HUMOROUS WAR STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 30, 4 February 1916, Page 7

HUMOROUS WAR STORIES.

Amid the daily tragedies of the trenches the British Boldier find* time for the circulation of grimly humorous storios. One of the best of "these etowes concerns the practice of getting up HWcops in the trenches. The names of the men in a particular trench are placed in a hat, ami the man who draws the name «f the soldier who has the misfortune to get wounded first wins the sweep.

After one of these sweeps had been :rot up in a British trench the firing from the Gorman trcncli opposite became somcivjiat brisk, and an anxious voice was heard calling down the British trench to a "pal," "Are you all right. Tom?" "Yes, I'm all right, 8i11, , ' responded Tom. At frequent intervals Bill revealed his anxiety concerning Tom's welfare by calling out to know •if he was all right. At length Tom became touched -with eueh evidence of Bill's regard for him, and he called out, "It's very good of you. Bill; but don't you get worrying yourself about my safety, 1 can look after myself." "I ain't worrying about your safety," exclaimed Bill indignantly. "I've drawn you in the sweep." .

Another story, in which the humour depends on the note of exaggeration, concerns the capture of fouT German prisoners. A British Tommy was placed in charge of them and told to take them to a certain point in the rear ot tho lines where prisoners wore being collected. When the Tommy reached his destination he had only three prisoners dn his charge instead of the four he set out with. When asked what had 'bcrome of the missing prisoner, he explained, "Well, it was tliie way, sir. Hβ wue a mairied man, and I'm a married man; and he got talking about his wife, and I got talking about my wife; and he'd got krtddies' and I'd got kiddies, and wo talked about them; and then we got on to our 'onics, and we talked about them, and he made mc so •bloomin' miserable that I shot the blighter."

All the talk about the thousands of war iba-bies which were to make their appearance as the result of illicit relations between single girls and soldiers billeted in various English towns, while undergoing training to fit them for foreign service, has died down, as time has ridiculed the alarming statements made ■on the subject. The following story, which concerns war babies of another kind, shows the sarcastic spirit whidi the British Tommy entertains towards tho young men in their teens who have been granted commiasione, and have been placed in authority over Mm. TwoTommies, 'belonging to a fcattalion to which were attached some of the most youthful subalterns in "Kitchener's Armies," were returning in a state of ■happy intoxication to their camp at night. As they passed fclie officers' quarters one warned the other not to make co much noise. "Don't make a row, Bill—pull youreelf together."

"What for?" asked Bin. "Can't a feller sing if he wants to."

"Not 'ere, you bloomin' idiot," replied the other. "You'll wake,the war babies."

The following story was told at a Royal Army 'Medical Oorps mem. The narrator was travelling down to Winchester in a carriage into which several Tommies had got, and overheard the following fragment:—"Our major Vβ an officer and a gentlema-n; an officer and a gentleman. The other day he comes into the canteen, and, save he 'W complaints?' And I says", 'Yes Sir! Beg your pardon, Sir, this tea ain't fit to drink. So he says to the bloke who'd served us 'Give us a cup.' And when Iμ d tasted it, "Qg-waeh, , says he, "Ogwash, and ho save to the Woke, 'Line these men up,' and when he'd done that Iμ saya, 'And novr give them back their tuppences.' And I'd never paid mine!"