Merrier Moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 156, 1 July 1916, Page 16

Merrier Moment s.

FOE THE DEFENCE. -Yonr hospital ship," the pirate -whines, "Was certainly sunk by English somes. H>h in the ringing a gun was eeen _ Which, fired at~our poor little submarine. And if you prove there wasn't a gun, The funnel most certainly looked like one." FRENCH MADE EASI" Tommy (to Jock on leave): What about the lingo? Suppose you want an e<rcr over there, what do you say. °Jock: "Ye juist say "Oof." Tommy: But guppose you want two. Jock: 'Ye say "Two oofs." anl the silly auld fule wife gies ye three, and ye jtnst gie her back one. Man, it's an awfa easy language. MORE VARIETY. Old Captain Bowline usually spends his time pottering about in a little sail-ing-boat Recently he was chatting witn a friend on the subject of his hobby. "I think 111 get a motor-boat nest summer." said he. ~,.,., «j "Whatever for?" asked his mend. J. thought you were so keen on sailing? "Well, "i am, but motor-boats are macn more exciting," replied the hardy old chap. '"In a sailing-boat yon can only drown, while in the other you can be drowned, burned to a cinder by a petrol explosion, or even starved to death v your engine breaks do-am ten miles irom land." SOON SOLVED. The other day an Irishman approached a Bentry who was stationed at a magazine at a gate with strict orders to admit no one. Sentry: Halt! Pat: Faith, an' what am I to nalt for? "No one allowed in there." '•But. bejabbers, an' I must go. TVe a. ■ note for his 'anner the kurrnel." ■ I '-No one allowed to go in there with- > out a pass." ■ "But I tell ye I must go in. Sure Mr. > Annerson himself sent mc," "Can't help who sent you; you can't 1 go in." > "Well, then, you gimme the gun, an • tou take the "note, and we'll manage 5 foinly."

"TOO PROUD TO FIGHT," But takes a friendly tonr into Mexico.' IMAGINATION. Blenkinsop slept; in a haunted house. About 1 o'clock in the morning he awoke with the knowledge that the flickering gas-jet was filling the room with weird shadows, and that a blast of cold air was sweeping through the room. It was uncanny; but tiere was 'worse to come. G-lancing at the foot of the ■bed, lie saw the dim outline of a iiand on the bediail. Even his iron courage failed. Grasping a revolver he had provided in case of accident, he pointed it at the hand. "Whatever ghost you may be," he quavered, '"take your -hand from the bedrail or I fiTe!" ! There was no reply, and no movement ; of the hand. Only the -wind howled in j the trees outside. Tien bang! bang! went the pistoL And that is why Blenkinsop limps. He shot off two of his own toes. A BOOMERANG DOG. While travelling in Scotland, an American saw a very fine shepherd dog, and tried to induce his owner to sell him. I "Wad ye be takin' him to America!" I inquired the Scot, '■Yes, indeed," replied the American. "I thought as muckle," said the old man. "I couldna pairt wi' Nero." While they were talking, an English tourist came along, and the owner sold the dog to him for less than the American had offered. "You told mc you ■wouldn't sell that dog," said the latter, after the purchaser had departed with the collie. "Na, na," said the &ot; "I said 1 coldna pairt wi' him. Xero'U be back in a day or twa, but he couldna swim the Atlantic" SEEING THINGS. Once I saw, Tombed in * shard of liquid golden amber, A cruel epider and a ally fly And a wise ant, quite close together. —Allan Dpdegraff, in "lippincottfs." Once I saw, As I held three deuces «t a St<3e green table, A king foil, and. a. ftoah, And a straight, and tkey toid mc to stay out tni I had something. — Free Press." Once I saw, Calmly drinking at lie bar together, A Britain, a German, a Frenchman, And a Herzegovinian from Setajevo. I called the police. "St. Louis Post Dispatch." Once I saw, As I lay a wreck on a pile of unpaid bills All the men wno owed mc money Standing in line waiting to pay me— Then I woke up. —"Sew York Jedze,*

THE POTCrUEED STEED. Private Yeomans: Wonder wotfr . Ton" with, the bally 'oss? 'E went erf U right, an , now ! e won't move. Small Boy (pointing to the fid yon. touch 'im with them things? Private Yeomans: Course I did. 'E—• Small Boy (interrupting): 17s pan©, nred. grrv'nor—that's what's wrons rith 'fan. WHY ~SOT! Jrmmie giggled when the teacher ie*i he story oi"the man who swam acroei he Tiber three times before breakfast "You do not doubt that a trained Trimmer could do that, do you?" "Xo, sir," answered Jimmie, "bTrt I ronder why he did net make it four and ;et back to the side where his clothe irere." ■prrßATtT.lv The admiration which Bob felt for' his- .' ?itmt Margaret included all her atttijutes. "I doirt care much for plain teeth Eke Eine, Aunt MaTgaxet," said Bob, one day. after a long silence, during which he had watched her in laughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I tad some copper-toed ones like yours." POETRY BEATS PROSE. "Mary bad a little lamb," began tbe poet.. "1 once knew a ■woman who craned 30,000 head of live stock," interposed tie other fellow. "And vet this great cattle queen never got half "the advertising that Mary received through the ownership-of one lamb." REAL WAB. ECONOMY. Farmer (who has juet returned from a visit to town): Talk about economy, there ain't no signs of it oop i' Lunnon. Why, I went to a place for dinner and there was white napkins to wipe /oar fingers on, bnt I let 'em see what a waste it was, so I didn't use 'un. Daughter: But what did you wipe your fingers on, father? Farmer: Why, on f tablecloth. -i J BITTER REFLECTIONS. Grocer: "My best butter i≤ 1/6 a' pound, miss!" "Bnt, :, said Betty, "this butter is bit-;-ter. If I put this bitter butter in my j batter it will make my butter bitter." So Betty Botter bought a better bit of I butter and put the better bit of butter jr. her batter, and the better bit of butter made better batter than would the bitter bit of butter. A BUSINESS PROPOSITION , . He had thrown up a good business to | join the arnw, and there were several ■ •.;.. s&ots in the locker at home. Put on sen- I try over some stores one dark and drizzly night after a long march, he had much trouble to fight off , the; drowsiness that would steal over iim as the hours. of r|a.rVnp=a wore on, "Beg your pardon, sir," he mumbled, ' ■when the officer on visiting rounds *]£J3| proaehed his post. "How much axe theaj' || stores worth?" "Oh, aboai three -hira&ed pounds ■'■: Why?" "Well, if I Ttrite you a cheque for the 8 lot, can I go to sleep?" THE ASTDTE LA.WYEK. Once Trpon a time a well-known advo-.: cste, ilr. Byles, before he hecaane a judge, 'was for tie defendant in aa action for breach of promise of marriage. The plaintiff proved the promise to marry, and tne defendant had married j someone else. The case seemed a , question of damages, but Byles pnt two questions to the plaintiff:— ''Did not he promise to marry you■■•.■'■' I when ids father was dead?" "Ye 3." "Is his father dead?" -Xβ"That is my case, bit lord," said Byles. "But, brother Byles," said the judge, "3ie has married someone else." "WelL my lord,-' said Byles, "his wife I may die before hi father or afterwards, and he may outlive "them both, when, it , will be time to fulfil the promise." The plaintiff had, in fact, alleged ia : her pleadings an absolute promise, andthe proof of a conditional promise ni / what was called a fatal variance wiich | could not be amended.

A KMART BOY. The Marquess of Bute is one of the wealthiest members of the peerage. Hβ is a first-rate, all-round sportsman, and fond of a good story. He tells an amusing vara about a certain clergyman who asked a small boy: s "Who is that elderly gentleman I hay* seen you in church with?" "Grandpa," was the reply. "Well," said the clergyman, "if yoa trifl promise to keep 'him awake during the sermon I will give you a penny a weekThe boy agreed, and for the next few Sundays the old grandfather was made to hear *■>»«> sermon. The clergyman -a ' aa delighted at the success of his little scheme, and handed over the weekly penny according to the contractOne Sunday, however, the old gentleman went to sleep as before. Very muel> vexed, the clergyman accosted the boy ** tie end of the service. "I am very angry with you," he said"Your grandfather was asleep as usual during the sermon to-day. I shall cerj tainly not give you a penny this week. "It doesn't matter," replied the boy, coolly; "grandpa gives mc twopence ne* to distort) him!"