IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LVII, Issue 138, 12 June 1926, Page 24

IN MERRIER MOOD

The prize this week is awarded to Miss E. Taylor, Gooche's Corner, Birkenhead, for ON THE WAY. As a new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious should become a member of his church. "Good evening, my young friend," he said solemnly. "Do you-ever attend a place of worship?" "Yes, indeed, sir; regularly every Sunday night," replied the young fellow, with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now." HIS FAVOURITE ILLNESS. A man who suffered from' imaginary ills met his doctor on the street, and said, "Docter, I have just read a patent medicine pamphlet, and I am sure that I have kidney trouble." "But," said the doctor, smiling, "the curious thing about that disease is that the victim does not experience the least pain or discomfort." "I know it!" gasped the hypochondriac. "My symptoms exactly." EX CATHEDRA. A Bishop in India prided himself on saying the right and tactful word to every one he met, ancf by reason of his office he was not accustomed to find his remarks questioned. "So strange I should run up against you, dear madam," he said,- "because I was chatting only a few minutes since with your two dear children." "Bishop," said the lady, "I have no children." "Are you sure 1" he asked earnestly. USED TO IT. Tired nurse, after having dragged little urchin practically from beneath a car at risk of life and limb, finds she has also to tramp home with him to the "back of beyond." And her evening cases all waiting. Ma is vigorously ironing, and barely looks up when Tommy is delivered up to her. "Bless your life, Miss, 'c's always agetting runned over, 'c is. 'E likes it 'c does. I take no note on it." But, as she turns to go: If yer ever wants a cup o' tea, Miss, yer knows where to come to!"

A BLACK ROOSTER. An American farmer, aroused from his sleep by the noisy cacklings of his chickens, grabbed the shotgun from the rack and hastened to the hen-house. He found the door fastened on the inside, and after a few ineffectual attempts to open it he heard what sounded suspiciously like a muffled cough. "Who's in there?" he shouted. There was a pause, and a voice, unmistakably Afro-Ameri-can, spoke, " 'Taint nobody in yere 'ceptin' jest us chickens." KNIGHT OF THE PARTY. Lord Beaconsfield had taken a friend into the House of Commons. "You know all these men well, I presume?" said the man, turning to Disraeli. "Do you mean the Front Bench?" asked the former Prime Minister. "No, I know more or less about them; I mean the men immediately behind." "Dizzy" put up his eyeglass, glanced along the second row, and said, "Do you see that very bald man?" As soon as his guest identified the man, Beaconsfield added: "He is the greatest rascal living; I knighted him." WORDS THAT DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. Nothing. Prohibition. "I am pleased to meet you." Sale Price. Stop, Look and Listen! "I will serve the people to the best of my ability." Weather forecast for to-morrow. "Come again, soon." "I will pay you Saturday, for sure." Love, honour and obey. "Till death do us part."

PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. For the beat anecdote sent in each week a prize of Five Shillings will be awarded. While in judging preference will be given to local stories, contributions need not be original, but in all cases the source from which taken should be stated. The Editor's decision must be regarded as final. All anecdotes intended for competition must be received at this office by the Monday preceding publication. The envelopes containing contributions must be endorsed with the words "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed Editor, "Tho Auckland Star," Auckland.

Modern Child (saying prayers): <) Lord, make mc a better girl, 'cos I want to see what it feels like. He: Shall I give you a sentence with the word "musty?" They: Musty sidedly not. I abhor puns. "And, mind this, no woman ever made" a fool of mc!" "Who did, then, dear?" "Higgs did not stay long when lie called on you at the office." "No; he wanted to borrow five shillings." "I see; just a case of touch and go." Professor: Name something necessary for life. Student: Er—. Professor": Correct, now name a food rich in fats. Student: But—er—. Professor: Very good. Pal: What's the matter, little boy! Are you lost? Big Boy: No, I ain't lost—l'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to. In this country it is very hard to tell whether it is a shot or just a backfire of an automobile. Over in Italy they never know whether it is Mount Vesuvius or Mussolini. Surgeon (to attendant): Go and get the name of the acoident victim so that we can inform his mother. Attendant (three minutes later): He says his mother knows his name. "That fellow Boots has been saying awful things about mc." "Indeed? What does he say?" "He says I'm drinkinf whisky and soda from morning until! night, and I hate soda." New-Promoted Police Sergeant: We don't get these stripes for waiting about street corners, you know. Observing Rookie: No, sergeant; if you did, you'd look like a zebra by now. Jim: Yes, IVe been laid up. Nothing serious, but this is the first time I've been out for three months. Boh: Really? What was wrong? Jim: Nothing, only the jury wouldn't believe it.

Visitor: Well, William, what's hap* pened since we were here last year! Native: 'Enry 'as got married. "Oh, I'm glad to hear it." "Eh? What 'arm 'as 'c done you, then?" The teacher had been giving a clasi of youngsters some idea of proverbs, and after the lesson she put a few questions. ''Birds of a feather—do what?" "Lay eggs," piped a small boy before anyone else had a chance to speak. Jack: You've got plenty of nerve, stealing my chickens and then trying to sell them to mc! Glenn: Well, I thought you'd pay a better price for chickens you'd bred yourself. You'd know what you're buying. Parson: You love to go to Sunday school, don't you, Robert?" Bobby: Yes, sir. Parson: What do you expect to learn to-day ? Bobby: The date of the picnic I A vicar who had spent a long time trying to explain the "Creation" to a class of very unruly children, suddenly said to a girl who was talking: "Mary Brown, and who made your vile body?" With a start the girl replied: "Pleaaei sir, mother did, and I made the skirt." Lecturer: Now ■when a person is deaf, his sight iB often more acute, for the law of compensation will work itself out. Student (thoughtfully): I've often noticed myself that when a man has a short leg the other is somewhat longer. A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked. The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, after several lessons, asked: "What is water!" One very young but bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands." Auntie had come to stay, and little" Mary with some pride was showing a jumper she bad knitted for herself. "And did m v - little niece make this all by herself?" asked auntie.

"Nearly," was the reply, "all but the • hole you put your head" through, and that was there" before I started."

A committee appointed lor the purpose of choosing an organist and choirtrainer invited applications for the post. Among the re; lies received was the following: "Gentlemen, I noticed your advertisement for an organist and musicteacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for"several years, I offer you my services."