ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume LVI, Issue 162, 11 July 1925, Page 22

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

AN INVETERATE SMOKER. Sir Thomas Lipton was offered a cigar and declined. "Although I am probably the biggest smoker in England, I never smoke cigars," he said. "Prefer a pipe or cigarettes, I suppose?" said the other. "No, I never smoke either," replied Sir Thomas. "Indeed," said his friend, "then may I ask what you do smoke?" "Bacon," 6aid Sir Thomas. THE FIGHT. The relative importance of small things is illustrated in an incident described by Admiral Bacon. It concerns a destroyer that had been through a stiff engagement. After the fight the stokehold hatches were lifted, and up popped the heads of two grimy stokers. One of the officers, thinking he would like to hear a stokehold opinion of the action, listened to their remarks. All he heard was: "Well, all I can say, Bill, is that he ought to have married the girl." WHAT'S THE GOOD? A man noted for his extreme thrift was walking down the road one week day, all dressed up in his Sunday clothes. A neighbour hailed him. "AVhat's up, Jim?" he asked; "why the glad rags?" "Haven't you heard the news?" "News? What news?" "Triplets," said the thrifty one. "Oh, that accounts for it, eh?" "Yes, that accounts for it," said the new father. "That accounts for my wearing these good clothes. What in thunder's the use of trying to be economical?" AN' NAETHING TO PAY! All real liquid refreshment had been forbidden to the aged Scotsman, who felt that his end was near. He called his gude wife to the bedside and asked her would she carry out certain wishes of his when he was dead. She promised to do so, and asked what they were. "Ah, weel," said the moribund, "I thocht it would be nice if ma freen's had a drink afore the funeral." His worthy spouse agreed that it would be. "An efter they returned." Again she agreed. "I suppose," he added, with a sly grin, "as I winna come back I micht get baith mine noo."

PRINCES GALORE. Stephen McKenna tells a good story about King Edward when he was Prince of Wales. He disliked being surrounded by detectives, and one night signified that he wished to attend the opera informally. "The hint was taken. For one night the traditional boots and reefer-suits of the secret police were not to be observed. His Royal Highness was enjoying himself thoroughly when he happened to inspect the house through his glasses, and found that everyone on every side of him was dressed and made up to reproduce him in every detail. Hundreds of princes lolled in their boxes or stalls. A nihilist, had one been prosent, would have been carried away prostrate." ' ._y A CANNY CHIEL. The latest from Scotland concerns that well-known philanthropist, Mr. Sandy McNab, who, being popular with the village folk, was requested by the minister to canvass for subscriptions to a less popular charity. Sandy accepted the task. A few days thereafter he was seen by the minister walking along the road in a manner that caused apprehension. "Sandy," said the good man, "it grieves mc to see you in this state." "Ah, weel," replied Sandy, "it's a' for the gude of the cause. You see, Meenister," he explained, "it's a' because of the subscriptions. Ilka hoose I go into they make mc a wee drappie." "Every house!" protested the minister. "But surely, Sandy, there are some of the kirk members who are good teetotallers 1" "Aye, aye, there are such, Meenister, but I wrote tae those." WHY WILSON WENT TO EUROPE. Mr. Edward W. Bok (the famous American editor) tells a story of how President Wilson explained to him his intention to attend the Peace Conference in Paris: "Risky," I commented. "For whom, or what?" he asked. "For you, and your personal prestige," I answered. "That is not the question," he fairly snapped out. "My personal future or my political fortunes matter not. It is what I can do on the ground better than from this distance. I know I can not realise the impossible things that the people of Europe feel I can do. I know all that. I know there will be a tumble, and I'll be the one who will do the tumbling act. That is inevitable. No man can make good as a Deity. It's the cause I am after; not what becomes of mc. Tho cause," he repeated, as he wheeled around, and looked through ihe window. Then as his eye fell on the distance where the Lincoln memorial was to be, he turned to mc, and said: "I believe Lincoln would have gone."