THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 108, 9 May 1928, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By The MAN ABOUT TOWN.) Professor Max. Walker, justly praising tte high standard of New Zealand speech, says that by committing the sin ef inertia in our diction we may fail from AN our high standards. But APPLB A t)AY. a notable speaker (no less a one than Mr. L M. S. Ameiy, Secretary for the Dominions) lately made a speech in New Zealand's favour, punctuating his retnarks with bites of a good old New Zealand apple, fie (munch) said that (masticate) people really ought to (um-tun) eat within the Empire. He (bite) considered that (peel and artificial teeth about the busy business Miniate!-!) on specified occasions British people would not only eat (pip in the way) New Zealand apples but think in terms of Northern Spies and Blenheim Beauties. We might introduce Apple Days and even Orange Days in our own Parliament. Mr. Coates, making a policy speech While masticating ail orange (the most difficult of edibles) would be an example in speech for Us ahd Would make history, too. Two victualling stories communicated by men of exemplary character. Hone is of the North and it is his Unhappy custom to avoid the straight and narrow HOAfc ANt) ANDRA. water wagon. The local constable, who has a heart of gold, necessarily collects Hone, and for his own gmkl takeß him to the Idek-up. To a friend during one of his periods of gentility Hone said: "My word, I get the big head! In the morning when I wake up I pUt Out toy hand and feel the Wall. If it is wallpaper 1 know I'm at heme, and if it's hard brick, it's the klink!" The other refers to Private Andra McSporran, who, on leave and in London, found himself with sixpence and a thirst. Sixpence in London is insufficient for a wee dram. So in Houndsditch Andra pawned his sixpence for fivepence. "Well," says yoU in that bright Way of yours, "that sets him back a penny." Not at all. Andra sold the pawn ticket for fourpence. The Railway Department, bless its heart, has fitted its engines on the northern line with a mechanical scream that can be heard for two thoroughly A NEW NOISE, excellent noise which may save lives at level crossings. A northern suburban local body sat in conclave about this noise. Six members were present. Two decided that the scream would do what it is intended to do—save lives—two Were of opinion that it disturbed the almost holy calmness of the suburbs and curdled the milk in the cow. The remaining two are neutral except that one of the twain expressed the hope that the employees in the nearby manufacturing concerns Would not mistake the long Wail of the engine for a summons to extra smoke-ohs. A local body eminent is reported to have raised a laugh by suggesting the secret slaying of a dog. It Would appear that one of the joint tenants of a house AM possessed a dog, Which ENGLISHMAN'S Was kept in his part of HOME. the dwelling, and at a council meeting it was mentioned that there is no law to prevent anyone having a dog on the premises he legally occupies. The eminent, however, amidst the laughter above referred to, said it was "easy to get rid of k the. complainants didn't need to be told how to do it. It Opens up the questiob of the Of a man to invade another's premises in order to throw a poison bait to a dog he doesn't like, 'or the privilege Of a farmed in into another man's paddock to shoot a fence-breaking bull. Other local body members, asked for legal opinions, might advise suburbanites disturbed by the crowing of the matutinal rooster to invade their neighbour's roosts, twisting the necks ef the offending birds. Why is a member of a local body like Necessity? Dear par about the JCornish farm boy whose ambition it WAs "to tit on a vive-bar gaate and chaw fat baacon," and the HaWke's Bay man who THE KANGAROO, drew the horse Winalot and £18,000 in Tatts reminds me of an incident that occurred just twenty years ago. It happened at a mining eamp on the East Coast of the Habraki Peninsula. His name was Tommy A., better known as the "Kangaroo," on aecount of a habit he had of hopping from one mining camp to another. This habit was caused principally through too frequently visiting the hop juice emporiums. He was the possessor of a fine gramophone. He had one good on his hopping expeditions he Was known to have left it in the care of his uncle. It was in the year 1909, when the great comet was approaching Its maximum brilliancy and thousands of people were surmising that it would destroy the earth with the gases :t would throw, off. There was to be a dance at a nearby hotel on the Saturday night, and he, with several others of Us, decided to hitch up the horse to the spring trap that the mine possessed and attend it and have a night out with the fair and dusky belleß of the district. As we kept jogging along each of the party expressed his opinion as to OUr respective fates providing the comet came in contact with! Mother Earth. "Well, boys," said the Kangaroo, "if I was sure of it being the end of the World I would get dead drunk and stay drunk till the end came." It is obvious the partiallyexpected disaster did not occur. All hands enjoved themselves immensely, for we danced all night by the comet's pretty light and went home with the belles in the morning.—Old Times. "J-W.L." points Out that M.A.T.'s information as to the drinks of the Zulu is incorrect. "I know my Zulu pretty Well, and I never * heard of him imitating A CUP OP the South Sea Islander in TCHWALA. chewing anything to make a drink. The Zulu, as a not very general practice, makes a native fermented beer from maize, Kaffir corn, wheat or any cereal. It is called 'Tchwala' (the name is variously spelled) and it is not very intoxicata trifle stronger than lager, a rather pleasant drink on a hot day. Re the 'smelling out' you refer to, this is done by witch doctors, generally ancient and ugly. To the Zulu the 'bouquet d'Afrique' which affects the English senses is not perceptible." Reported to the hospital Board a few days since that in one six-roomed house in this city there exist twenty-two people. A _____ fourpenny ride round the nf ytv suburbs will reveal large BLUB COVERLET, numbers of empty houses, , . whieh are a sign that building enthusiasm has been Overdone. It Seems these problems of housing are never solved and that the fewer the people in any family the larger the houseroom. The chair?f. Hospital Board, which Was dealin« With this problem, mentioned that the weather was too Wet for homeless people to sleep out as they could do in the dry summer time. To a stranger the chairman's kind remarks Would suggest that hospitable Auckland was readv in a moment to permit houseless peopfr to canjp under the sky, but recent cases prove * tut P°lice, with, of course, the connivance of the heads of New Zealand, collect the outdoor sleep?rs and Charge them with the crime i« obviously some disparity of thought here.