Christmas Crackers

Auckland Star, Volume 304, Issue 304, 23 December 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

Christmas Crackers

"ParJ-ii nie. sir, but I am soliciting donau i.- ''■:' "iir Christmas rummage gale. W! .c .''. you Jo with your old clothe-'." ''Wliv. T ''!' >sh them and fold them care;'"..'-' a r liLhr.. .M.i I put them on again .:i : •:-■ '■'' >ni:n_r. A: Y.\ • -•-■ Ur-, but do you think it good .' i-iin :r_ to be buying a twoinline 1 ' In 1.-" mi is prciseiit when you owe over ;■ : pjiifi.'s to your landlady? B: i ".:'"._ so. The present is for mv IhiLi '. you see.

Father: You mustn't feel disappointed this Christmas, Flossie. These are ter. rible times. Flossie: They must be pretty hard, dad, when Santa Clans takes the trouble to drag my old pram from under the house and give it a new coat of paint. Tramp-like Visitor: Merry Christmas. Jonas: Same to you. What can I ■do for you? "Well, I've called for mc Christmas hox." "Hum! I don't seem to know you. Are you the dustman?" "No, guvnor. I'm the chap who were playing the cornet larst Christmas, an' yer told mc to take my hook." "Oh, you played the cornet, did you?" said Jones, in a threatening voice. "And why should I give you a Christmas box, eh ?" "Beco. I ain't playing it this year, guvnor." , Mrs. Joskin: I'm nearly always disappointed with the Christmas gifts my husband buy- mc. Mrs. Hoskin: Is that so? "Yes. He means well, but he doesn't seem to get mc the things I want. I try to appear pleased, of course, but I'd rather have things I care for. I give him hints, but he never seems to catch them." "Now. I never have any trouble like that with Mr. Hoskin." "How do you manage it?" "Easily enough. I buy him for his Christmas present just what I want to have myself, and ho gets mc just what he thinks lie would like to have, and then we exchange." Beaten. As usual, our Yankee friend was spinning a very "tall" story about the size of American buildings. "Yep, bo', we sure have some tall places. Why, I guess the rooms of some of. our hotels are so high they have to _end up balloons to sweep the cobwebs from the ceilings." But you can't beat a Yorkshireman. "That's nowt," quoth a stalwart miner. "Does t' know that t' ceilings o' some o' our houses is so low t' only thing we can eat is flat fish. - ' Alice's Alibi. Fun ran riot at the Christmas party and when the lights were lowered for an old-fashioned game Bifkins thought he would edge closer to the girl who during the evening favoured him with not a few glances of seasonable goodwill. After the scramble the lights went up and there also rose a howl from one of the junior guests. "What's the matter Willie," inquired the hostess, "Didn't you get any snapdragons'.' "800-oo," sobbed the little boy, "I didn't get a chance. As soon as the lights went out Mr. Bifkins got hold of my hands and kept on squeezing them " and saying something about •little peach.' Who wants poaches at Christmas lime?" Now You Know Where. A young lad who was on holiday with his parents in a country district had the misfortune to dislocate his jaw. His mother took him to the local doctor, who, after a good deal oi trouble, put it right. The mother then asked him his charge. The doctor, not knowing exactly what to charge in cases of this sort, looked up a medical book of charges, and read: "Disloca<ion of the jaw, one to three guineas."' Knowing that even tlie smallest of these charges was not likely to be got in this instance, the doctor asked: "Was tin l boy's jaw ever dislocated before?'' "Aye. wance." answered the mother. "And what did the doctor charge you then V '•\Van-an'-3ixpeuee!'' said the woman. "ilid you not —cr —consider that rather a remarkable charge for such an operation: asked the doctor.

"Aye, we did that!" replied the woman, decidedly, "but we just peyed it w_thoot e_a____l-_i*t w

"Come, John, do give mc some idea of what you want for a Christmas present." "I'll tell you this much, Mary; I don't want any yellow worsted whirligig that you've crocheted for a bazaar and couldn't sell." Little Jenny: I wish Santa Claus had brought mc a new doll for Christmas. Mother: But yonr old doll is as good as ever. Jenny: So am las good as ever, but the doctor brought you a new baby.

"My wife," said the pessimist, "makes mc wipe my feet on the mat every time I enter the house." "Then," said the optimist, "you ought to be thankful you're not a centipede." "Being engaged is very expensive," said one man to another. "My girl wants to go so often to the pictures and dances. What am I. to do ?" "What I do," answered the other; "meet her inside." Sceptical. A boring and unpopular member of a club was boasting of his skill at all kinds of sport. "I have just taken up shooting," he said, "and it comes easy to mc. The first time I went out, after about two minutes there lay a rabbit dead at my feet." "What did it die of?" asked a man in the corner.

Lady: I wish to select a Christmas present for my husband, and I can't think of anything. He doesn't smoke, or drink, or play cards. Sarcastic Salesman: Is he fond of fancy work? Feeling Out of It. Flippant Cockney (to countryman): Are there many fools in this part of the world? Yokel: Not as I know on. Dyer feel a bit lonesome ? Appropriated. "Come Ernest," said his mother, "don't be so selfish. Let your little brother play with your marbles." "But," protested Ernest, "he means to keep them always." "Oh, I think not." "I say 'Yes,' because he has swallowed two of them already." Room for Him. The immigration official was examining an Englishman on his arrival in New York. "And what do you propose to do now you are in the United States?" he inquired. "Oh, I don't care," replied the Englishman, hopefully. "Anything to earn an honest living." "Well, come along in, then," said the official. "I guess there ain't much competition in your line of business." The Next Best. It was only a day or two before Christmas. The shop was crowded with customers all trying to get served at once, and there were not enough assistants to go round. An eagle-eyed shopwalker noticed that one young man on his staff was spending a great deal of time over a woman who did not seem to have purchased anything, although she had been looking at various articles for nearly half an hour"Doesn't that customer know what she wants?" he asked the assistant, drawing him aside. "Yes, sir," replied the other smartly, "but I'm trying to sell her something else." Quite Final. Softly the nurse smoothed the sufferer's pillow. He had been admitted to the hospital only that morning— Christmas Day—and now he looked up pleadingly at the nurse who stood at his bedside. "And what did ye say the docther's name was, nurse, dear?" he asked. "Dr. Kilpatrick," was the reply. "He's the senior house physician." "That settles it," muttered the patient. "That docther won't get a chance at mc." "Why not? He's a very clever man." "That's as may be," said the patient, "But mc name happens to be Patrick." Try This on a Friend. Two bachelors, Smith and Brown, were seated in the flat of the latter. Smith: Would you like to know the name of your future wife? Brown: I certainly would. Smith: Well, I'll guarantee to tell you her name by arithmetic. Brown: That's impossible. Smith: Well, you take a piece of paper and work out this sum. Write down the year in which you were born, subtract the last two figures from the first two. Now multiply what remains by the date of the month in which you were born. Divide your answer by two, and tell mc the result. Brown, after a lengthy struggle and much thought, at last works out the problem and hands his friend the result. Smith: Now, these figures obviously indicate that the name of your future wife will be Mrs. Brown. Brown and Smith are no longer friends.

Mother: What are you doing, Doris? Doris: I'm writing a Christmas letter to Maisie. "But, darling, you c on't know how to write." "That's all right. Maisie don't know how to read." Boxing Day. • Boxing Day is Ireland's day, For lots of mirth and fun, For "Shure 'tis then" that Paddy thinks Christmas has begun. And to the Patron Good "St. Stephen," He will spare some time to pray That health and wealth and happiness Will'bless his Boxing Day. Only Mild. "I should think that sometimes you sailors get dreadfully homesick," remarked the sweet young thing to the first officer of the Bright Star boat Quadratic. The experienced seaman pondered, and shook his head. "Well, not so much as you'd think," he replied, after a pause. "You see, we're never at home long enough." Exasperated. Rosen has been nursing an obstinate cold for a fortnight. He had tried every known remedy without success, when he met Dilbaum. "Dats a nasty cold you haf, Bosen," said his friend. "Vy don't you take somethink for it?" "Vy don't I take somethink!" yelled the exasperated victim. "How much will you give mc?"

Safety in Numbers. Maisie is a charming little girl, with whom it is a delight to talk. Her uncle was on a Christmas visit. "Have you a sweetheart, Maisie?" he asked. "Yeth," she said, softly. "Well," continued her uncle, "I'll give you a penny if you tell mc who he is." "Tommy," she answered, in a confidential whisper. Her uncle gave her the promised coin. A few minutes afterwards she said, suddenly:— "Now, if you'll give mc another penny, I'll tell you who my other sweetheart is!"

No Use. Mr. Henpeck—l am thinking of taking a cottage about here. Farmer—But don't you think the climate would disagree with your wife? "It wouldn't dare." forfeit Deposit. Young man (about to take girl for row in doubtful-looking boat): I say, you know, what if the bally thing sinks? Boatman: In that case, sir, you just forfeits your deposit of two bob. A Sunday Drum. Johnny had requested that his birthday present should be a drum, and as his birthday drew near he began to stipulate very particularly that it should be a Salvation Army drum. He was so earnest on this point that his mother asked him his reasons. "It must be a Salvation Army drum, 'cos I want to play it on Sundays." " After Christmas-" No sound about the house, No strength of voice to grouse, No warmth, no fire, No clock a' going— No time, no name o' day, No care o' knowing. No smile on any face, No darned thing in its place, No hope, no cheer, No pints o' beer, No song, no jest, No sign of 'owt that's best— No zest for any grub. No! cuss it, there's the rub— It's—after Christmas!

Correct Altitude. A gentleman holidaying in the country was passing through a village one morning when he noticed a building in the course of erection on the summit of _ hill. "What are they erecting up there," he asked an old countryman who was standing at his cottage door. "That be a new school, zur, they be a-building," he replied. "But why should they want to stick it up there?" asked the gentleman. "For myself, I don't know," said the rustic in reply, "but as they are going in for what they call the higher education, I suppose it's all right."

Shopkeepers: "I suppose you could teach mc how to run my business, eh?" Departing Customer: "Probably. But it would take time." A man whose sentences were so many that more than half his life had been spent in prison arrived once more to be in the governor's charge. "What, here 1 again?" said the governor. "What's it for this time?" "Well, guvnor," replied the prisoner, "just look at the weather." The Long and the Short. Two people, both obviously English, went into a Lille restaurant the other day. The man was unusually tall —just over six feet six inches —but the lady well under five, and their disproportion tickled the humour of the French waiter. "Mon Dieti, - ' he said, " le franc et la livre." Not in the Soup. Farmer Jenkins believed in giving all the farm workers a real good Christmas meal. He determined to give them something to remember this year, and ordered the feast to start with soup, to be followed by goose, roast beef, and unlimited supplies of plum pudding. The workers duly assembled, and, having fasted all day in order to be in good trim for the Christmas meal, were prepared to make the supplies look foolish. I'oast goose and strong ale were all they expected. " 'Ere, what's this?" said a disappointed guest, when a huge plate of soup was placed before him. "You've forgotten the goose and stuflin'- I don't want all gravy!"

She (sentimentally) : John, is there ' anything in life but love? He: Nothing in all the wide, wide world —let's have ; dinner. "I have nothing but praise for the new '. vicar," said a member of the congregation to the verger. "Nothing but praise!" "So I observed when the plate was taken round," said the verger. Luck. When the agent for the life insurance company paid Mrs. Stone the insurance on her late husband's life, he asked her to take out a policy on her own life. "I believe I will," she said; "my husband had such good luck with his." Distant. At the wedding anniversary celebra tions of a wealthy young farmer, one of the guests noticed a somewhat lonelylooking and rather shabbily-attired man in a corner of the room, and walked over to him. "I was introduced to you," he said, "but I didn't catch your name." "My name," replied the other, "is Burton." "Oh, then you are a relative of our host?" "Yes," was the reply. "I am his cousin, twenty thousand pounds removed." The Fashion Them The artist entered the village barber's shop and asked the man to trim his rather long hair. He was tired and fell asleep in the chair. Waking, he discovered that the barber had cropped his hair close to the skull. "Heavens!" he said, "is this the way you trim hair?" "Yes, sir," answered the barber. "I've only just come to this village, but I always trimmed the hair like that where I was before." "And where on earth was that?" demanded the artist. "Dartmoor!" An Early Start. Uncle Benjamin stood, with his hands in his pockets, frowning down upon his young nephew. "Well, my boy, you ought to be downright ashamed of yourself," he said. "Here is your sister—younger than yourself —winning prizes at school each term, and you haven't even earned a single certificate yet. You must study harder, Johnny. It will never do to let your sister beat you like that." "Oh, but I have got a certificate, uncle," protested Johnny. "Really! What for, I should like to know?" demanded tlie uncle in surprise "For being born," replied Johnny, dodging out of the way. A Good Customer. The professor stepped into the barber's chair and assumed an attitude of deep meditation. "Hair cut, sir?" "Please!" The barber cut his hair. "Like a shampoo?" "Urn—please!" He got thi shampoo. "Shave you, sir?" "Cm —yes!" One shave. "Massage?" He nodded assent and was massaged. The barber removed the towel, the professor arose, and mechanically took j the proffered bill. , "What's this?" ! "Your bill, sir." "My bill!" "Certainly, sir. Hair cut shampoo, shave, and massage." The professor rubbed his hand over his face and head. "Did I have all that?" "Yes, sir." "It's queer, very queer!" "What's queer, sir?" asked the barber, in dismay. The professor drew a small, oblong black box from his pocket. "Why, the working of the human mind. What I came in for was to get i jtag_ razor ground.^

Sandy McTavish was travelling by tram. He got on the tram and asked for a penny ticket. At the end of the penny stage he asked for another penny ticket. The same thing was repeated for about five stages, and the conductor getting irritable, at last asked: "Why didn't you get a sixpenny ticket?" Sandy, in great surprise and indignation, promptly replied, "Och, man, away wi' ye. What if the car brok' doon?" The chairman of the advertising conference sat down confident in the knowledge that his speech had been a success. "No," he said, turning to a man by his side, "I don't think that there is a single business under tlie sun that would not benefit by advertising." "Well," remarked the other, "I can't agree with you." "What ?" The chairman's tone was cold. He was not used to contradiction. "No," came the answer. "In my line of business advertising is quite unnecessary; we find that our clients do the pushing for us." "Rubbish!" snapped the other. "What is your line of business, any way?""Perambulators," was the bland reply. A Bright Idea. They had been busy for weeks preparing for the newly-built house for' occupancy, but as the wedding-day approached much still remained to be done. "Hadn't we better give up our honeymoon tour, dear, and finish our preparations?" he queried tentatively. A shadow fell over her face, the tickets had been paid for, and there were some "dinky creations" in her suit-case. Suddenly a bright idea seized her, and she replied naively. "I know, dear; we needn't waste both tickets. I'll go on our honeymoon while you stay here and finish the house furnishing!"

A Big Job. A youth with rather large aural appendages was boasting of his pugilistic ability, when one of- his auditors interrupted. "Bill Nevin says he'll pull your ears directly he meets you." "Oh, will he?" returned the youth. "If he undertakes to pull my ears he'll have his hands full, I can assure him!" Then he wondered why the others laughed. Unmapped. The Newlyweds had bought a turkey for dinner on Christmas Day, and, as Newlywed was a novice at carving, his wife insisted on his learning how to carve from the cookery book, so that he should not display his ignorance before their guests. When the turkey appeeared on the table, however, the host was plainly at a loss how to begin." "Why don't you carve it, dear?" asked his wife anxiously. "You know exactly how it is done." "Of course I do, love," said Newlywed, "but I can't find any of the dotted lines!"

A Sunday school teacher asked a pupil why Ananias was s.i severely punished. The little one thought a minute, and answered: "Please, ten.her, they weren't so used to lying in those days." The waiter was exceedingly slow, and the diner began to get annoyed. "Look here, waiter," he said at lust, "bring mc a coffee, and while you're away don'D forget to drop mc a line occasionally, just to let mc know how you're getting on." After All That. "And at her request you gave up drinking." "Yes." "And you stopped smoking for the same reason?" "I did." "And it w-as for her that you gave up dancing, card parties, and billiards?," "Absolutely." "Then why didn't you marry her?" "Well, after all this reforming, I realised I could do better." Agreed at Last. Sam, where have you been? No place—just married. Thas good. Not so good. I'se got plenty step-dad to nine kids. Thas bad. Not so bad. She's got plenty of money. Thas good. Not so good—held on it tight. Thas bad. Not so bad~ owns a big house. Thas good. Not so good-i'-it burnt down last night. Thas bad. Taint 60 bad.—she burned with it. Thas good. Yes, thas good.

The Timid Girl. "My gal saw a mouse yesterday," announced Cactus Joe. "She's powerful afeard of 'em." "What did she do?" queried Alkali Ike. "Picked up a rattlesnake and whipped it to death." The Polishing Pad. A traveller had missed his train from a small village, and nothing remained but to seek accommodation at the local inn. He was shown to his bedroom by tlie proprietor, who, descending the stairs, was arrested half-way down by the voice of his guest addressing him from tlie upper landing. "I say!" said tlie traveller, "do you suppose I'm going to clean my own boots?" "Clean yer own boots! What do you mean?" "Well, what have you put a polishing pad on my bed for?'' Slowly and very puzzled the landlord went back to his visitor's room. "Polishing pad!" he exclaimed, eyeing the tiling the traveller held in his hand. ["That ain't no polishing pad —that's the I pillow."