MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LI, Issue 27, 31 January 1920, Page 22

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Housewife: "If you love work, "why don't you find it? , ' Tramp (sadly): ""Alas, lady, love is 'blind." Magistrate: "You are convicted of pigstealing. Now, if this sort of thing is be safe!' , Annie: "So Jack is engaged, is he? An 4is Mabel the bride-to-be i" Fanny: "No, she is the tried-to-be!" "Little Hs."ol<i," said his proud mother, "prows more like his father every day.' "\ou don't say so?" sighed her neighbour. "And have you tried anything for it?"' Poris: " Why don't you marry her?" Jack: "I'd iike to, but, unfortunately, clip has an impediment in her speech." Doris: "What is it?" •Tack: "" She can't say ' Yes." " slr. Peck: Are you positive it was a marriage license you gave mc last month 1 Registrar: Certainly. Mr. Peck: "Well. I've led a dog's life ever since. NurPinEj er (Co wounded Irishman in hoFTMt-ftl: "What arc you doing out of bed after lights out?" " Shure, now, lister, 1 only got out to tuck myself in." Visitor: 'Confound it, sir; I've just been stung by one of your infernal bees'. What are you going to do about it?"' Beekcpcr: "' If you'll first show mc which bee it was, sir, I'll punish the horrid thing severely!"' Miss Snips: '"I wonder why Maud gave her ajje a? twenty-five when she married that rich old man?" Mies Snappe: "Oil. I suppose she mnde a discount for cash!" Parson: "Who i s making that terrible noise and using that terrible language in your house, Mrs. Petersen?" Mrs. Petersen: " It's only my husband He wants to go to church, and" can't find his prayer-book." The Queen of Hearts once made gome tarts, Aβ ladies sometimes do. The Knave of Hearts purioined the tarts (If what we're told is true). The King of Hearts he knew those tarts (The theft was his suggestion). The Knave just did as he was bid, And died of indigestion. . I THOROUGHLY AT HOME. Dobson: "Mr. Biggs is altogether too litera , " "Hobson: "How so?" Dobson: "The last time he was at my house I told him to make himself thoroughly at home, and in less than five minutes he had quarrelled with my wife, ■kicked the cat out of doors, discharged the cook, whipped the baby, and told mc I was an ass." HIS CONTRIBUTION. A little boy of five was invited to a children's party. The next day he was giving an account of the fun, and said that each of the little visitors had contributed either a song, a recitation, or music for the pleasure of the others. "Oh, poor little Jack," s aid his mother. " How very unfortunate you could do nothing!'^ "Tes, I could, mother," replied the young 'hopeful. "I stood up and said my prayers." BEYOND HER. "Madame." said the clairvoyant's manager, "will now proceed to demonstrate her powers by answering questions put to her by any member of the audience." "Tell us where there's a house to let," piped (someone, and the answering eilence could have been cut with a knife. ALARMING. He looked despairingly into vacancy. •'I have had my misgivings," he said, 5n a dull, passionless voice, "but now I am Bure. Your laugh shows mc you are utterly heartless." She turned pale. "Heavens!" she cried, in terror, "did 1 open my mouth as wide as that?" VERY EFFECTIVE. A fanner sent half a crown for a lightning caterpillar-killer which he had seen advertised in a paper, and received by return two blocks of wood, with directions printed on them as follows:— "Take this block, which is v o. 1, in the right hand; place the caterpillar on No. 2, and press together. Remove the caterpillar, and proceed as before." WHICH? The waitress stood behind his chair "wondering what he was going to order, and he regarded the bill of fare, wondering the came. At last the prospective diner broke the silence. "A penny, miss," he eaid, "for your thoughts." She blushed deeply. "I was just -wondering," she replied, "if you were a stewed rabbit or a boiled fowl." THE PRODIGAL. The son of the house had 'been reprimanded for co he decided to leave home, and took his departure early one morning. Repenting of his folly, he returned during the evening, but mother, father, and sinter kept a stony silence towards iim. After waiting for 6ome time for some word of greeting, and hardly •quietly remarked, as he saw the cat come in: "Is that the cat you had when I went away?" WHAT HE SAW. " Do tell mc something about Mr. Oldplot's latest play!" said the young lady, on the bottom stair at the dance. "They say the climax at the close of the third act is superb! Won't you describe it to mc as you saw it?" " I will," grimly consented the young man with the split white kid gloves. " The heroine came slowly on, and knelt, dagger in hand, behind a clump of pink ribbons. Then the hero emerged from a large bunch of purple flowers, and as soon as sh e perceived him she fell upon him, stabbed him twice -with a handsome hatpin, and he sank into a beautiful aigrette." "What in the world are you talkin" about?" exclaimed the fair listener. Well," replied the narrator, "you •cc, the Udy in front of mc refused to "move her hat, and that i 3 how the •oene appeared 4 ©-mc."