MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LI, Issue 254, 23 October 1920, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Poet: I seek a phrase that shall express the joy of life in two words. Can you suggest anything? Unfeeling Friend: Received payment. "Ah, mc!" exclaimed 'Mrs. Bidger, "my shopping was most tmsatisfactory today!" "Ah!" grunted her 'husband. "Trying to get something for nothing, I suppose?" "Yes, dear; 1 was after a birthday gift for you!" Wifey: I heard a noiee when you came in last night. Hubby: Perhaps it was the night falling. Wife (coldly): No, it wasn't; it was the day breaking. Vicar (wishing to be very severe): Do you know, John, whenever I see you in an intoxicated condition I think of a certain animal? John: Aye! I know, parson. Yo' thinks, "Lucky <log, luckly dog!" "Esther," questioned the teacher of a member of the juvenile class, "what ie the difference 'between electricity and lightning?" "You don't have to pay nothing for lightning," came the prompt reply. "Did I understand you to say that you didn't have any company in the kitchen when 1 was out. Kate?" "Vis, mum, that's what I said." "But I smell the tobacco from a pipe all through the house." "Vis, muni; thp policeman was here for half an hour, i..uni; but we were in the drawing room." "Well, Tommy, did you learn anything at school to-day?" asked the proud father. "Yes, dad," replied the youngster with pugilistic ambitions. "Fine! What waa it? History, geography, grammar " "No, dad. I learned that Sam Snoggs, the butcher's eon, packs an awful punch in has right." Customer: "I say, this rifle you sold mc yesterday ie no good." Dealer: '•What's the matter with it?" Customer: "It shoots too accurately." Dealer: "Why, isn't that just what you want?" Customer: "I should think not. I'm the proprietor of a shooting gallery, and I give prizes to those who score a high number of points." "I am not expecting any package," said ■Mr. 'Howdle, as a van stopped at the door of his house. "This is the number," persisted the driver, looking at his book a<*ain. "Xame's 'Howdle, ain't it?" "Yes." "Number 72?" "That's our number." Then, it's for you." "I think it must be case of mistaken identity." "Ho, eir; it's a ca-se of beer. ,, "Oh, it that eot Bring it in." NOTHING BUT WORRY. "It's the little things that worry a man most." f "You bet it is! I've got seven to buy shoes for this year." RATHER! "I find, the only way to keep servants is to treat them as our equals-' , ' "But, my dear, aren't you rather ambitious?" THE NHW POOR. "Good morning, madame. I deal in cast-off clothing." "Oh, how lucky! Do you think you have anything that would suit my husband ?" ACCIDENT to A SHBRT. Ilusiband (looking up from the paper which he hae Ibeen reading): 1 see Thompson's ehirt store hae 'been burned out. "Wife (efcghtly deaf): (Whose? Hueband: Thompson's ehirt store. Wife: ©ear mc, who tore it? BEFORE THERE WERE GERMS. City Doctor: To what do you attribute your remarkable age and your wonderful health? Countryman: Well, I got a pretty good start on most people by bein' born afore germs was discovered, an , so I have had lees to worry about. TIT FOR TAT. Porter: Miss, your train is— Precise Passenger: My man, why do you cay "your train" when you know it belongs to the railway company? Porter: Dunno, miss; why do you say "my man" when you know I belong to my old woman? SLOW POISON". "Do you drink coffee?" aeked the doctor of an aged patient. "Yes," wae the reply. "Coffee," continued the M.D., "is a slow poison." "Yes, "very slow," Teplied the old man, "I nave taken it daily for nearly eighty years." "EPIDEMIC" DEFINED. The echoolmaster asked his class if any of them could tell him what an epidemic was. No answer. "Well, I will tell you. An epidemic is anything that spreads. Now, what ie an epidemic?" "Jam, sir!" shouted the class, in chorus. FIDELITY. "Tom says that cigars are his best friends," observed Dick. "I believe that to be the case," answered Harry, "and I know he is absolutely true to them." "How so?" asked Dick. "Because," responded Harry with a reflective smile, "he has never been known to give any of his friends away!" THE UNINITIATED. "So y'see," explained the bookie, "if the 'oree starts at twenty to one, you o-et twenty quid and your own back; ten to one, ten quid and your own back. Now y' understand?" "Oh, yes," piped Clarence, "I quite see that; but,supposing the horse etarts at a quarter to one, what do I get then?" REASSURING. There is a story told concerning a careful mother whose three children horrified her one day by producing for her inspection three exceedingly bilious-look-ing toffee apples. -"They are very pretty, my dears," she lied bravely. "But really you mustn't eat them. I've heard of little children dying through eating coloured toffee apples." Then she took the sweetmeats away and put them out of reach —as she thought—on a shelf in her dressing room. She imagined that would do the trick; but early next morning she heard a sound out on the landing, g°' n g to see who was astir so early, found Elsie trotting along the passage. "Where are you going, dear?" she asked. "It's not six o'clock yet." "Going to see if Dick and Arthur are dead yet," replied the eight-year-old miss. "I'm not."