MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LII, Issue 55, 5 March 1921, Page 19

MERRIER MOMENTS.

•BOTH SIDES OF IT. Mrs. Chatterton: My husband reads mc lik> an open book. Mrji. Martc: I wonder if he wouldn't rather shut you up. TOOK AWAT HIS STRENGTH. iMother: Tommy, are yon tall enough to reach that bottle on the kitchen shelf? Tommy: Not if it contains cod liver on. PROOF. She: I am collecting, you know, for the suffering poor. He: But are yon quite sure they are suffering? She: Oh, yes. Why, I go to their homes and talk to them for hours. Affable gnest (to the brldegmpm}: They tell mc the 'bride has money, Wullle. They say this marriage is worth a quid fower thoosan" poon' tae ye, man. Canny bridegroom: No' quite that, Tarn. Folk forget I hae tae pey for the marriage licence. Two friends were dining together. The one who carved gave himself the best of the bird. His friend, "What would yon have done>4hen?" th» carver. "Given yon the\*est part of fche bird." "Well, I've got it, haven't I?" was the reply. Tom Green, mho owned a donkey and cart, fell into a drnnken Bleep by the wayside, and someone stole the donkey. Wiqjn he awoke he rubbed his eyes and looked at the name on the cart. "If my name's Tom Green," be said, "I've lost a donkey. If it isn't I've found a cart." "I -wish you would tell mc," eaid tie agent, who had been a long time on Mr. Snagg's trail, "what is your objection •> having your life insured." Well, I don't mind telling yon," replied Snaggs, "the of being more vahiabl* dead than ailve is distasteful to mc." A politician was once addressing a meeting. He said, in tie course of Ms epeeen, that lie would like to see Home Kule, not only for Ireland, but for Scotland anil Wales. "And for iHell, too," somebody int«& rtrpted. ".^ "Certainly," said the speaker. "I like » hear a man stand np for his country." LUCKY BILL. First Coster: "Well, poor old Bill's gone!" Second Coster (scornfully): "Poor, indeed! Luckiest bloke in the market. Couldn't touch nuffink wifout It turned to money. Insured 'is 'ouse—burnt in a month. Insured 'iself again' accidents—broke 'is arm first week. Joined the burial 6ociety last Toosday. and now 'c's 'opped it. I call it luck." Tie sympathetic caller could see that things were wrong in the household—^ "lour husband has been ill?" she«aiL "Yes," said the worried \roman v "pro my best to please him, but nothing seems to satisfy him." "Is his condition critical?" "Critical!" exclaimed the woman. "It , * worse than critical; it's quite abusive." "I see," he said, "that coal has gone up again." "Has it?" she replied, casually. "And they're raising house rents," lie continued. "Well," she exclaimed, flaring np, "If you wish to -break off our engagement, say so. I hate people to beat about the busbi in a case of this kind." To a painter's studio came a little motherly sister in charge of a baby -wbe was to sit as a model. All that happened to it in the way of disrobing and posing the baby took in good part, and the artist was well satisfied. Not so the Baby's guardian. "Sit up etrite," she commanded. "Tike those pleats from fcout of your stummlck." A distinguished p*fr had a faithful bat saper-serrile iutler, evening when a large party of guesife was being entertained at dinner the ho*", ■noticed that the man seemed extraordinarily nervous and made stupid mistakes. The butler, however, kept on bravely until the coffee was served, and then stole up behind his master's chair, and said, softly, "Please, my lord, can you spare mc now? My 'ouse 'as been aflre for a hour and a 'alf." Two American women, one of whom carried an infant of surpassing ugliness, entered a London bus. A man who sat opposite them seemed fascinated by the ugliness of the baby, and could not keep Jjis eyes off it. At length the mother, annoyed by the prolonged stare, leaned forward and said "ißubber."

The man, unaware that tMfl Is the Yankee expression for staring, jk-ve a sign, of relief and replied; "Thank Heaven, J thought It was real." A FEARSOME CREATURK. In a remote part of the Highland?, where the minioter only visited on special occasions, such as marriages and funerals, there had been a christening. A rooster had been killed in honour of the occasion, and the minister invited to the feast. Some time later, npon his visiting the family, he was amused to notice the children on his approach suddenly drive the chickens to the rear of the house, crying, "Rin. rin! Doe_ ye no ken that's th" mon that ate ye're fayther!" SAFETY FIRST. Jewellers have been doins well In the last few months, says the "Morning Pnet." the popularity of diamonds as an invpnment being humorously described by one of them as "a warning that a rpvolutjon is expected." The foUowini discussion between two "work-ladies" in a tube train throws further liffht on th? matter. •' That's a pretty dl'mond ring, dearie!

14 Yes, it cost thirty pund. better put yer money into soinethin , pretty to look at. which Loyd Oeorge can't set »t nor bailiffs neither. Besides, they treats yer like a lidy when yer tikes a rvel good ring into tba popshop—not as if you was common pawaln , yer 'usband's trousers fer a iroaj'- „• drink." HZS. AMBITION". She was a pretty and ambitions cirl, and had studied *he matrimonial problem to • nicety. ••Yes. I suppose I shaH «d eventually," she said; "but the only of aiascnline nuisance that will suit mc must be tall and dark, with classical features. Hβ must be ttrave. yet genUe. withal he mast he strong—a lion amongst men, but a knight amonjst ladies." That evening, a how-legged, lath-tomed vonth. wpnrlns cheek trousers, and smok.ns ■i coflin-nail cijrarette tliat smelt worse than l burning boot, rattled on the area railings tvlth a nlnepenn? walking-stick, and the »irt knocked four tumblers and a. cut-glass fruit dish off the sideboard in her hast* io get to him.