided recently that the judge in the pipe band contest should not be shut up in a tent. lam very glad to notice that the movement for the prevention of cruelty to animals makes such steady progress.

A Yorkshire man who is a member of the party of British farmers now touring New Zealand, peremptorily refused an invitation to morning tea, which he irreverently referred to as a "bun fight." The slow progress of civilisation in England, as compared with New Zealand, is regrettable.

In the house versus house cricket match Bill, the hope of his side, went in to batl His wife wished him luck. He was out first ball. "You weren't there long, Bill," said his wife. "No," said Bill, I didn't want to stay out there. Too cold."

It is understood that the statement Of the chairman at Mr. Jenkins' meeting, that he could not pretend to.distinguish Parnell electors, has given offence in Parnell. The electors there, of course, are distinguishable by their beauty and intelligence.

Political jeux d'esprits are infrequent. Mr. Wallace is not a politician, but he has had narrow escapes. In the place where Mr. Wallace lives there wa3 a mock parliament. A lady greatly interested asked Mr. Wallace: "Have you ever seen a mock parliament?" "I've never seen any other, kind," replied Mr. Wallace.

One rather wonders, don't you know, what is to be done about the unfortunate New .Zealand child who is being so constantly overhauled and mourned about as a failure. Some country people were exceedingly amused when the visiting authority said the children didn't *get sufficient turnip tops. The same authority had decided objections to giving the children cocoa.

The point of view. A lady and her husband went to see the flying at the aerodrome. They were greatly fascinated. "How much do they charge to take a passenger?" asked the lady. "A shilling a minute,"-said. he. ."Good gracious! that's a perfectly frightful charge!" "Oh, I don't know," said the husband. . "At that rate you could go home and back again for fifteen shillings," "Oh, isn't that cheap!" said the lady.

After the Bisley shoot the Home newspapers burst out into pictures showing the King's Prizeman, laughing hilariously, being chaired by people obviously in the most cheerful mood. Even' the police are cackling. After a New Zealand Trentham shoot the champion ie chaired by people who, except that they are not wearing mourning, show all the symptoms of respect for the dear departed. Why? Is rifle shooting a pastime or an ordeal?

We have witty judges even as the Old Country has its Darlings. There was a case before a New Zealand judge. One of the witnesses, asked what was her profession, replied. "I am a dermatologist." The judge asked her what a dermatologist is. The lady explained that the word is from the Latin "dermis" the skin. She .was a skin specialist. Later it became necessary to show what degree of mutual interest there was between the lady and her sister: "Oh, we don't see much of each other, sir," said the beauty specialist to the judge; "of course if we meet in the street we nod." "Ah!" said his Honor, ','1 see! Speaking dermatolcgically, your ■acquaintance is merely skin deep."

THE MERGER. An American oil merger is to be formed and the amalgamated capital will be £180,000,000. Oh what a funny thing 'twould be ' If all the billionaires on earth, Refused to merge their £ s. d. And merged good deeds for all they re worth! At present Yanks are rather peeved With measly millions in their sox, And strive with sweat to raise a pile Of billions made in merger stocks. Now s'pose these hefty trust hands merged Love, peace, good deeds, sweet charity. Spent all their gold on the submerged, Advocating cosmic parity. Suppose the boodle hunters scorned Piling the billions one on one, Suppose they used their influence In scrapping every bally gun. I merely crave "thou,". A farm or two, .a few State bonds, Four feeds a-day, two suits of clothes, Change for a pound in silver spoons. If I were John D. Rockefeller One meal a time would do me fine, I'd never wear two suits at once Or for two pairs of shoes repine. It's very, very, very wrong To corner all the things we use— Bread, butter, milk, wheat, oats or flour— To do so I shall still refuse. I do not sigh for much fine gold Or riches rare to fill my sock, I merely wish a million pounds Invested in oil merger stock. —C.L J. i