MERRER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LIII, Issue 78, 1 April 1922, Page 23

MERRER MOMENTS.

"Robert: Mother, was Robinson Crusoe an acrobats Mother: I don't know. Why? Robert: Well, this book Pays that after he had finished his day's work he sat down on his chest. "Tour honor," said the prosecuting attorney. In an American court, "your bull pup has .-one and chawed up the court Bible." "Well." grumbled his Honor, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible." "Well," teported the new commercial, swinging jauntily into the office, "I got two orders from Hardinut and Co. to-day." "Fine, fine:" exclaimed the manager, enthusiastically. "Yes. One to get out and the other to Stay out." "Here boy," exclaimed the excited little man. as he rushed up to a page in a big hotel. -Run up to my room and see .if my umbrella is there. Hurry now, because I've Just pot Aye minutes to catch a train." Three minutes later the boy came tripping down the stairs. "Yes, sir," he S3ld. "Ifs there all right." This is the story of how a very mean old lady once bad her heart touched. A tramp came to her house and knocked. He was a good actor, and when she opened the door, behold, he was eating the grass on her lawn. "Oh, my poor, poor man," she said, wringing her hands, "go next door. Their grass is much longer than mine." Hotel Proprietor (disturbed at 2 a.m..: ■What's up? Guest: I want another room. Proprietor: Oh. go to bed—you'll be all right in the morning. Guest: I tell you I want another room. Proprietor: What's the matter with your room? Guest: Well, it's on fire, for a start. A villagr ne*er-do-weel, who was out early on poaching intent, came face to face with the squire. There was no escape, so he said, -Good morning, sir. What brings you out os early?" "Getting an appetite for my breakfast," answered the squire. "And what brings you out so early?" "Getting a breakfast for my appeUte," was the reply. Only after extreme pressure did tbe Famous Singer consent to hear and pass judgment upon the voice of Sadie, the profiteer's only daughter. "Don't you think she ought to be sent to Milan?" asked the father, buoyantly, after Sadie's spirited rendering of "The Jewel Song." The Famous Singer drew his hand wearily across his brow. "Oh, farther than that," he advised. Two men chanced to be sitting opposite to cne another in a train. Presently one of them produced a notebook and proceeded to make a sketch of the other. After he had completed the drawing he shut up the book and returned it to his pocket. The man opposite was both interested and era-fied by this attention, and. leaning forward, he said: "You are an artist, I perceive, "Xo," replied the other, •__ not exactly an ar__t. rm a designer of door knockers." An old Scotsman had just buried his We. his helpmate and companion for fifty years. After the funeral one of his lonely? retUrD6d WUh the old man to the lonely house. They went in, took seats, one on each side of the fire, and said nothing for some time. By and by the old man looked across at his nephew, and said:— •Weel, Jimmie, your auntie's awa*." "Aye, uncle, she's gone." "Aye, aye," continued the old man "she was a gTaund woman, a quid haun* wi' her needle, a fine cook, an* a deeligent hoosewife, but somehow—(with a sigh and a shake of the head)—somehow— weel, I ■ never really likit the woman:" An actor was stopped one day by a pretty girl, who pinned a yellow chrysanthemum in his buttonhole, gave him a dazzling smile and hurried on without a word. The actor went on his way, and that evening he received a note from the girl, reminding him of the afternoon's romantic episode, and asking him "to send her two seats as a memento of the occasion. The actor, with a gnm smile, snatched up a postcard and wrote the pretty girl these lines:— "I should be delighted to send rou the seats you ask for as a memento, but on personal investigation at the theatre I find that they are ali nailed down." HALF A MAS. An extraordinarily fat woman. laden with pu reels and packages, and bearing upon her countenance the look of one who is used to speaking her mind, was trying to mount th<! steps of a motor bus. Helplessly looking on stood the con--uctor—a diminutive bantam of a person. The large female, having reached the second step, with a glance of withering scorn, said, "If yer was 'art a man yer'd *elp mc up." Tbe uniformed miniature calmly replied: "If yer was 'art a woman, I would." SAFETY FIRST. The great banker looked keenly at the young man. "So you s 1 "? temporarily embarrassed, eb?" he asked, kindly. "I am sorry to say I am," said the young man. emboldened by his manner. "How much do you want?" i "A hundred pounds would tide mc over." "And what security can you offer?" "I can offer yon," said the young man. Impressively, "my own personal security." The old man arose with a slow smile, nnd raised the lid of au iron-bound chest which stood in a corner. "Will you get in here. please?" he said. "In there? Why?" 1 "Because," was the reply, "this is the: j place iv which I always keep my securi-1 _ |i DIDX*T XEKD HIS ADVICE. V { Higgins is troubled with an overweening j j curiosity about other people's affairs. Occ_-: j sionally he comes a cropper, as, for in-; < stSnce, when be met Smithers in a tram |« car. . I "Busy, eh?" he inquired, off-hand. ."Yes," said Smithers. deliberately. "Been I J buying a horse for my wife." 1 1 "Have, eh? Well, let mc give you some j points." | j *'Oh, I've concluded a bargain." j . "Not without trying him, surely? Was he ' Bound in wind and limb?" « "He appeared to be." 1 "Doesn't jib?" "Xo-o, I reckon not." "Stand without hitching?"' "Y-e-s, I think so." "Good gait?" But here Smithers got up to leave the; car. As he stepped off he called back to Higgins:— "I neglected to mention the kind of horse aqr wife wanted. It -Za_ a clothes borse." ,