THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 215, 11 September 1929, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

• (By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) MY ADVICE; Even Dean Inge, who advocates shorts to replace trousers, is sticking to his gloomy breeches and gaiters.—London cablegram. If evervone would only take The other chap's advice. Oh don't you think that life would be Exceptionally nice? I long to see a prelate preach Attired in canvas shorts. And pantless peers attend the In jackets known as sports. I long to see my doctor pals Take their own medicine, And pious persons giving up Their own particular sin. Oh. may I see the glad day when New Zealand shrieks with mirth If told, besides us, that there are Some other folks on eartn. I really think the world will grow Exceptionally nice When I .have told it what to do, And it takes my advice. The death of Malcolm Scott the comedian will remind many people of his fighting brother, Admiral Percy Scott, who was more of a tragedian than a comeTHE COW GUN. dian. He was addicted to

war and gunnery and was one of the inventors of modern efficiency with reeking tubes and iron shards. He is remembered best by hoary ones as having advised the War Office in 1899, or thereabouts, that navy guns mounted and brought ashoie were things to be reckoned with. So in South Africa this long, ugly ironmongery, manned by Tars in khaki, almost indistinguishable from Tommy except for the seagoing hat, were seen bogged all- over Africa and pulled out by bullocks. That's why the navy and the army called 'em "cow guns." There were times when Scott's guns were not bogged at all. Then they were terrors and made a fearful mess of the scenerj-.. Captain Scott, as he was then, tried to take one of these cow guns up the Devil's Kantor, an immensely steep aclivity on the road to Barberton. He tried the pull with one hundred and forty span of trek oxen, and, of course, most of the bullocks, were dragging chain. Canadian horsemen gave a hand by hitching their ropes to the gun, winding the loose end round their saddle horns and standing their horses up. Infantry pushed behind. Many of the bullocks pulled their toes off. Nothing would hold Scott's gun.- Scott, having done his fair darndest, sat down on a bank and cried. At a steep spot the great gun pulled all the bullocks downhill, the Canadians cut their ropes, the infantry cleared for their lives, and gun and bullock's slid with a crash into the valley, heaven knows how many hundred yards down. French (Lord Ypres) arrived in Barberton and threatened to blow up the town with the cow gun. There wasn't a cow gun or any other artillery. Still, there were rifles.

The mysterious man who accosted a stranger in an Auckland Street, gave him a sum of money, and mentioned that he would call for it again, but did £ S D. not, will intrigue many newspaper readers, who rarely have men awarding them wealth gratis. What will intrigue them most, however, will be the words "a sum of money stated to be a large one," for it will create the pleasing speculation as to what is a large sum of money. For instance, M.A.T. has just read a- modern novel in which the noble peer, haggard and harassed by the iniquitous taxation of the Old Land, sells his knick-knacks and the old baronial hall and sinks into gripping poverty with absolutely nothing left but a couple of London houses and ten thousand a year. Misery, gaunt and spectral, pursues this unhappy man into the last chapter and throws him into the family vault. Then there is tlie man with the pound note at the races. He puts it on a number. ' The horse wins. He takes a sum of money (said to be a large one), in short, twelve pounds. Speaking nationally, knights of the nib frequently juggle inkily with sums of money (said to be small ones) and mention trifling amounts of five millions or ten millions as we mention five shillings and ten shillings on Friday. For a committee sitting to decide what is a large sum, M.A.T. would nominate Mr. Henry Ford, the Duke of Westminster and Jack Jacks of Freeman's Bay, waterside worker.

Dear M.A.T., —I did enjoy myself on Saturday. My old friend Sam telephoned to say he was up from Dunedin and wanted to see a League match. SAM'S VISIT. Would I come? Of course

■ the feelings of a host must be subservient to the wishes of his guest, and although I am a Union fanatic I agreed. For fifty minutes I stood on the terrace while, the rain fell, and that depressive feeling thatj according to the patent medicine ads., steals over you like a thief in the night became heavier and heavier. Then a South Island back got hurt and retired and was replaced by Mr. Boogan. Now Mr. Boogan is no Cooke, he has not acquired the Pavlova grace of our Freddy, the Minns dash for the corner exists not in his stock-in-trade, but, by heavens! can't he tackle. Mr. Shorthand jumped clean through from the scrum. Like a buck rabbit he sped, leaving a distended defence an outlying thing of rags. The full-back, anticipating a sidestep, brilliantly dived to where Mr. Shortland wasn't. A clear field, and the patriots on the bank chortling with glee. Then Mr. Boogan realised that his hour had struck, and simultaneously Mr. Shortland realised that something had struck him. It wasn't a tackle, it was an explosion on contact. The nonnecessity of a burying party spoke volumes regarding the benefits of Mr. Shortland's earlier training. Mr. Delgrosso then started a crafty, deep-laid, schemy movement. Full of guile it was and as slick as paint. By sheer bluff he worked his way onward, till, on a nice muddy patch, he came face to face-with Mr. Boogan. First he feinted to the rieht, then he feinted to the left, then,.with the aid of two Zam Buks and two buckets of water, he recovered from the faint that Mr. Boogan gave him.. On later inquiry I found that our hero hailed from the West Coast. I think we can safely infer that that portion of the Shaky Isles will be free from seismic disturbances while he is footling away his time up here.— Pay Jay.

_ An interesting discussion is proceeding at Home as to whether mankind should lock up incurable criminals for life. Conan Doyle, who twtt rpnmre W !?. tes immensel y inter--IME CROOKS. estmg but impossible things about criminals, agrees that they should stay under the watchful eye of the law until they die. One philanthropist, pointing out that criminals are engaging folk except for one incurable bias, says he invites released crooks to his home. They always .steal something. Normal humanity has a sneaking regard for the crook whose warped mud permits him to do the things the normal imprisons him for. For instance, Conan Doyle himself frequently permits Sherlock Holmes to show the most "ardent pity for the murderer. In one story a nice, large, beautiful seafarer who loves another man's wife kills the husband. Sherlock Holmes is so highly pleased with the nice, larae. handsome young murderer that the officfal police are never called and, of course, the nice, large murderer marries the girl. And in all stories of fui a d 6 d T detechves the official Police are fright-

A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY,

Cheerfulness is an excellent weaving quality It has been called "the bright weather of the heart."— Samuel Smiles.