THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 264, 7 November 1929, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) ARMS AND THE MAN. An attempt has been made in Parliament to render '■ it possible for citizens to. possess unregistered firearms. Oh, if I ere a P ious s P°i t i " With a double-barrelled gun !. : To shoot clay pigeons from a mat, , And other harmless fun; If I'd a rabbit rifle; too, Or target pistols; sir, I'd see the senior sergeant and ' ' Of course I'd register. Oh if I were an Al crook With automatic squirts, " A sawn-off shotgun, gelignite, And everything that hurts; If I'd a jemmy, centre bit, Revolvers, bombs; absurd To think I'd hasten to the cops And have them registered. I have seven riSes (magazines), Six fowling pieces, too, Five automatic pistols and Revolvers (just a few). They stand in beauty side by side, Propped up against a wall. Harmless! No powder can I buy— 1 The girls have got it all! The girls face powder, so maybe When danger men alarms The girls will to the rescue come At once; and spring to arms. Now that ocean liners are floating hotels, habitual landsmen who occasionally partake of sea life suggest that the time-honoured helm orders of port and starPORT YOUR board should be abolished, HELLUM! substituting left and Commander F. G. Cooper, R.D., R.X.R., puts the new idea in writing- "The pilot reaches the bridge by means°of a special lift fitted for the purpose; no more weary climbing the eide by means or a Jacob's ladder. Arrived on the lofty structure called the bridge, the following colloquy ensues: Pilot, 'Good day, Captain; fine passage, I hope? Slow ahead and right a little, followed by 'wheel ainiddle, accelerate to fuLl speed and straight as she goes. 5 A little later the pilot gives the order 'Left a little, hard aleft,' then 'Middle your helm and straight on, my lad'; turning to the officer of the watch he says, 'Let me know, sir, when that buoy on the right is opposite tq us, I am going into the map room.' A little, later the officer goes to the map room and reports that the buoy on the right is about fifty yards away; the pilot returns to the bridge, takes a look around, and requests that a sailor be told to throw the lead. Leadsman, chanting to a jazz tune: - .

Twenty yards and a-half, Twenty yards, Eighteen and a-quarter yards, Eighteen yards, and so on in the new phraseology, reminding one of drapers, not sailors."

It was half an hour to dinner time in a suburban home. The lady of the house was indisposed and was lying on the: sofa in the' study feeling too tired to THE AROMA. superintend .the... preparation of the meal. "I think there must be something burning in the kitchen," said she to one of her ■ children. "Itsmells like rubber. Do go out and see wh'at it is." The child investigated and returned to the >study with, "It's only the tripe cooking, mother." I:can't make out," said the man- who "informs M.A.T. of this domestic incident, "is that the tripe tasted, first class. It looked like rubber, it smelledlike .burning rubber, but when it ..came to, table it was emphatically tripe." Dear M.A.T.,—Gleaning lots of knowledge as Well as entertainment from your column, I would be : obliged if you could put me right as to the etiquette of the NEXT, PLEASE ! barber's shop. On my way ... home from toil the other evening I dropped in at our suburban barber's shop for a "trim." I was next on the waiting list and patiently waiting my turn when I suddenly remembered my bike pump left on my bike outside. * Having had a pump "borrowed" under very similar circumstances, I mentioned to the barber (who agreed with me) that I should go out and get it. Returning with the pump, I also mentioned, as a matter of form to the strange gentleman who had come in during "my absence where I had been. Imagine my surprise, when the barber shouted "Next, please!" and I jumped to it, to be promptly forestalled by the.latest arrival, who said, "Nae, nae, ma laddie, ye've lost yer turrn by rising frae yer seat." Hβ was already in the chair, and, seeing that he was determined, and: thinking that he might be a valuable " customer, I said, "Kighto," and walked out, intending to call in some other night. However, I was speedily brought back by my good friend the'barber, who had relegated the claim jumper to the waiting list. After a mild argument, carried on per medium of the. mirror in front of me, my opponent finished-up by saying, "Neverr mind; if this had happened in P (naming a suburb famous for its football teams) ye would no hae got yer turn back."—D.D. ■- ■ :.-._...

A sympathetic discussion in Parliament on miners' phthisis may result in the increase.in pensions to sufferers from it. Reminds one that pity for sufferers MAN MUST WORK, from "occupational diseases has induced many improvements in hygiene, so that people who were formerly regarded as inevitably doomed by reason of their jobs are now more tenderly treated. • The two trades notoriously dajnaging to the workers were the old-faehioned match trade and any trade using ground glass. The match trade gave the workers "phossy" jaw and the ground glass business the phthisis which.attacks some kinds of miners still. Particles of glass or quartz are inhaled into the lungs with unhappy results. A case of inhalation of quartz dust gave a New Zealand doctor who made the post-mortem examination the opportunity of demonstrating that a match might be struck on the lung surface of the subject. On the other hand, one reads of the reunion of an English coal miner's family to celebrate the completion of his sixty-fifth year underground. He was still at it and belonged to the fourth generation of coal miners.

"Thank you," said the polite salesman, handing ■me■ my parcel. "Thank you," said I, accepting it. "Thank you," said he as -'I .passed over the necessary THANKS. coin. "Thank you," said lie, passing me over some change. "Thank you," said I, accepting it. "Thank you," said he as I turned to depart. "Thank you," I found myself murmuring dazedly as I went over the shop door step. And all this, believe me, because I had bought a threepenny tin of sardines. Well, well, well, aren't we polite? —Tuahine.

' Dear M.A.T., —May I mention frogs again so soon? I know a creek where some-pretty little green chaps live. Nice running water like I thought they did A FROG HE WOULD, not like. I paid an afternoon call on a man who was ploughing nearby and he asked me to fill his tea bottle with Adam's ale. I rinsed the bottje • nicely, then just held it under and admired the surroundings till . the bubbling stopped. The thirsty man drank deeply, then thanked me as he stood the bottle down. It upset and- out spilled the rest of the water; and there, hopping in the dampness, was the sweetest little green frog I ever saw. By the way that man clapped his hand to his tummy I. know he did not suspect that it had come down from the sky. He uses a clear bottle to drink water out of now. I can tell you where the creek is if you don't believe - frogs grow that •BmalL- T E.P.B, '''■''/ y'./•'■.