THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 221, 18 September 1929, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

THE WHISPER. There's the whisper that you get with influenza ("I can't talk") ; , There's the whisper that you pet across the phones ("I'll be right up") ; There's the whisper that says "Yes ; There's the whisper that says jso J .„„„„. There are whispers in a thousand different tones , There is the whisper you get from your bootlegger ("Scotch or rye?") ; . There's the whisper that you get from ma-in-law ("You great, big brute! ) ; But the whisper that I dread, When I'm nearly off my head, Is the office boy's—"Your wife is at the dooi. —Anon. (U.S.A.)

Experts everywhere in the great world discuss the prevalence of "nervous breakdowns" and the causes. An appropriately-named specialist, Dr. G. E. NERVES. Mould, of Sheffield, declares that among the causes of nervous strain and its results are golliwogs for kiddies instead of dolls, noise, bad films and several other things that need not be mentioned. The eminent person declares, too, that we must read sane books only, but he doesn't say who is to be the judge (barring himself) of sane books, and personally one isn't going to confine oneself to the doctor's selection; Tennyson, Shakespeare, Trollope and Scott. But in M.A.T.'s opinion the remarks of Dr. Edward Mapother, med. sup. of Maudsley Hospital, are even quainter. From the neurotic's standpoint, says he, "it is better to live dangerously than to play pawky." One imagines, therefore, the man with the frayed nerves achieving new mental health by merely dodging centre poles in his car, pausing to play marbles in the centre of Queen Street, daring the ninety-nine midnight motor bikes as they whizz past his dwelling and generally going the whole hog in regard to a vivacious life. The specialist says, "Dreary second-rate lives devoid of all worth living for are a more frequent cause of mental disorder than overwork or disaster." The gratis advice to live dangerously will be wildly welcomed.

It may have occurred to you as you read of the horrors undergone in remote shacks in various parts of New Zealand during recent years that in a country INSPECTION. of inspectors one brand of

official interferer is too scarce. You may be sure that if you have vegetable fireblight, or fruit pest, or rabbits, or noxious weeds, that John Government will sooner or later send a deputy to stir you up as you deserve. You can't even neglect mammitis, or smallpox, measles, scarlet fever, or foul brood in bees. If you live in an urban district somebody will very justly see that your rubbish bin doesn't get over the odds; if you live long enough in a slum an inspector will report and there will be a good chance of the dear old home being either hygienised or destroyed. The community insist because the community is camped right round the slum and they don't like it. But in remote places it is apparent (both in New Zealand and elsewhere) that benevolent interference by constituted authorities is absent, possibly because it is.nobody's job. In some of the cases of shocking housing in remote places there has been no excuse of poverty. An official Nosey Parker might even save lives with his interference.

Dear M.A;T., —The burgesses of Sleepy Hollow met at the Town Pump last night at the hour of the full moon to consider their atti-

tude towards the seventy ALL IN FAVOUR, men they are paying at

Wellington to spend their money. Mr. R. Van Winkle occupied the bucket. Mr. Bottom moved that a night telegram be sent to the honourables directing each one to cut the cackle and get to business, or else to resign to mind their own business. The seconder was Mr. Mat Hatter, who thought he would like the job of scraping the mud off the Assembly walls and seats. A further motion was brought forward by Mr. P. B. Publico and seconded by Mr. A. Citizen as follows: "That the Governor-General appoint a Royal Commission of three specialists (1) an alienist, to examine each member's head to discover the cocci which causes him to indulge in futile personalities in lieu of getting on with the country's business; (2) a police analyst to determine if the beverages at Bellamy's are too blatant, or whether the Opium Act is being broken in the library; (3) a public actuary to furnish a table showing, to'the nth place of decimals, the cost per second per adult of the useless verbiage of each member to date." A third motion was brought down by Mr. G. Fawkes and seconded by Mr. T. Oates, "That application be called for a ton of T.N.T. and a squad of mine layers to replace the present 'ins' by seventy 'outs' now down at the sign of 'The Jasper Calder Hostelry.'" At this stage the cows were heard calling across the sands of Dee, and the meeting silently stole away, nemini contra dissenti.—Mar Chair.

The eye of the ratepayer is ever on the City Father. The facetious dweller in the suburbs regards a Mayor or councillor as a licensed object for many THE RETORT, pleasantries. The official hears sparkling jokes about drainpipes, jeux d'esprits on tar and sand, epigrams on concrete and bon mots about wharves. And at a recent dance the suburban father, renewing his youth, pirouetted past, holding in his arms a fair young partner. The facetious ratepayer, also dancing, each time he passed indulged in that form of badinage known as "throwing off." Then said the official with a smile, "Look here—ha-ha!—this insult shall be wiped out in blood." Then replied the witty one, "All right, go ahead; I'm anaemic!" A gentleman attired in the height of 'fashion, carrying a handsome hat and a solid leather attache case (all indicating wealth), came into MA.T.'s office THE CORMORANT, and measured a piece of table with his forearm. "It was about eighteen inches," lie said solemnly. "What was about eighteen inches?" asked M.A.T. "The eel," he said, and continued: "When I was carrying my swag in the Manawatu about thirty years ago, I saw a shag flying over the river 'downstream with an eel in its mouth. It had a poor hold, its beak about amidships the eel. I watched to see how the cormorant would manage; whether he would swallow the eel doubled, or juggle for an end. That astute bird, flying along the top of the water, released his prey for a fraction of a second, dived deftly for the head, and took a new hold. In a few seconds the eel ,had slithered to his last home, and the shag was flying low for trout." Take care of the pence, and the pounds will take care of themselves. The same is true of cents and dollars, centimes and francs, postage. stamps and tenTHE INVESTORS, shilling notes. Nearly all millionaires as boys used to go without food, save the halfpence and buy shares. Animated by this impulse, a coterie of local young men, addicted to overtime and the occasional receipt of tea money, decided to go without tea, the accumulated savings being imprisoned in a tobacco box to await investment. Hungry but optimistic, these gentlemen found a suitable investment in Tasmania, which has retumel to the investors the sum of. £30. The receipt of this sum of money has induced many interesting domestic speculations as to where to put the new carpet or the new piano, and has been the reason for a great deal of harmless hilarity among the shareholders. But it has a valuable moral lesson too. Had these young investors persisted in the gross pleasures of the table and i wasted their money in the mere satisfaction of dietetic desires, the domestic partners of their joys and sorrows could not have shared i the delight of money prudently invested. Thrift [returns dividends.