Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 50, 27 February 1915, Page 17

Merrier Moments

ELAT TITLES TBAVESTIED.

WTit « an army Hke a. newspaper?— Btcanse it hai* leaders, columns, and rerietfc. _ jlan warns but little here below— l * Tire giifc want even Ires: ?' ii bit of gain.e —low-neck —a slit— JC And that's their summer drees. Wife: "Please hurry up. Haven't you v trer buttone.l a drees behind before?" . Hubby: "N"o: yon iwvpr had a dre* ti Jiiat buttom-J before behind." DriH-fPrge:!iii !tn rivrnitl: I've told kom forty i,me6. >.vi must stand tip ac n straight <u« if you'd swallowed a ram- s ; tod. Instead of that, you -appear to have j, BWBlloweil .i dozen ecimitar* , . d The poor henijrhted Hindoo. v He docs the bftst bo kin do. He etick.- to his caete l jTom first- f> last, And for troueers he makes his ekin do. ? r KINSHIP. Jovial Briton leepying .1 member of the Ecotch G-nardl--">hakv "amis, ol' man—• .. shake 'ands. I'm half St-otob—other half .f-tic—soda wa-wr." —'"'London Opinion."' DECISIVE ARGUMENT. \ The Oracle —"Aiia! "Sou man depend Spon't that if th»> 'ere KaUrr is a'leadin' sf 'k troops "sself. then Jeadin' 'em "c is: $nt if "c aint—wy. then, "on- can v be?" •-•Sketch." " * c

"But you aren't tall enough.' , "VTell. can I go as a drummer boy!" Tm afraid yon're too old for that. "Well thenAiash it all' 111 go as a jnascot." —"Punch." CAXNOX FOOD. Customer —"Here, waiter. Where are the olives? Hold on. Bring mc half a sselon and a bowl of cracked ice." The Waiter (loudly) —"Dam-dnms, half ft bombebeU and a bowl of shrapnel.' , MEW FASHION. : <•• Willis: Where were you last ni^ht? GOlis: At a "neutral dinner." Waiis: Whafe that? Gillie: The latest. We had American beer, spaghetti, Spanish wine, and it war % Dutch treat.—New YoTk '•Puck.' , SOMETHING "MARTIAL." Wife (proud of her military broth'er-la-lasr. to husband): "Do you know Fred bar been recently promoted to fieldIBSjithal;" Husband: 'To field-maTshal. Impossible, dear." Wife i indignantly): ""Weil, if it's not a fifW-marfehal >he"s come to, it'n a courtmartial."' BANNED! 57ir i.prman band tihat used tn make The evenings hideous with Round lAlons our street when we did take Our constitutional around. Is i-ilent now: its di?ma4 blare No longer perturhatee the land. for no-.v in every thoroughfare The Germane banned. THE RUSSIAN KECB.LIT. ■ Tne following story, illustrating the Daturc of some of the material the Russian military authorities have to deal !ffith in the process of licking it into fightinir shape, is vouched for by the author of a book, recently published, that describes the formation and inner workings of the Russian Army. The β-uthor Hives it as characteristic of a great deal of the intelligence permeating the rank and file. An officer questioning a recent recruit esked the man:— "Su-ppose you -were on sentry duty in this town, and an uprising occurred Itvhat would you do?' , "Shoot,"' eaid the recruit. ""Tery good. But suppose your own fether and mother were in the crowd?" "Shoot them all down." "Splendid. But now suppose you were encamped in the field, and you found c. stray cow or calf: what wonld yon do?" " "Shoot them both down." "Nonsense! You should lead them bj tte horns to the Oeneralska" (wife ol the commanding general). There was a moment of pause. Anc tlien the officer questioned further: — "Suppose you were to meet your com Inanding general, what would you do? , "Shoot him down."' said tW Tecruit. "Better think again, , ' the officer can tioned. The recruit thought a moment, an< fhfn replied .proudly: — ''I should lpad him by the horns t< the Generalska."

A QUEER QUERY. j One of tlii? best stories of Scarborough -and it is authentic—comes from a vilage neaa- the coast, where the newe •rickled through during the day in varoiis forms. 'The Grand Hotel has been wrecked," aid orro of the villagers who is looked ip to as an authority. "ReaHy!" ea-id hin surprised aequainauce. "Was it torpedoed?" SOMETHING YHtOKU SOMEWHERE. William, like many another man before lira, had joined the Army by way of • honing his devotion to his country. He iad not yet learnt the meaning of strict Itecipline. and although he wore the jniform of hie regiment he fancied that ir -was just as much his own master in that as he was in civilian clothes. When "Light* out" sounded he inlifted on hie- comrades leaving the light burning. ••Now then, put that light out!" shouted an otlicer on i nspection. "H'm!" retorted wilful William. "And pray who are you:" "I'm the officer of the day." "Th-en what tlie dickens are you prowling about in the night-time for':" asked William. ROUGH ON" THE "ivN'UT." He vra* a "knut." young, zealous, and eager to "do his bit" for the country. It was a proud day when he received his commission in one of the regiments of Kitcheners army. With eagerness he hastened to the nearest military tailor's to be measured and fitted for his officer's uniform, but the overworked knight of the Scissors and thread could not take any more orders for a month. Other tailors were tried, but it was tie siimc story —impossible to undertake any further orders until those already on hand had been dealt with. Disappointed and disconsolate, the young officer wae wolk.ng down the street when he met a military friend, who asked him what was the matter. The trouble was duly explained. "Oh," said the friend, '"don't yon 1 will soon put that matter right. Come along with mc. Piloting tliv young officer to a theatrical costumier's, the friend explained thi- difficulty. "I will soon provide a uniform.' , said the costumier, and in a very short time the young officer was admiring himself in a brand-new khaki outfit, adorned with | imposing badges, and buttons. Reaching Aldershot. with his uniform covered by his great-coat, the youthful soldier entered the officers' mess and. taking off his coat, seated himself at on* oi the tables. His -fellow-officers stared at him in amazement. "Halloal'' eaic! one. "Been to a fancydress ball? Swanking it. aren't youl" And it was not until it was explained to the young officer that he was wearing a general's uniform that he became aware he had been "•jiiyed." and that the theatrical costumier was a practical joker. Owins to the censorship, we are not allowed to publish details of the hattk> iv the costumier's shop which ensued.

" A6ked when the war would be ovpr, r Lord Kitchener said hp could not tell. c "But." he continued, "I know it will 1 begin in May. , ' —News item. Bill: "Mem fiott —I mean Allah — pegin t in May. Yot does he tink we've been doing "up to now —playing marbles?" a —Sydney "Bulletin." l. IT WASN'T THE CHICKEN. " It was during manoeuvres that a soldier was beinp tried for shooting a ohirken on prohibited ground. c "Look iier?, my man,' , eaid the commanding officer "to the fanner who v brought the aoeueation. "arp you quite cprtain that this man shot your bird? Will you ewear to it:, J , "No, I won't do that." Teplied the (t canny farmer, -hut I will say he'e the man I suspect of doing it.' d 'That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the oilicpr, considerably nettled. '■ "What raised your suspicions " '" "Well, sir," replied the sturdy farmer, ■ as he slowly mopped his forehead with i- hi* fcandanna.. "I caw 'im on my property with a pun; then I heard the gun go off; id then I saw "im ptitt'ms the chicken into his knapsack; and it didn't eecra sensible x) somehow to think the bird committed suicide."'