RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 7, 8 January 1916, Page 17

RANDOM SHOTS

Some write a neighbour's to lash. Some write to please the country class Aud raise a din; For mc, an aim I never fash, j I write for fnn. 1 German newspapers are gleeful over the introduction of compulsory military service in Great Britain. The action appeals to their somewhat primitive sense of humour as being queerly illogical. " Look," they exclaim, "at those enk (angular, faddy) Enklish, professing to destroy militarism in Germany, while they adopt it themselves!" Well, it may not be logical, but it is too deadly earnest to be laughable. The world is, not ruled by logic, and this war is not going to be won b3' logic. We must fight fire with fire, or, as an old Scotch saying has.it, we must ''ha'e as much o' the de'il in us as will keep the de'il off us." And when all is said and done, tho British system is not " militarism"; it is I not even " conscription " in the German {sense; it is merely the application of a little compulsion to a minority of young men who, while doubtless clamouring for voluntaryism or free-will, mean only thn freedom to be a law unto themselves when it comes to rendering the State that form of service which is most essential to national life. In a former century the remedy was the " press-gang," and nobody ventured to say that the compulsion was not justifiable, or that it was a departure from the principles of the nation. Necessity knows no law; but it is all the more shame to the able-bodied shirkers who have to be coerced into doing their duty. I am still hopeful that their number, both here and at Home, will yet be so reduced as to be entirely negligible—save, perhaps, for some such measure as would I expose the vile residuum to the public contempt they deserve. 4i£*ii±£i* On the subject of shirkers I have r«ceoved the following note, signed Inquisitive": — "Dear ZamleJ.— What do .you call the man "•no early in the war enlisted to avoid roliir on active service'/ All the girls smiled on him; the oldsters shook him hy the Handhis bosses were proud of him. Still he never weut.Then came, the Defence Department* appeal to <.ban K e from "private secretary ° n A ß i t ° r .u," J I \ Prlnlo Tommy Atkins, and he Is t.Mll wltb us. I wonder how many have workei this Idea , . , Again, I ask for a name? "Zaraiel" makes no pretence to be a ' word-coiner—believ.ng as he docs, with "Pro Bone Publico," that the "English language i» copious euough for all requirements, A phrase might be borrowed from the *merlcans, and the persons referred to might be called "wise guvs."' i They are not really shirkers, so W as they are doing the country's work. "They also serve who only stand and wait." If these men-in-waiting are wanted at the front, nothing is easier than for the Government to send them, s ±iiiiiii±i In the matter of word-coining, my readers must have observed that the , war has been quite prolific in producing new forms of speech. They probab.V , read the other day what the "Jfew York 1 Tribune had said "in wellwishinn- the r Allies." That horrible verb is notVcesjEanly the invention of an American r I journalist; more likely it is the cublc- ( contraction of somebody in London and !( a >ew Zealand journalist i a to blame j for not transliterating the message Th/> . J war cables have also been springing upon , tiie public some weirdly new things in the \\a.y of countries and nationalities. I-or example', they have told us of rail-j { way communication with "Turco-Bul-I Iguria" being restored; of our ""troops ; fighting "Turco-Gcrmans" on -Gallipoli, j and of certain achievements by "AngloFrench" warships. Now, everybody knows, or should know, that there"is no such place as Tureo-Bulgaria, no such s mixed race as Turco-Germans, and no , Anglo-French warships. Perhaps most , readers would know what was meant by these new and picturesque hyphenated ) words; but why should an ignoramus be , nonplussed, and why" should a purist have to grind his teeth, because some . sub-editor has not put down plainly that railway travel is now possible to Turkey . ana Bulgaria, that Germane and Turks , were fighting against us, and that British and French warships did so and so? For, of course, the-hyphenated words are cable contractions. My only theory for the slipshoddiness (there I go, doing the very thing I am condemning!) is that the ■ sub-editors have all gone to the front, leaving novices to craw fat salaries for ; being taught their business, just like the fair typistes in the Public Trust Office. Well, I suppose we shall have- to put up with these and similar atrocities *in wartime. In my growl I must include that uncouth word "Anzac." We read of the glorious deeds of the Anzacs at Anzac; we are further informed that "Anzac" is a Turkish word, signifying honour or duty, or something abstract; and the bewildered reader, as often as not, must be left in a state- of complete bewilderment as to who or what Anzac is —person, place or thing. There is only one thing to he thankful for—we have not yet been told that a force of "EgyptoAnzacs" defeated the Senusei Arabs. But that barbarity may be sprung on us any day. The champion piece of idiocy so far is somebody's proposal that the new capital of Australia be called Anzae! Why on earth a poor city should be burdened with such a name as "AustraliaNew ZeaJand-Army-Corpa" is more than I can imagine. ±±**i*±±ii As the censor still keeps a firm thumb oh war newe, the correspondents are reduced to the expedient of sending strange and blood-curdling eiories about the health of kings and emperors. Peterof Serbia and Constantine of Greece, if we are to believe the- cables, are both in peril of death; Franz Josef of Austria! is in ,a deplorable condition, physically and morally; while Kaiser Wilhelm is suffering from cancer, rupture and a'malignant carbuncle. A carbuncle is no joke, but the idea of the All Highest being disabled by one somehow tickles my risibilities. I recall that one of Nathaniel-Ha-wthorne'e "Twice-Told Tales" was entitled 'The Great Carbuncle," and dealt with an exciting quest for a liinrin- ■ ous jewel of great value. Of cour.se, that iis not the sort of carbuncle that the /.Kaiser has got; it Iβ a malignant boil, : which is sure to cause much pain and j weakness, and may even prove fatal. iWhat if the fate of Europe should hang ; jupon a carbuncle 1

The sinking of the P. and 0. liner I Persia is a barbaTous act that must make it Impossible for the Allies to grant any peace terms to Germany and Austria—nothing 6hort of unconditional surrender and submission to whatever penalties the conquerors may impose. The London "Daily Graphic" has excusably been moved to demand that the penalties shall include the hanging of the Kaieer and Admiral yon Tirpitz. Talk of that kind \a all right while war is in progress, but it amounts to nothing. During the American Civil War the Northerners used to sing with great gusto, "We'll hang Jeff. Davis on a sourapple tree"; but ac a matter of fact, Jeff, lived long after the war was over and ultimately died inyhis bed. Should the Kaiser live till tne war is over, -t ie a thousand chances to one he would be coddled and tenderly treated iristead of being hanged. A more sensible suggestion than hanging is that for .the confiscation of enemy property .-throughout the British Empire as compensation for British subjects murdered by the Germans and Austrians. 4444444*44 ! As for what President Wilson will do about the Persia outrage, divination' is easy. He will write; he will protest; he J will gracefully accept apologies and dol- [ lars, and the incident will be closed. Already he is understood to be deep in the study of "The Polite Letter-Writer," 60 that he may use fitting phrases that will not hurt the feelings of the tenderhearted Emperors.