MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 52, 1 March 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Wife: You're too fond of that moustache you're wearing. Hubby: I'm awfully sorry, dear, but it's the kind of thing that grows on one. Clergyman (giving out weekly notice): The preacher for next Sunday will be nailed upon the church door. •lack: Everything on earth has its mission. Jim: How about mosquitoes? Jack: They make us think more kindly of flies. Mother: Don't use that word again. Son: Shakespeare said it. Mother: Then you mustn't play with him any more. Nell: Somebody told mc to-day that I was handsome. Belle: When was that? Nell: To-day. Belle: No; I mean when you were handsome. Bertie: What's that bell around the cow's neck for? Charley: Oh, that's what she rings when she wants to tell the calf that dinner's ready. Little boy (in church for the first time), as the surpliced choir enters, whispers to his father: Are they all going to have their hair cut., father? " No," said the editor, "we cannot use your poem." "Why," asked the poet; "is it too long?" " Yes," hissed the editor. " it's too long and too wide and too thick." First Little Girl: My mother doesn't allow mc to use slang. Second ditto: Mine doesn't, either. Golly, I would get it in the neck if she heard mc use slang like some girls! Landlady: I believe in letting coffe'i boil for thirty minutes. That's the only way to get the goodness out of it. New boarder (tasing his, and leaving it): You have suceeded admirably, ma'am! Mistress: I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. Can you promise rae that? Bridget: Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about vvastin' time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'. Sub-Editor: Why do you persist in coming here? I tell you we don't buy fiction. Author: Oh, 1 don't wish to sell any of my stories. lam writing a short serial entitled " The Ugliest Man on Earth," and came in merely to obtain local colour. , Millionaire: Tell mc, child, that young man who wants to marry you this Christmas, has he got any money? Miss Innocence: Money, father! Why, he has just given mc a cluster diamond ring studded with pearls. Millionaire: Yes, I know. Has he any money left? '- Miss Ethel (at the Christmas party): Mr. Brown, I understand you are a great botanist? Brown (modestly): I do knotf something about botany. Miss Ethel: Well, do come here and tell mc i the natural order of this curious plant lam standing under. (It was mistletoe. Brown came and understood.) He was explaining how be came jko be in the camp kitchen. " Fm a plumber," he said, " and when I did a trade test I was told to solder a joint. I did it all right, and my papers were marked ' Joint well done.' " And, blimey, the next thing I knew I was ordered to France as a first-class cook." Mrs. Carter's maid had been married three months, and she was visiting at her former mistress' house. "Well, Emma," asked Mrs Carter, "how do you like being married?" "Oh, it's fine, ma'am, getting married; yes'm it's fine,'' replied Emma. "But. lor', ma'am," she added, "ain't it tedious?" "I would give a thousand pounds to have a little boy like you as my own," said an elderly lady to Tommy. "That's a rare lot of money, isn't it, ma'am?" queried Tommy, with "wide-open eyes. "Not for mc." smiled the lady, "because T've got lots of money and no little children." I "Mother wouldn't let you have m c for good." said Tommy slowly, but with conviction, "but—but you may hold my hand for sixpence!" ! THE NEW STRIPES. ! It was the first time his young lady , had seen him in khaki, so, naturally, she thoroughly looked him over. Alas! I she spotted some beer stains on his I tunic, and as she pointed to them she , asked: "'What are those marks on your tunic?" "Those," he answered, as he 'turned his head to smile, "are my can- ; teen stripes." I HIS FAVOURITE HYMN. i In a homely chat on favourite hymns the son and heir said he liked that one I best "where the little Jew boy stole the [old gentleman's watch." The hymnal !index was useless here, and the reference |took some searching for. Here it is— j familiar to all: — I " The old man. meek and mild, i The priest of Israel slept; His watch the Temple child, I The Itulo Levlte. kept." OLD-FASHIONED SPEED. j In Montana a railway bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was necessary |to replace it. The bridge engineer and | his staff v. ere ordered in haste to the ! place. Two days later came the euperin- | tendent of the division. Alighting from i his private car, he encountered the oldj master bridge-builder. " Bill," said the superintendent—and the words quivered with energy—" I I want this job rushed. Every hour's dei lay costs the company money. Have ! yon got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?" I " T don't know," said the bridge- ! builder. " whether the Engineer has the j picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge I is up, and the trains is passing over it."