THE MERRY THOUGHT.

Auckland Star, Volume 304, Issue 304, 23 December 1926, Page 6 (Supplement)

THE MERRY THOUGHT.

The Freak. Jackie: When have I got two pairs of hands? Jimmie: Give it up. Jackie: When I double my fists. Very Funny. "Yes, sir," said Mr. Gallagher, "it was funny enough to make a donkey laugh. I laughed till I cried." And then he saw a smile go round the room. He grew red in the face and went away mad. < The Boy Was Also Fresh. _ Old Lady (to grocer's boy): Be them ] eggs on tho counter fresh? i Boy: Yes'm. i "How long have they been laid?" 1 "Not very long, ma'am. I laid 'cm there myseif less'n half an hour ago." ; i Resourceful.Indignant Business Man: You book agents make mc so angry with your nerve and impudence that I cannot find words to express my feelings. Book Agent: Then I am tlie very man you want —I am selling dictionaries. i A Nose For Music. Mrs. A: Does your husband snore? Mrs. li: Yos, delightfully. Mrs. A: Delightfully? Mrs. 1): Yes; you see lie is an Italian baritone, and always snores i selections from "Trovalore" and "Lucia." A Terrible Threat. A gentleman at a restaurant, observing a suspicious-looking man eyeing his umbrella, stopped the proceedings thus: "You handle that umbrella, you touch that umbrella, you even look at that umbrella, and I'll cram it down your throat, and then spread it." An Unpleasant Surprise. "How many of you are there?" asked a voice from an upper window, of a party of "waits." "'Four!" was the reply. "Divide that among you!" said the voice, as a bucket of water fell, "like the gentle dew from Heaven," on the expectants beneath. An Insinuation. The captain of a merchant vessel unloading at Constantinople feared to leave part of his cargo exposed during the night. "It will not rain," said a Mussulman. "But someone may steal them;" "Oh, never fear," replied the Turk, "there is not a Christian within seven miles." The Will For the Deed. Very much indebted customer enters a butcher's shop remarking: "I'll take a leg of mutton, and 1 want to pay for it." "All right," replies the butcher, handing forth the meat, which customer takes and starts to go. "Look here," cries the butcher, "I thought you said you wanted to pay for it." "So I do," was the reply, "but I can't." A Postponement. During a dense fog a steamboat slackened speed. A traveller, anxious to go ahead, came to the unperturbed manager of the wheel, and asked why they stopped. "Too much fog; can't see the river." "But you can see the stars overhead." i "Yes," replied the urbane pilot, "but : until tho b'iler busts we ain't going that ; way." Stealing a Goose. A darkey was once attempting to steal ■ a goose, but a dog raised an objection • and Sambo retired. The next night, during a thunder-shower, he attempted it i again, and just as he was on the point i of getting away with his bird, the light- - ning struck close by, and the noise . frightened the poor fellow. Dropping ■ the goose, he started away, muttering, " 'Pears tcr mc der am a mighty lot of fuss made about a common goose." A Nefarious Scheme Upset. First Little Wife: Going to have a new tea-gown? Second Little Wife: Bather; Henry hired a burglar to come and pretend to rob us, so that he would have an excuse for not buying mc one, but I heard of it, and bribed the burglar to let mc scare him away with a gun; so it worked beautifully, and Henry had to promise mc the dress as a reward for my heroic conduct. In the Old Days. It was in the Stone Age. Paper had not been invented. If one wanted to write a letter, one had to carve characters on a lump of rock. If the letter was to a friend, one sent it; if to an enemy, one just flung it at him, hoping it would catch his eye. One day NokNee, the local terror, was chasing poor little Wonk-I, who had sent him a note by aerial post, and crumpled his one remaining good ear. Things were looking black for Wonk-I, when suddenly he dashed into the village school, and, snatching up a multiplication table, turned upon his enemy and crushed him by sheer weight of numbers. On the Wrong Track. A draper's assistant was showing a lady some parasols. The assistant has a good command of language, and knows how to expatiate on the good qualities and show the best point of goods. As he picked up a parasol from the lot on the counter and opened it, he struck an attitude of admiration, and holding it up so the best light would be had, he said: "Now there, isn't it lovely? Look at the silk; particulary observe the quality, the finish, the general effect. Feel it. Pass your hand over it. No nonsense about that parasol, is there?" he said, as he handed it over to the lady; "ain't it a beauty?" "Yes," said the lady, "that's my old one —I just laid it down there."