MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 200, 23 August 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

( ''J wish now to tax your memory " "Good 'heavens! Has it come to that?" Nan: "Did you notice how dreadfully that piano needs tuning?" T?an: "Why, no dear; I thought it harmonised perfectly with your voice." "Do you like Miss Prattle!" "Yes, ehe's so generous. Never keeps anything to herself, and is always ready ; to give away even her best friend." Pretty Girl (to soldier just discharged ' from hospital): And how did you "feel ' when the bullet went through your arm? 1 W«ili, I felt distinctly bored, don't you know! j The Pastor: So God has sent you two: more little brothers, Dolly? , Dolly (brightly): Yes, and He knows i where the moneys coming from. I heard, 4 daddy say so. j Gaiboy: Why did you leave your last f place ? j Comely Applicant: I was caught kiss- , ing my employer, sir. ( Gaiboy: Er—um—you can. start to-morrow morning. ] Mc: Madge says her iaec ts 'her fortune." ; She (spitefully): Well, she neednt ■ be afraid anybody will ever marry her \ for her wealth. "Yes," said the Prince, who 'had' mar- q ried Cinderella, "my wiie'has the smallest foot in the kingdom." ( "How nice," said an admiring courtier. "But she can put it dtiwn as hard as ( anybody. Gerald: My love for you is like the boundless ocean. Madeline: -Just the way I take it. Gerald: What do you mean? , i ' Madeline: With a good many grains ot salt.

Bragge: "My wife and I are thinking of chartering a yacht for the summer." , A Friend: "Won't that be pretty expensive J" "Xot as long as we confine ourselves to thinking about it.' . Artist: "Oh, milkmaid, if you will poee for mc I'll give you lialf-a-crown an liour!" "Sorry, sir. but I'm getting £200 a a week from a moving picttiie company in town.' . Old .Suit: Yes, mum; them's men-o'-war. Swept Young Thing: How interesting. And what are the little ones in front? Old Salt: Oh, theme just fugs, raum.j Sweet Young Tiling: Oh. yes, of course, tugs-of-war. I've heard of them. '"Did you epeak to 'ather about mc,: Arthur?" asked the gid"Yes. I did, dear, and he agreed with mc heartily." replied the wooer. "Then he said I might marry you?" "Why—er—no. " 1 didn't, quite get co far as that. 1 just said you were a fine gin., XX( KPTIONALL.Y USEFUL. | '"What's the uscfullest animal alive?" "Duiino." ! "A chicken—'cos you can eat him before lie's born aud after he's dead." : IT'LL UP. I "Bertie." said the hospitable hostess [at a Sunday-school treat, "won't you have some more cake?" ■ "1 can't," sighed Bertie. "I'm full." '•Well, then.", knowing cake to be rare lin Bertie's ordinary scheme of life, ''put : some in your pocket's." I ISertie sighed again. "I can't. They're j full, too!" 1 INFRA DIG. I The junior partner was worried. "I j shall have tr> get another lypistc," he j lamented. "Miss .Tones is continually interrupting my dictation in ask how to spell a word." i "Dear, dear." said the senior partner, ' 'that seems a great waste of time." '•It's not that 1 mind." replied the other, "but it's ro bad for discipline to I keep on saying. "1 don't know." A COMPLICATED "RUN" IX." • You'll get run in," said the pedesIrian to the cyclUt. 'if you ride without ' a light." j "Yoii'ii get run into," responded the ; rider a< he knocked the other down. "You'll get run in, too!" said the : policeman, as he stepped forward and j seized the cyclist. ' .lust then another scorcher came along ' wiiliout a light, so the policeman was ' run into, too, and had to rvm in two. VERY AMUSING. j A schoolmaster, who was rather severe !in his manner of speaking, suddenly 'asked, '-Who signed Magna Cliarta?"' I Under the tierce aspect of tha master one of the boys broke down, and blurted out: ''Please, sir. it w-wasn't I mc!" o ! ; . The schoolmaster told the story to a | 1 party a few days later, when a bluff I old colonel laughed heartily. "Iln, ha! I shouldn't he surprised if the young rascal hadn't done it. after 'all!" TALKED SCIENTIFICALLY. The engineer had 'become fired of the 1 boastful talk he heard .from the other I enginedriveiv> at his boardinjjhouso. One ! evening lie began: ''This morning , I went over to see a new machine we've got at our .jvlacp. and it's astonishing how jit work-." "And liow does it work?" , asked one. "Well." was tiie reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a ■fulj crnmc.d lever converts a vertical reciproI eating , motion into a circular movement. 'The principal part of the machine is a • huge disc that revolves in a vertical ! plane. Power is* a-pplied through the I axis of the disc, and work is done by the ■' periphery, and the hardest steel by mere \ impact may be reduced to any shape." :'i '"What is this wonderful machine?" -was , asked. "A grindstone," was 1 tie reply.

A FAMILY BEXEFACTOR. T'n<' dark h-.ntevn flashed through the Hat. Then came the gleam of a revolver. "Hands up!" hissed the head of the family; "you're a burglar."' "Y'yos," gasped the intruder. "What have you stolen?" '"Your wife's pug dog." "H'm! Er —if that's all you may sneak out quietly."' "And you mother-in-law's parrot.' , "ReallyV Well here is some loose change." "And your daughter's gramaphone." "Good , . Here's some more loose change." "Also you son's violin.' , '•What! Great Scot, man, I'll open a special bottle. There certainly will be i some peace from now onwards," - \