«merrier Moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 180, 29 July 1916, Page 16

«merrier Moments.

"Pa," asked Willie, "where did the moths live before Adam and Eve wore clothes?" "It takes two to make a quarrel." "Yes, and very often it takes a jury to settle it." "I understand your daughter is learning to cook." "Yes, she's learning, but she says she hopes it will be a trade she'll never have to work at." NO ESCAPE. Bromide: I suppose you were at the wedding yesterday? Father" of the Bride: Heavens! yes. Physically, mentally, spirituously and financially! HER LAST OFFENCE. 'i hate children," said Gladys. "You were one yourself," retorted Mamma. "I know," replied Gladys. "But it will be the last time." NO PREMATURE PEACE. . "Little boy, little boy, you shouldti't fight that way." "Hold off with your peace talk, lady. One more punch on the nose from mc and I'll have this kid ready to listen to you."

"TAR AND FEATHERS." HEIEN THE FIGHT STARTED. "I don't 6ee why youore so down on Jones." "He oncis tried to rob mc of my reputation." "You shouldn't ihave stopped him." UNPREPAREDNESB. Stranger: Young . man, have you stopped to think where you will go when you die? Sunday Golfer: No; why, I haven't even thought of where to' go for my summer holidays. A POOR SUPPLY. Touching on the subject of "how Noah spent his time in the ark, a lady teacher ventured the opinion that he did some fishing. The Bright Child joined in the conversation, saying, "He couldn't do much ■fishing with only two worms." SHE SENT HIM HOME. Tramp: Dear lady, unless I get a bite of something at once I ehall soon be dead. Lady: Poor nun! You are homeless, are you? Tramp: Oh, no, mum. Heaven is ay (home. lady: Here is twopence for some bread and—er—try to get borne as soon as possible." EITY THE POOR BURGLAB. "A burglar got into my house about three o'clock this morning, when I was on my way home from the club/ - said Jones. "Did he get anything?" asked Bluffer. "1 should say he did get something," replied Jones. "The poor beggar Is in the hospital. My wife thought it was mc." A WRINKLE FOR LOVERS. "If I were you I would not have 'George to his dearest Alice' engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use tbe ring again." "What would you suggest?" "I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love.' You see, with that inscription, you can use the rim '* v a dozen times."

HOLLAND AND THE WAR.

"I just happened to tifiiiilc- , "I thought I heard something tattle, 1 ' Though they had • never met b4, What cause had she 2 cafe? - She loved 'him 10-derly beeauie,He was a 1,000,000-aire. "Can anyone gjve mc the name of I town in France?" asked the teacher. "Somewhere," shouted Srowt. whose father had read to him the officii! reports.'- ' '•'.';. A USEFUL .EYE: _ \ "Nolan," said the officer, "you are lot properly dressed. Why is your art—e_l eye not in its proper .placet" < .'y "Sure, 6ir," replied Nolan, "I left A' in my bos to keep an eye d_ iaj Xt, : while I'm oh parade." I "- VbyX-THEU ':■ "Casey," said Pat* "ho - do" 'jfi'.'tiß'.. th' age of a fowl?" "Oi can always tell by-theyttiift,* said Casey. _, - y .yy ■•►?'■ V... "By the teeth!" exclaimed Pat. "Bit a fowl has no teeth;'''- * • y- : P',' •'••*. "Xo," admitted Casey, ,f hiit Oi hm* COMPARISONS. Crawford: "Do you thi__ taeyll irtt drive Villa out of tile aouHtaiM at Mexico!" Crabshaw: "He seems to be about ia safe as if he'd committed a tturier ii New York, and the detectivei wwafttt him:" A COMMANDING WOMAN V It was at an evening party, and Dodgs asked Keller—'Who is that 'impriaW«*'y looking woman over there?" "That's Mrs. Moore," was thejreprjt "She's a remarkably strong-minded.wo-man. It is said she commands a !•!_• salary." .: y-y y'* y "Indeed," said Dodge, reflectiwly).*•; ■ he looked at the woman with intertiv "How does she earn itf' ._ <'■&■-■' . "She don't earn it," said Keller; ,**|* husband earns it, and she comai-di it* ROUGH ON DAD. ;..,._'* Frank's mother took him to a ing performance one aftenie<)ar(aßd;tk* small boy was much impressed wonders he saw; That evening *&*¥ ■ tea he.said: . _ y.^.. ft "Father, I wish I was a rtMiriiii... "Do you-sonny," said bikfaij& ) J'i» a smile. "If you were one, what ***» you do?" * "•':. ; '.:',. t . "Well," said thie boy, 5 '&bWWi "Pd turn you into a rat, and?*Ml V* cat, and wouldn't I have arlarE!" ; ■. '' IfiE REPORTER.Siic#di& ]: Buttonholed by in ottetjiig'iMyf journalist, a British Cabinet - SO*****' administered a neat rebuke. y' *•■]. • "How long do you think the f*&£ last?" was the final question of-*.■"*..' series asked by the intemewer.*' ~>..^, Very promptly the Mariatfr'n*** •' "How long is a piece of string? l .:. The interviewer stared."at *hjj « astonishment. dbß't &&*>, ■*.-. gasped. y. . i "Neither do I," said tie MauriM*; dially. "Pin glad weVe agreed a**",something. Gobd morning" ■ GETTING IT- ALU , ••',* .- . The doctor told him he.-BrtMy^Jr.. bohydrates, proteids, -and; yaUWe..-**' . something nitrogenous. The tioned a long list of foods ***!*•• eat. He staggered ottt and wobwfa ■»;•" a restaurant. i- • ; -.':._^' "How about beefsteak?" Va "Mf*" waiter. "Is that nitrogMJ*™ - ; The waiter didnt know. ' -; " Are fried potatoee rich in **&**■ dratea or not?" The waiter couldn't say. 4i_r "Well, I'll fig it." declared *" ££■ man in despair. "Bring. - -** ■*WP^^'' : of hashi" - 'yy^-: