ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 224, 20 September 1924, Page 18

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

FRANKIE OF DEVON. A certain learned and painstaking schoolmaster was testing the general I knowledge of a class under his care. I "And what," said he to a small boy, "is the feminine of drake I" "Queen Elizabeth, sir," answered the boy. FORETHOUGHT OF A SCOTSMAN. air. ttlacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host ! knew no bounds except the capacities of the guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr. .MacTavish rose up and made the rounds of the company, bidding each person present a ceremonious farewell. "But, Sandy, mon," objected the host, "ye're no' goin' yet, with the evenin' just startin'?" "Nay," said the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' gom' yet. But I'm tellin , ye good night while I know ye." A WEMBLEY COMEDY. Princess Baa, the super-brunette who is one of the attractions of the British is generally supposed to know only two words of English, but apparently her vocabulary lis extending. . . The other day a rather patronising society woman was introduced to her, and the princess, having delivered her i two English words, relapsed into silence. lAs the patronising dame was on tho I point of going, however, the princess electrified everybody around by exclaiming in a fair imitation of a West Kensington accent: "Well, good-bjie, old bean!" CHEAP EDITIONS. Surely, the Scotch are the best natured people in the world. Alone among races they keenly enjoy stories on the alleged qualities of their countrymen. Norman McKinnel, the 1 well-known Scottish actor, is no exception to the rule, as witness the followI ing-: A Scottish actor was one of a I group recently photographed for an illustrated paper. He rather fancied himself —the photographer had assured him that his expression was most dramatic — and he approached Mr. McKinnel afterward and addressed Mm confidentially, "la yon a dear paper?" he inquired. "It costs a shilling!" replied Mr. McKinnel. The other's face fell. "Ah, weel," he sighed, "I micht go to a free library and tear out the page. THE PERFECT LIFE. The young reformers were having a debate, and when they luid agreed that England was just about as bad as it I could be, a grim-faced man arose. <c What 'you seem to want, friends, is a place where everyone has to be good by law." "That's it," agreed the reformers. I "Where smoking is not allowed and such la thing as drink is unknown. Where no one reed worry about food and clothes. Where everyone has to go to church, and everyone keeps regular hours." "Oh, to find such a place," said a soulful fellow. "Easily found," replied the grim man, "Tve just come out from doing twelve months in one." THE CELESTIAL FOURTH. Irwln Oobb saya that the following story Is Tevlved every time the Government takes a census:— "It developed, in the course of the conversation, that the householder some months before had been Induced by a travelling agent to Invest In an encyclopaedia. To get the worth of Ills money he had been reading the tiooke of the set pretty constantly ever since. In reply to the caller's questions he gave hli name and age and his wife's name and age. " IHow many Infant children have yoTiT asTced the census taker. 'I've got three,' said the citizen. 1-Vud that's all there ever will be, too, yon take It from me.' "What makes yon co positive about that? , asked the visitor. 'I'll tell yon why there won't never be but three,' said the man. 'It's wrote down In this here iboofc that every ■fourth child born In the world Is Chinese.' " HIS FATHER'S GAOL. C. L. llcCleur Stevens, whose latest book, "Famous Crimes and Criminals" is fresh from the press tells an amusing "etory on himself. On one occasion he had to visit a prison to take notes for an article he was writing. On returning home he described what he had seen, and his little son, aged six, listened intently. A few days later he was travelling by train, taking the boy with him. In the game compartment were several other passengers. Presently the train drfew up at a station near a gloomy building. "What place is that?" asked the child. "A prison," was the reply. Whereupon the inquisitive youngster embarrassed Mr. Stevens, and aroused the suspicion of the other passengers by further inquiring in a loud, shrill voice: "Is that the prison you were In, dad I" THE IGNORAMUS. In a saloon in Kentucky a talkative stranger informed the company that he had been everywhere and seen everything. J "At this a gentleman who was far overtaken in stimulant slid the entire length of the bar, using his left elbow for a rudder. Anchoring himself along- | side the stranger he hooked a practised and accomplished instep on the brass rail to hold him upright and he focused a watery, wavering, bloodshot eye upon the countenance of the other and to him in husky tones ho said:— "ExcusTi mc, but could I ash you a ques-shun ?" ! "Sure, yon could ask mc a question " said the stranger. "Go ahead." "The ques-shun," said the alcoholic one, sas follows: Have you ever had delirum tremens?" "Certainly not," snorted the stranger _ 'Well, you big piker!" said "the inebriate, then you ain't never been nowheree—and you ain't never seen nothin'."