IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 52, 2 March 1929, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

Prize far Best Story ' For the best anecdote sent in each - of Five Shilling, will be awarded. Wbde u judging preference will be given to local contributions need not be original, but in j source from which taken should be stated. The Edit cision must be regarded as final. All anecdotes 'ntendedfor competition must be received at this office by the Men y preceding publication. The envelopes containing contributions must be endorsed with the words Anccdolfin the top left-hand corner, and address«d Editor, Ino Auckland Star,*" Auckland.

The prize this week is awarded for: HORI AND THE FROG. The school teacher wanted some information about frogs, so she set the class the task of supplying it. This is what young Hori wrote: "What a queer bird the frog are, when he sit he stand almost, when he hop he fly almost, he ain't got no sense hardly either, he ain't got no tail hardly either, he sit on what he ain't got almost" Hori wasn't told, but the teacher liked his contribution better than any of the others. HIS GOOD NEWS. Anxious Wife: Oh, tell me, doctor, is my husband seriously ill? Doctor: Yes, indeed he is, but I congratulate you. His disease is of great scientific value to the world. THE CULPRIT. Tom's new watch had stopped. On opening it, he discovered a dead fly inside. "Begorra," remarked his friend Pat, "110 wonder it's stopped; the enginedriver's dead." A REMINDER. "Will this mean a large fee for you now, doctor?" "My fees are considerable, madam." "Then maybe you won't forget that my little Tommy it was that dropped the brick off the roof." RATHER! "Yes," said the shopkeeper, fingering one of the new Bank of England notes, "they seem a bit strange at first, but they grow on you." "Grow on you?" rejoined the customs'", "wish they bloomin' well did!" VERY CONVENIENT. Minister (meeting man about to enter pubiichouse): Do you know, my man, tliat that door will surely take you to hell? "That don't matter, mister," replied the man. "They turn us all out again at ten o'clock." INTELLIGENCE COUNTS. "Did you tell that man Fd gone to San Francisco, as I told you, James?" "Yes, sir. I told him you started this morning." "That's a good boy. And what did he say ?" "He wanted to know when you'd be back, i»nd I told him 'after lunch,' sir." i THE REASON. "What made you think defendant was intoxicated ?" masked the magistrate. "The colour of his nose, sir," replied the constable. "Well," said the magistrate, "that's hardly sufficient evidence, for some noses are like gas meters—they register more than is consumed." » ABOUT CATS. A schoolboy, the worry of his teacher's life, handed in the following composition oil c-ats:— "< ats that's meant for little boys to maul and tease is called Maultese cats. Some cats is reckernised by how quiet their purrs is, and these is named Purrsian cats. The cats what has "very had tempers is called Angorie cats, and cats with deep feelins is called Feline cats. I don't like cats." FULLY QUALIFIED. "Wanted, an expert ca'rver. Only those use<f to first-class restaurant work need apply," and the man out of a job smiled. "Well, what are your qualifications?" asked the restaurant manager at a subsequent interview. "I have only one, sir," replied the other cheerfully. "Let's hear it then." 'At my last place I cut the meat so thin that when the door opened the draught blew the meat off the plate.-." "Right!" said the manager. "You're the man I've been looking for!"

Mistress (on visit to kitchen): Dear me! A policeman's helmet! Cook (with great presence of mind): "Yes, mum. You get some wonderful things in these 'ere Christmas crackers nowadays. Teacher (to Willie, who has not been paving attention): Now, Willie, who followed Edward VT.T "Mary," said Willie. "And who followed Mary?" "The little lamb, Miss?" "Yes; this is indeed a wonderful racehorse! ' As a matter of fact, he only lost one race during the whole of last season." . "How many races did he win? "Oh, he only ran once!" Chairman: Miss Smith, the famous soprano, will now sing, "Oh, That I Were a Swallow, Fd Fly." Member of the Audience: Point of order, Mr. Chairman, excuse me, but some of us at the back here would lik® the lady to describe a "swallow-eyed fly" before she starts to sing. It was an ancient village, and tha ancient fire brigade arrived at the seen* of the fire to find the burning building a mass of smoke. The chief made a careful inspection and then lit his pipe. "We'd better leave it alone, boys, until it burns up a bit," he said; "then well be able to see what we're doing." The committee of a benevolent association in a cathedral town were proparing the toast list for their annual dinner. "Is it customary to toast the Bishop?" asked a new member. | "Oh, yes," he was told, "the Bishop la always drunk."

For years he had been terribly henpecked. Oue morning at breakfast he said to his wife. "My dear, I had * queer dream last night. I thought I saw another man running off with you." "Indeed," said his wife. "And what did you say to him?" "Oh!" he answered; "I asked him why he was running." At the end of the eighth round, the badly-bruised boxer thought he had had enough of it for one evening. The seconds did not agree with him, however, and declared that he still stood a chance. "But," pleaded the boxer in a tired voice, "I can 'ardly see 'im." "Never mind," said one of the seconds, cheerfully, " 'it 'im from memory." I The dear old country lady was distressed to find that some of the younger maids neglected their church attendance, and consulted her housekeeper about it* "They ought to go," she said. "Yes, ma'am, that's what I tell them," replied the faithful retainer. "I says to 'em, 1 go to church,' I says, 'and what harm has it done me?'" A dear old gentleman walked into the local police station. "I'm very sorry," he said to the inspector in charge. "I told you last night that my pocketbook had been stolen* It was a mistake. I have found it." The inspector glared at him. "You have come too late, sir," he barked; "much too late. We have caught the thief." At a rural entertainment, a conjurer wa ® about to show some of his tricks, and asked a country yokel to take a seat on the platform. 'Now, ladies and gentlemen." said the conjurer, "I shall proceed to take a couple of rabbits out of this gentleman's pockets." this the yokel chimed in witfcf *er 11 be a marvel if yer do. sir. I've got a couple o' ferrets in 'em!"

STUCK! The little son of an Aberdonian, in playing with a vase got his hand through the narrow neck and was unable to extricate it. For half an hour the whole family did their best to withdraw the hand of the luckless offender, but in vain. At length, after a final attempt to draw forth the hand of the victim, the father tried a last suggestion. "Open your hand!" he commanded. "I can't open it, father," declared the boy. "Can't? Why?" "I've got my penny in it," came the reply.