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Auckland Star, Volume XLVIII, Issue 36, 10 February 1917, Page 14

The Duke of Wellington hated tobacco. He issued in the early Ws an army ■order which read: "The oommander-in-chief hae been Informed that the mHfce of smoking, by the use of pipea, dgara. or cheroots, hire become prevalent among the officers of the army, which is not pnly in itself a species of Intoxication occasioned by the fumes of tobacco but undoubtedly occasions drfcddmr and ttoJlinjr by those who aopUra Uβ haML-

Will HTTTt LOVED HIM. "Ernest is awfully frank." "Do you lor* him because he is frank?" "No; because he m Ernest.* , THB liAWTEKTS "OASE." "The most outrageous show I ever had of getting a fee," said the lawyer, "was when a client came to mc with no other aeeet tboa a watch without any works in it" "I suppose you took the case," was the rejoinder. THE INEVITABLE. Magistrate: "You say the man died a natural death?" Witness: "Yes, your Worship." Magistrate: "But I thought he was ehotr Witness: he was, but he was practising on the trombone at the time." EMPTY COMFORT. The childless parson eought to cheer the parent of an overflowing household. "My man, you must learn to be contented," he said. "Mouths are never sent without bread to fill them." "Maybe you are right," said the parishioner, "but the mouths are all sent to our house and the bread to yours." HXS TROUBLE. \The pnyslclan had been called in haste to see a small negro who was UL After a brief examination the doctor announced: "ThJB boy has eaten too much watermelon." "Oh, doctah," expostulated the parent of the ailing one, "dey ain't no eich ting ac too much watahmillion. Dat boy jui* ain't got 'nough stomach." THK OLAIRVOYANTE'S DILEMMA. | The beautiful lady interviewed a for-tune-teller on the usual subjects- ■ Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands and the courts of the .iinge and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marry the man of your choice. ile will be tall and dark and aristocraticlooking." "And young?" interrupted :he lady. **Yeß, and very rich." The leautiful lady grasped the fortuneteUer*e hands and preeeed them hard. 'Tuank you," she said. "Now tell mc one thing mire. How shall I get rid of my present uu&band?" WHAT THE STORY SHOWS. A visitor to a Sunday school was asked to address a few remarks to the children. He took the familiar theme of : the children who mocked Elisha on hie ; journey to Bethel —how the young ones taunted the prophet, and how they were punished when two. ehe-bears came out of the wood and ate forty and two of them. "And now, children," aaid he, "what does this story show?" "Pleaee, sir," came from a little girl in the front row,' "it shows how many children two she-bears can hold." KNEW THE FEELING. A humane society had secured a showwindow and filled it with attractive pictures of wild animals in their native haunts. A placard in the middle of the exhibition read:— "We are skinned to provide women with fashionbale furs." A man paused before the window, and hie harassed expression for a moment gave place to one of sympathy. *1 know juet how you feel, old chape," he muttered. "So was I!"

WHAT NEXT? ( Caller: "Nellie, is your mother tar Nellie. TNo; mother is out ghamri»»« Caller: "When wiU she retarnr* Nellie (loudly): "Mother, what it.li aay bowP "^"« A MEAN ADVANTAO* "I bear that Laura's engtfcneat to the young minister is off." - "Why, yes; she told mc. Hβ iv a* rikly jealmie and ao unfair.* , "In what way was he unfairl" "Every time ehe wool*' mat* w engagement to go motoring with «■) other man he would pray for raia." THR COMPLETE ABTJBT. A mother, finding her nnaU ehM > gaged with pencil and paper, enmtfr lated her on the industry PThiMfaJ inquired the subject of the sketch. "I'm di awing God," was the reply, "Oh, but," said the mother, rattr. "you can't do that; you know. Wβ bom of us know what God is like." "You will," remarked the little ■» eon, "when I've finished* this." ■ A HOPELESS CAS*. The proud mother was •towing off hn con t* a neighbour. "Hα g> owe more Wee his HUm m> day," ehe said. ? . The neighbour, being a man ani aw of the father's former pals, did mtt •> pand with appreciation. ■ "Dear mc," he said. "Aβ* km m tried everythingT" BRIDGETS IMPREBSIom Bridget waa imported fresa mm>where in Ireland to do for t middle-class household. Her aiitras suggested to her the propriety of Mat ! ing a postcard to h«r relatives with ans of her safe arrival b«d aneannot o* Jμ* welfare. Bridget did so, and-added tar following brief impression «f h*r mr environment] —"I came here tn a as without a - hone; they play the piam with their feet; and they shout U people in the hall that aren't then." NEWS TO HER. . . A travelling man on* nigfct fouaa Msv self obliged to remain in a small ton «| account of a washout on the nSttmi caused by the heavy rain, whkfc m still coming down in torrents. The tn« veiling man turned to linj ■■111— sils( "This certainly looks like tfct loci," ' "The what?" "The flood. YouNe read s*Ml fe Flood, and the Ark landing em Urn* : Ararat, surely." "Gee, mieter," ••• retnmem, 1 itt| eeen a paper for three daym." THB SMART BCUNTBt' The scienttat had gtm a wry hMUi lecture, and at the end he eald, beniiaf down on his audience condescending^:— "Now, if there's any scientifle qwitfea that any of my friends would like to I beg them not to hesitate. I shall bs only too happy to answer any if&T, in my power." An old lady in spectacles that gmw M a severe, stern look rose and raia!— "Why do wet tea4eave kill etek> roaches T" The scientist did not know wet Maleaves did anything of the kind, m*a less the cause of the phenomenon; Mb never at a loss, he replied:— "Because, madam, when a eodboael ootnee across a wet tea-leaf, he "J% 'Halloa, here's a blanket,' and wimje hist self up in it, catches cold, and diet,* <+-.