MERRIER MOMENTS

Auckland Star, Volume LIII, Issue 226, 23 September 1922, Page 20

MERRIER MOMENTS

Vicar (driving to church), to passerby: 'Where are you going, John: "To church, in the next parish.'' "'I don't like that. What would you say if your sheep .strayed to someone . else's property'. 1 " j ''Well, as far as that g-oes, I wouldn't say not bin' if the pasturage was better I"' "Stop, will ye, Murphy?'' cried Tat, as lie was being let down into a well that needed repairs. "Oi want to come up again.'' "What for?"' asked Murphy. "Never raoind," replied Tat: then, when he found himself being still let down, he shouted. "Ii yo don't stop I'll cut the rope.'' A father was explaining to his children the mysteries of bird migration, lie told how the swallows and martins leave in the autumn for warmer climates. "Does the robin g t) away, too: asked his eight-year-old daughter. "Xo, he gets himself a new red waistcoat and stays," replied father. '"Oh, daddy, does he really wear stays'.' - ' asked flic little girl, in surprise. A British envoy arrived at a town in Eastern Europe, with a large sum in' specie, and drove to the bank with the' boxo.-., sitting beside the driver. I "It's a long time since I drove across here." said the driver, as the wagon rumbled over a bridge, '"but the mayor has given special permission for your Excellency to use it." "Indeed!" replied the envoy, highly Mattered. ''Aren't the public allowed to cross it?" "Not they,"' replied ihe driver: "it's WHY HE WAS CAKED. A teacher told her class to brin<j something to demonstrate the use of the word "immaterial." One bright boy brought a big stick. "Well." said the teacher, "how does that demonstrate the use of the word immaterial ?" "I'll show you, miss," said the lad. "Now. yon take hold of one end, hnd then the other. That's right. Now leave go one end." "Which end':" asked the teacher. "'Well, ji's immaterial, miss,"' replied the boy. "There's treacle on both ends!" COK&REI): Four men sat around a taibie in the centre of a large room. Vht massive oak doors, dark rich rugs, and heavy armchairs seemed to add to the ominous atmosphere. The only light in ths room was a chandelier directly over the table. Tlie air was heavy with tobacco smoke. Somewhere in the outlying shadows a clock struck midnight. Three serious faces gazed across at the young man. Finally one said: — " Come, come, Herbert, it's getting late. What are you coing to do." The younsr man realising that he must decide, and decide at once, straightened up in his chair and said in a clear, coo voice: — "I'll go solo."

A POOR DODGER. An illiterate man was in the witness box, and the pompous magistrate sought to improve the occasion while emphasis. ing his own superiority. "What! Enable to read and write?" he said, sternly. "And with all the advantages for elucation that tire provided by modern civilisation! You have had equal opportunities with myself, for instance, but your neglect of them would quite unfit you to sit in my place. How is it that I have become a. public man and a magistrate, while you lack even the rudiments of education?" Tha worm turned. "Well." he replied, "I suppose it's be cause you wasn't so smart as mc in dodging the school attendance officer." X'OTHIXff DOING. MacTavish was not a mean man. Xc: he just knew tbe value of money. When he developed a sore throat lit meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative In hung about for a day and a-half outsidf the local doctor's surgery. Finally he managed to catch the great man. 'T say. doctor! Hoo's beezness w'r ye the noo ?" "Oh, feyr, feyr!" 'S'pose ye've a deal o' proscriVm' tac dae fer eookls an" sair throats?" "Ay:" "An what dae yc/gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?" '•Xacthin'," replied tbe canny oli doctor. "I dinna' want a sair throat.' r.U'.-K AN'l) El-l'EC!'. For n long time Paddy Xolau had be-r anxious to possess a watch, and. at last in one n f his rare moments of prosperity he resolved to make the plunge. H< bought one from a local jeweller—n mas she jrunmctal timepiece which the yon dor guaranteed, subject to the ususi conditions, to keep in order for a yen I .' Long before the year had expire.! Paddy returned to the shop. With bin he took his cherished purchase, whirl was looking very tired and sorry foi itself. The jeweller examined the watch, am then shrucTCd bis shoulders ominously "But you must have had an aceidoni with it," he said. "A small one. sure, enough, sir. T( tell the truth, about two months ag_< I I was feeding the pig, when the wate" fell into the trough.'' "Then,'' snapped tbe jeweller, "vol should have brought it back to ny liefore." "Sure," replied Paddy, "t brought i back as soon as I could. Wo only kiUci the pig yesterday."