ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume 55, Issue 152, 28 June 1924, Page 18

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

ETERNAL FEMININE. John R. Fell, the Philadelphia capitalist, said at a dinner in. Narragansett: | "Every story has two sides. I took a friend of mine to task the other day. 'Your wife,' I said reproachfully, 'says I you can't keep her in clothes. , 'Well, , growled my friend, 'I've bought her a house out at Wissahickon Heights, and 1 can't keep her in that, either.'" LIKE A LADY. "In going from New York to Chicago," said Mr. Lloyd George, "I observed a pretty little girl chewing gum. Not only did she chew it, but she insisted in pulling it out in long strings and then letting it fall back into her mouth again. Finally, when the thing was beginning to get on my nerves, the child's mother leaned over and in a very audible whisper said: 'Marcella, don't do that! Sit up and chew your gum like a little lady.'" THE LIGHT FANTASTIC. A good story a.sainst himself is told by Mr. W. J. A. Davies, England's former famous international Rugby halfback and captain. At Grenoble, in France, his team was entertained at a civic reception followed by a dance. Now, Davies rather fancied himself as a dancer, but one of his partners, at all events, held a different opinion, for after one waltz with him she summed up the situation as follows: "Ah! Monsieur Davies, on the football field — superb; on the dancing floor —Oh, mon Dieu." THE CATECHISM. "Dr. MacGregor—'Wee MacGregor' as he was usually termed—the well-known minister of St. Cuthbert's at Edinburgh, I used to say that Dr. Marshall Lang (Principal of Aberdeen University), who was inclined to be pompous in his manner, was once catechising in a Sundayschool and asked a child if he know 'Who lam ? ' The child was frightened and did not answer at once. 'Come,' 6aid Dr. Lang, 'don't you know who I am?' 'God,' was the reply. "Not exactly that,' said Dr. Lang. Another story of MacGregor'e was about a boy, who when asked what is meant by a lie, wrote in answer: 'A lie is an abominable sin and a very pleasant help in time of trouble.' " A PORTUGUESE FROM PORTOBELLO. One of the best of many good stories told by Mr. Will Fyffe, the Scottish comedian, concerns a countryman of his on his first visit to London. Leaning over Blackfriara Bridge as dusk was falling he was astounded to see all the lights on the embankment flare up with one accord as if by magic. He walked up to the nearest policeman and said in surprised tones, "Tell mc, mannie, wha' lichted a , the lichties?" The policeman scratched his head and thought hard. "Beg pardon, sir?" he said at last. "I was juist askin' ye wha' lichted a' the lichties," repeated the visitor. The policeman was dumbfounded, and at last courtesy fled from his soul. "Gam, yer Portuguese blighter," he ordered sharply. "Op-pit!" THE RETORT DIRECT. Recent outbreaks in various parts of England of a plague of anonymous letter writing recall a story of that eminent Nonconformist divine, Dr. Parker, who made a neat score on one occasion against the writer of one of these epistles. Whilst in his pulpit one Sunday morning at the City Temple, Lon- , don, a note was handed to him by the verger, and upon opening it he found scrawled across a sheet of paper the word "Fool." Rising immediately to the occasion, the great preacher exhibited it to his congregation, and said: "In my time I have received much anonymous correspondence in which the writer has written the letter but forgotten to sign his name. But here is a stranger thing—a man has signed his name and omitted to write the letter!" THE ANTIDOTE. Joseph G. Cannon, strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington when Speaker of the House, was met by Representative James S. Sherman of New York, who congratulated the speaker on President Roosevelt's announcement against a third term, and added: "Now that Roosevelt is out of it, nothing can prevent your being nominated for president." "Jim," said the speaker, as he entwined his arm in thr.t of the sturdy New York member "I am reminded of old Bill Devine out in my district. Devine was on his way home from a political rally, and his skin fairly oozed alcohol. Passing through a field he kicked up a rattlesnake which emitted a warning. Bill drew himself up with dignified solemnity, eyed the reptile with lofty contempt, and said: 'Strike, darn you; you will never find m c better prepared.'" FORBIDDEN FRUIT. Lord Reading—better known to fame as Sir Rufus Isaacs—recently told the story of his first brief. He' had been retained to defend a man, a street trader, who had been summoned for selling bad figs. Mr. Isaacs, as he then was, expatiated at length on the quality of the frmt, and in this he was, as was only natural, backed up by his client. Presently the magistrate intervened. "Had either of them tasted the fruit?" he asked. They both confessed that they had not. Whereupon the magistrate suggested that either the defendant or his counsel should eat some in Court. Mr. Isaacs turned to his client"Go on," he whispered; "eat one or two. "What will happen if I don't?" whispered the other in reply. "You'll lose the case." "All right," answered the defendant resignedly, "then 111 l ose ROLAND FOR AN OLIVER. A visit to London in 1880 brings this reminiscence of Professor Huxley in his home:— "We were at a large Sunday evening high tea at his house. Nearly"everyone present enjoyed some distinction. After supper in the long twilight the youn« folks adjourned to the lawn to play croquet, the then popular game." "There was a Nonconformist church near by. The singing was distinctly heard, as was the clicking of our croquet balls. In the midst of the fun a stern-looking individual appeared, stalked up to Professor Huxley, and said: 'Sir, the rector and ocr congregation beg, that during the hours of service, you will refrain from disturbing us by making this most objectionable noise with the croquet balls. , "To which Huxley loftily replied • 'Sir I and my guests beg, that during our enjoyment of my garden, that your rector and his congregation will refrain from disturbing us by making th e very distressing noise caused by your sineing." , b