MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVIII, Issue 299, 15 December 1917, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

_ He (with a tiny one): Do you like noustaches? She: I don't know. I .ever come in contact with them. "What, time did my wife. Bay she would fe. here 1" "An hour ago, sir."- "Dear mc! [!nv, early! ■'• Spike Tuff: Mc fodder, knew a month before-- his death when he would die, Jim: Who. told him? Spike Tuff:: The judge. Did you : have the, eight-hour system on the farm where you, worked? —Yes; we worked' eight hours in the fprenoon and sight hours in the afternoon. "He'll make a good husband' for somejody," said the, young woman; grayely, 'My dear girl," said the grass, widow, 'I'd: have-you understand that, good huslanda. are- made, not horn." "Could: yon— mc a. blonde hair ;o put on: my coat, Miss Rose T"' said the :_significantrlbo_ing.-little man. "My wife tas- somehow., got the- Mea that, other ivomen are- indifferent to mc." "Pa, what, does it mean, when it says :hafc a. man, has: arrived; at yeans ofi diayetion?" "It. means, my son, that's, he ;oo,young tp _jp and too old to have any :un." A SURE SIGN. " Jane, ha* Master Percy, come home from school, yet?" a, lady called: down the- stairs, to the girl in the kitchen. 'Tfesi ma'am!"'came back the answer. "Where is. he?' 1, "■_ haven't, seen, him." "How do you. know.,, then, that he's florae-?"' "Because the, cat's, a-hidin'' under the dresser.!" MURPH. AT SEA. Mnrphy, was= making' his first trip wrocs the Atlantic,, and, he- felt unspeakibly awful; He failod; to. connect the fact if:' his being, on the briny ocean for the irst time with, his- agony. The. doctor :ame- to him as he tossed about in his terth. "Cheer, up,, man," he, said heartily. T. know youfre feeling- rotten,, but ypufr'e tot: going* to. die." Murphy opened: hor.:ifiod' eyefc "Not going- to die"- he wailed, _f_i_h_ doctor I thought . wn*l Thi»t vac the only, thing that kept mc alive." WELL. MEANT: A man, somewhat addicted: to. drink. >wned; a, v,ery.- fine eight-day clock.. When emoving he did not like to trust the dock to- tho. tender mercies of the. renoval contractor,, and so set out to carry, t from- his old: abode to his. new resilonce. When, staggering along the street vith the clock closely clasped in his inns lie met another man somewhat the vor.se foe drink, who remarked, "Look lore, old chap, I think you might afford .o buy- yourself _ watch-": A GOOD. SHOT; An unstable patron of the gay place* vac tacking- his- way nor til ward recently »heq he came upon the telescope man: »bo lets- yon: look at the- stars for si_jenee. The bibulous one- looked at - the elescope in amazement. "'*S_-a-g_n! J '' le said, thickly. He put his fingers to lis ears, and watched. Presently a ahootng star fell from the sky. The happy mc smiled broadly, took his flngens from lis ears, andi patted the telescope man. ' 'Sh a good shot; old boy!" he said, and wobbled on. HARD TO QUIT. He was the owner of a well-known >rand of motor-car, famous for its cbeapiess, but, alas! he was by no means satisfied with its behaviour; therefore, )eing unable to find a purchaser for it, te put a notice in the paper to the effect ;hat it would, be outside his front door it six o'clock on the following evening, md anyone who chose to drive it away :ould have it. The next day, when the tppointed honr drew near, he peered cautiously out from behind the blinds bo see—six others of similar kind neatly ranged up alongside of his own. SILENT CONTEMPT. A certain man whose previous record was of the best was charged with a ninor offence. Law and evidence were unquestionably on the side of the de'ence, but when the arguments had been included a verdict of "guilty" was given rad a fine imposed. The lawyer for the lefence was sitting with his. hack toward he magistrate. Without changing his losition or rising to address the Court, le remarked: "Judge, please fine mc for •outempt of Court." The magistrate injuired: "What d'ye mean, sir? You iaven't committed contempt." "I have," :ame from the old lawyer. "It's silent." DO.TT TROUBLE. A countryman on a visit to London found he had lost his tie pin. Fortunately fie had a friend at the police station, so he went and told him of his loss. The friend assured him he would not leave a stone unturned until the tie pin had been found. When the got back to his lodgings He discovered the pin on his dressing table, and immediately started off to the police station again. As he wended his way along one of the principal streets he saw some workmen pulling up the roadway to lay some new gas pipes. " Don't trouble to take up any more, my lads," he. cried. "I found the pin." AN EYE TO THE FUTURE. Tho old millionaire and his beautiful bride, a,fter their quiet wedding, had • itiiet wedding breakfast a deux. Astrakhan caviar, eggs pompadour, a, truffled shicken, fresh Californian peas, champagne—so the quiet breakfast, ra,n. "My iear," said the old millionaire, as the Fruit course, a superb melon, came on, 'tell mc, dear"—and he laid his withered band on her young one—"do you love mc tor what I am or for what I was?" Tho jeautiful girl ejnilecl down, from the winlow the admiring eyes of a young nan who was passing; then she bent her :lear, considering gaze on the grey ruin opposite, and replied: "I love you. Gleorge, for what you will be." NOT TO BE OUTDONE. On the train the other day (remarks the "Washington Star") a private sat with his tunic unbuttoned, for the temperature was high. A sergeant strode up to hhn and said:-— "Button up that tunic! Did yon never hear of Bylaw 217,. Subsection D? I'm Sergeant J_bez Winterbottom! "■ A gentleman in the scat behind tapped the sergeant sternly on the shoulder. "How dare you issue orders with a pipe in your mouth?" he asked. "Go home and read Paragraph 174, Section M, Part IX. I am Major Eustace Carroll." Here a gentleman with a drooping white moustache interposed from the other side of the aisle-.— "If Major Carroll," he said coldly, "will consult Bylaw 31 of Section X, he will learn that to reprimand a sergeant in the presence of a private is aa offence not likely to be overlooked."