IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LVIII, Issue 112, 14 May 1927, Page 22

IN MERRIER MOOD

PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. For the best anecdote sent in each week a prize of Five Shillings will be awarded. While in judging preference will be given to local stories, contributions need not be original, but in all cases the source from which taken should be stated. ,The Editor's decision must be regarded aa final. All anecdotes intended for competition must be received at this office by the Monday preceding publication. The envelopes containing contributions must be endorsed with tho words " Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed Editor. " The Auckland Star," Auckland.

The prize this week goes to Master C. Wheeler, 3, Puriri Avenue, Greenlane, for THE PRIZE BIRD. An old woman, famed for the turkeys she bred on- her farm, sold 0110 just before Christmas In a neighbour. But on Christmas Day Mr. Smith found it particularly tough, and went next day to the old woman to complain. "What do you mean by selling me such a bird?" he cried. "Why," exclaimed the old dame, "was there anything wrong with it?" "Wrong, madam? Why it was no good at all!" "Then it should 'ave been," she rejoined. "That bird won the first prize in the local poultry show eleven years in succession." LOVE'S LABOUR LOST. "Listen! " he said. "I've spent three weeks teaching a girl to ride a bicycle. Talk about patience, Job was a novice at the game. And what is my reward? I've just been to the theatre, and " "Seen the girl with another fellow?" "Xo! A thousand times worse! I saw her on the stage. She's a trick cyclist." KNEW HIS NEPHEW. Old Poterby is rich and stingy. In the event of his death his nephew will inherit his property. A friend of the family said to the old gentleman: "I hear your nephew is going to marry. On that occasion you ought to do something to make him happy." "I will," said Peterby; "I'll pretend I'm seriously ill." HIS HANDICAP. William was looking very serious. "You be lookin' glum this mormng, William," remarked old Daniel. "What's wrong wi' ye?" "Got a noo hat," replied William, scarcely moving his head. "A noo hat!" exclaimed Daniel. "Well, isn't that a matter for rejoicing?" "Ave!" admitted William. "But it falls "off if Oi laughs." MY HAT. Ho emerged from the dining-room of the fashionable hotel and went to the cloak-room, where he nonchalantly proceeded to crush one silk top-hat after the other. The attendant, surprised at this behaviour, demanded the reason for his action, whereupon the other replied. "I'm looking for my own. It's a collapsible, you know. * None of these here seem to be it."

REFORMED. [ Not a Printer's Error.

"And at her request you gave up drinking?" "Yes." "And you stopped smoking for the same reason?" "I did." "And it was for her that you gave up dancing, card parties, and billiards?" "Absolutely." "Then why didn't you marry her?" "Well, after all this reforming I realised I cuuld do better." THE FALL THAT FAILED. High up, 300 feet above the level of the ground, the steeplejack proceeded with his perilous task. Low down, 300 feet below the level of the steeplejack, a patient crowd ol expectant onlookers watched his operations. For a whole hour they watched. "He gives me the cold shivers!" exclaimed one. For a second hour they watched. "He makes me tremble at the knees!" observed a second. And for a third hour. Then they all sighed. "Well," one murmured, resignedly, "it seems useless waiting any longer! I don't believe lie's going to fall!" And so they proceeded on their ways. WAITED IN VAIN. Mr. Scribbler had promised to deliver a lecture on Burns, and when the appointed night arrived the hall was full to overflowing. Ho began with "The Cottar's Saturday Xight," "Tarn o' Shanter," and "The .Tolly Beggars," and was proceeding with "John Anderson" when there was an interruption. "What is it, my man?" inquired the lecturer. "When are you going to give us a few hints?" came the replv. "Hints?" "Yes, hints!" repeated the man. "I came in because you were supposed to know all about burns, and there you stand, spc-uting poetry' like a parrot, while my wife, who's upset a saucepan of hoiling water on her foot, is waiting to hear whether she should rub it with oil or shake the flour dredger over it!"

Liz.: Why don't yer get Bill locked. up if 'e keeps givin' yer black eyes' Sal.: So I would if I thought he'd come back to me when he came out. Mrs. Huggins: How long had you known your husband before you married him? Mrs. Jenkins: I didn't know him *ft all. I only thought I did. Stranger (at gate): Is your rnotherat home? Youngster: Of course she is! Do you suppose I'm mowing this lawn because the grass is long? "How do you find marriage?" During courtship I talked and she listened. After marriage she talked and I 1i 5 ." tcned. Now we both talk and the neighbours listen. Maid: Madam, thre's a poor man at the door with wooden legs. Mistress (reprovingly): What can we do with wooden legs? Tell him we don't want any! "Now," said an Irishman after a serious accident to a fellow-miner, "we'll! have to send somo man to break the' news to Murphy's wife." "Send Hannigan," suggested one of the gang. "He's just the man to break the news gradual. Look how he stut.l ters!" An old countryman called at tha' offices of a fire insurance company. Ha' wanted to insure his shop and goods, 1 "What facilities for extinguishing ,1! fire have you in your village?" inquired' the official. The man scratched his head, : pondered for a moment, and then saidi' "Well, there's the rain!" House Agent: There's a doctor thinking of starting a practice here, and he'l I coming in to-day to inquire about «I house. Clerk: Very well, sir. And I suppose' I'd better cut out some of the patter^,'• - about it being a. healthy neighbour': hood, eh? ■, 1 "Funny how some people try to get'! ' along with no household equipment at. \ all." remarked Juggins. "Those new neighbours of mine haven't a lawnmower, a hose, a step-ladder, a saw, a fishing-rod, an ice-cream '.'reezer, or any j new books." "How do you know they haven't!" asked Muggins. "Because the day after they moved in I tried to borrow the things."

Belinda: Did you object when printed a kiss on your lips? Beatrice: 2so, because X rather liked his type. The Danger. First Chorus Girl: Isn't it a scream about Dolly marrying that X-raJ specialist? Second Chorus Girl: Yes —I Ehoull think lie'd see through her! The IrXodern Child. Grandfather: Well, my dear, and did Santa Claus treat you at Christmas? Small Girl (with scorn): KcaUygrandfather, you are becoming H" 1 " childish! Acting on Avice. Wife: Didn't you hear me ask you f° r a sovereign? Husband: I did. Wife: Then why do you only give ( ten shillings V Husband: Because you told me yestef . day to believe only half what I hear. Well-Grown. Molly was kissing her father g night. .. "Oh, daddy," she exclaimed, "arcn you scratchy to-night! "Am I?" replied her parent, stroking his chin. "Well, it can't be so very M i for I distinctly remember shaving t prickles oil' this morning." ""Did you, daddy?" said Molly. TW they're awfully tall for their age. In the Soup. A seed company had received fr°® one man liftecn application for > r samples of their pea seeds, and 1 I 5 the sixteenth arrived the manager I cided it was time lie did somethingHe dictated a letter to the ullin: "7v. "Dear Sir,- —I am sending J" 011 u j seeds as requested; but what are y® I doing with so many? Are you l» an 'J, ° ' the whole of your suburb with p? as \ A few days later he received a rc P_-:l ! "Xo," wrote the customer; "I am planting them at all. My wife n - ■ I them for souj* a ~