IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 29, 4 February 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

" Pnn> or '^ e fceet anecdote aent in cacK week n Dtn J I § m Five Shillings will be awarded. While in jodgiw ■ US for preference will be given to local stories, contriba. J , n # tions need not be original, but in all the g®™ DtSI source from which taken should be stated. The 1 StOTV Editor's decision must be regarded as §. s j anecdotes intended for competition most be ■ H received at this office by the Monday preceding ■ 1 publication. The envelopes containing contributions mm* B _ be endorsed with the words "Anecdote" in the top left-hand " 1 corner, and addressed Editor, "The Auckland Star," Auckland | I 1 .

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Stranger: How far is it to Cokf ' Pat: Six miles; but chore, if M walk quick, you'll do it in four, She: I wonder why they Vwy picture? He: Perhaps they ikjbuT* catch the artist. - Chemistry Professor: The gaa J* fy_ cylinder is a deadly poison. What«toM would you take if any of it mmhS Pupil: Long ones. "Why is it you never get to the (fa to time in the morning?" demanded th head clerk, angrily. "It's lika explained the late one. "You fan telling me not to watch tie clocking office hours, and I have got out of the habit of watching it at home as irdL" '" 7 wish," roared the prohibitioni* speaker, "I wish all the alcohol in tie world could be poured into the "Hear, hear!" called a vioce from iL audience. "Ah!" said the speaker, T» glad there is one sane man here. I ask him, as a total abstainer, to or a few words. 3 Total abstainer W blowed!" shouted the voice in nil "I'm a diver." Augustus: Darling, do you know it is twenty-four hours since nt engaged? Berenice: Twenty-four hours? Sn ie is, beloved! Augustus: Yes, twenty-four km ago you promised to be my ova WtfV wife. Berenice: Darling, and it««— if odv yesterday!

The prize this week goes to F. P. Deadman, 30, Carlton Gore Road, Grafton, Auckland, for: EASILY SERVED.

Hori arrived in the city by the early morning express, and feeling hungry entered a restaurant for breakfast. While scanning the menu the waitress asked Hori what he would have. Hori: I tink I have te poached egg. Waitress: On toast? Hori: Oh—oh yes, if you no got te plate! COULDN'T BE CLOSER. A woman who had approached the box-office of a West-End theatre was making a great fuss about the stall they gave her. "Are you quite positive," she asked, for the third time, "that this seat is near enough to the stage?" "Madam," said the box-office clerk, "if it was much nearer you'd have to act in the play." ONE WAY. The inspector was trying to demonstrate a simple experiment in the generation of steam. "What have I in my hand?" he asked. "A tin can," came the answer. "Is the can an animate or an inanimate object?" "Inanimate." "Exactly. Now can anyone tell me how, with this can, it is possible to generate a surprising amount of speed and power almost beyond control?" One boy raised his hand. "Well ?" "Tie it to a dog's tail." NOT FOR HIM. The minister had just married an elderly and rather dour Scot to a woman considerably younger than himself and after the ceremony he remarked affably to the bridegroom: "Well, Jock, I suppose you'll be going for a honeymoon?" "Honeymoon," echoed the Scot; "what's "that?" "Oh, you know," laughed the clergyman, "a little trip somewhere together before you settle down to married life." The bridegroom shook his head morosely. "Xa, na," he said; "I dinna hold wi' gallivantin' aboot wi' a strange wumman." PLAYING FOR SAFETY. The business of the two brothers was distinctly bad, and had been for some time, so they decided to hold a board meeting of their own. "George," said the elder brother, "I expect you've noticed that things are pretty bad lately?" "Yes, I have," answered the other. "We'll go bust unless we have a—well, a burglary." "Burglary!" echoed the other. "Why not the old-fashioned but simple fire?" "No, no," said George. "Burglary's best, because if the insurance people refuse to pay up we don't lose anything." EXPLAINED. The fortune-teller said to the young man: "It's useless to pretend that you have a long life before you. This "ace of clubs bumps you off early. At the age of thirty-nino you will die. "And this small card," she continued, "means that you'll marry at the a«*e of thirty-eight and have* sixteen children." "Sixteen children?" said the young man. "But how can that be when I'm to die a year later—at thirty-nine?" The fortune-teller turned red. Then her face cleared and she smiled and said, smoothly: "You'll marry a widow with fifteen children." IF QUITE CONVENIENT. "All," said the vicar, affably, as he laid a hand 011 the shoulder of the village man-of-all-work, "you're the very chap I've been wanting to meet. Fve bought some new wallpaper for my study. When can you come and put it up?" The man-of-all-work scratched his head thoughtfully. "Well, sir," he remarked, "I'm busy just now. Let me see"—the scratching process was repeated—"l 'ung old Mrs. Stuggings on Saturday; I'm 'anging your churchwarden to-day; but I think I could drop round and 'ang your reverence one day towards the end of the week, if that'd be convenient." THE OSTRICH'S ERROR. The trained ostrich was the star turn at a certain country music-lialL The curtain had gone up,* but the orchestra, which should have broken out into 'Light Cavalry," was evidently unprepared. The conductor was nowhere to be seen. The impatience of the audience increased, until the manager came forward and said, with great dignity:— "Ladies and gents. I regret to 'ave to ernounce that there won't be no orstrich turn to-night, the bird 'avin«r in lienor, mistaken the bald 'cad of Mr. Thong, our conductor, for a he"" I thank vou." co "

Difficult. Algie: She told me to kiss on either cheek. Archie: And you? Algie: I hesitated a long time between thein. Not Worth While. Agent: But it's a shame to let year husband's life insurance lapse. Woman: I'll not pay another penny. I've paid reg'lar for eight years an' Pre had no luck yet. Do Yon Believe It? Berger: llow is your hearing now? SchuLze: It was beautiful in Wiesbaden. Berger (raising liis voice): I said how is your hearing now? Schulze: No, not so very dear. Berger (shouting): No, no; I asked you how your hearing was? Sehulze: Oh, much better. He Knew! One night during his first voyage an old gentleman could not find his way back to his state room. An officer offered his help. 'But I can't remember the number, the old gentleman replied. '•'Ah, well," said the officer, "perhaps you have an idea where it was?" "Yes," said the passenger, his fat* brightening. " I remember now. I did notice in the afternooon that the windows looked crat on a lighthouse." Diplomatic. The other day a boy ran into the shop of a friend and asked for half * pound of tough steak. "You mean tender, don't you?" sua my friend. "No, tough." 'You must be a funny lad, or you bate made a nii>takc." "No. it ain't 3iiy mistake. It'» f° r father's supper, f-ee. and if it's tender he'll eat it all. but if it's tough IB a bit."