ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume LIV, Issue 293, 8 December 1923, Page 18

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

PERFECTION. One morning Douglas Jerrold and Compton proceeded together to view the pictures in the Gallery of Illustration. On entering the anteroom they found themselves opposite to a number of long mirrors. "Look at that picture," said Compton, pointing to his own reflection. "Very fine," said Jerrold, regarding it intently; "wants hanging, though." FAMILY DISTINCTION. Beerbohm Tree told this story: "At a children's afternoon party, one of the boy guests boastfully announced that his father had presented him with a silver ■ spoon bearing on the handle the inscrip- ] tion 'For a good boy.' I "'Well,' said another lad, jealous for I family distinction, 'my father went out ;to dinner last night, and brought mc ' home a silver fork with "Savoy Hotel* j engraved on the back.' " YOUNG WINSTON. A glimpse of the very young Winston Churchill as revealed by his mother. Lady Randolph Churchill. One morning at breakfast she showed Sir Henry Lucy a letter the mail had brought her from her son. Winston, then at Sandhurst. It was a most dutiful epistle, humbly begging his mother's permission to go out to Cuba and take part in a little war !at that time going on in the island. It concluded with the expression of the hope that his mother would not offer any objection to a course dear to his heart. ', Then came the postscript, characteristii cally brief and to the point. "I start for Cuba on Saturday." PEARY AT HOME. Peary, the discoverer of the North I Pole, discussing hotels with a Washington reporter, once said: "Modern hotels are becoming more and more luxurious. Every bedroom now has its private bath and dressing room. These hotels can't do enough to make you comfortable." | Peary stroked his moustache and smiled. I "In fact," he said, "when I stopped, | just after my return from the North I Pole, at Simeon Ford's luxurious hotel, [ Mr. Ford bowed and rubbed his hands, and said anxiously: 'We shall do everything to make you feel at home. Would you like a nice large cake of ice in your I bed. sir?' " Peary did not accpet the offer.

A BISHOP PUZZLED. ! An amusing story in connection with ' the great Bishop Wilberforce was once ! related by Dr. Newman Hall. After examining a Sunday school, the bishop said. I "Now, children, I have been asking you a lot of questions. Just ask mc one." | A lad promptly took the divine at his word, and put the following poser, "P-p-p-please, sir, w-w-what use was Jacob's 1-1-ladder to the angels if they had w-w-wings?" The bishop was puzzled, and walked the schoolroom pensively, until a bright idea struck him, and wheeling round to the boys cried authoritatively, "Now, boys, you have heard that question. Why don't you give it an answer';" To his lordship's further surprise, one of the children had an answer ready, to the effect that the angels could not at that time use their wings because they were "moulting-" SAMPLES OP ! A missionary from India met an American at dinner. The missionary helped himself to chutney, a condiment which was quite new to the American, and the missionary persuaded him to have some. "The American helped himself liberally, but after the first considerable consignment had passed within his lips he did not speak again for some time. He seemed overwhelmed by some great emotion; his lips quivered; indeed, his whole face was convulsed, and tears ran in streams down his cheeks. "When at length he had recovered himself and was able to speak again, he turned a reproachful face on the missionary. 'You Bay you are a missionary?' he inquired, pathetically. 'That is so,' was the reply. 'And you no doubt believe in Hell fire?' 'I do.' 'No doubt you do; but I'm blamed if you are not the first missionary I ever heard of who took samples round with him.'" CEREMONIOUS KISSING. Lord Dufferin once had a little joke taken in earnest to his own temporary discomfiture. He was touring with a companion he chooses to call Fritz in Iceland, and on first mixing with Icelandic society he whispered to Fritz that he understood it was the proper thing in those parts for travellers departing on a journey to kiss the ladies who were entertaining them. Lord Dufferin says he little anticipated that Fritz would take him at his word. "Guess my horror," he continues, "when I saw him, with an intrepidity I envied, but dared not imitate, first embrace the mamma by way of prelude, and then proceed in the most natural way possible to make the same tender advances to the daughter. I was dumb with consternation; the room swam before mc; I expected we should next minute be packed neck and crop into the street, and that the young lady would have gone off into hysterics." But it was only the smart rebound of a jest. All's well that ends well; and the ladies, not knowing, perhaps, that it was not the usual behaviour of Englishmen, allowed the ceremony with quiet grace and dignity.

COME INSIDE ! In 191.") Mr. Lloyd George was Chancellor of the Exchequer. One evening while his chauffeur was lighting the lamps of the car the Chancellor got out of the car to have a look at the rear lamp. Unfortunately, the chauffeur, thinking that Mr. Lloyd George was inside, drove off at full speed to make up for lost time, and failed to hear the Chancellor call. The statesman was five miles from his home in Surrey. Plodding along, he was cheered by the sight of a building fairly well lit up in front. He recognised it as the county lunatic asylum. Surely here he would get a lift. In response to his summons at the front door tbe hall porter made his appearance and sharply inquired the object of his call. Lloyd George explained, and asked for assistance to complete his journey home. The porter shook his head and prepared to close the door. "But." said tbe wayfarer. "I am the Chancellor of the Exchequer." 'Yes, yes."' said the porter, gruffly. "We've got six of 'em inside. You go out to the gate, turn to the left, and you'll get home before morning." There being no visible appeal from this judgment tlie Chancellor recommenced Ills journey, and had not gone far when, to his delight, he saw his car returning. The chauffeur, reaching home and opening the car door, found he had lost his passenger, and In a state of amazed trepidatiou went back in search of him.