Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLV, Issue 188, 8 August 1914, Page 15

Merrier Moments

"Reality's only skin deep.' , "Yes, anU lots of it isn't that deep."' "The hen must be a gloomy creature." "Wliy?" "Always brooding, you know." "AM these hooks came ashore with the tide. ""That was quite a flow of language." "He's donp a lot of reading." "Very cultured, eh?' , '"Oh. no. lie reads gas mcLere." ''Onr cook gives us tlie --amp tiling at pvp.ry meal.' , '"What does ehe give tmi?" "Indigestion." Not a wrinkle, little star. To give away how old you are. Tis well that folks can't piiess your age. Or what you look like off the stage. OXE TO THE BOSS. Bos.-: "Are you the boas in this olli«'.e':" Clerk (scared): N — N—no. sir." Boss: "Well, then don't act like a drivelling idiot." CHANt.K, CHANGE, CHANGE. "\Vnat a (hanje." exclaimed a novelist, "one little woman can make in a man's life.'] "Exactly," said a victim, "and what a heap of 'change' she requires while doing it!" TRUE UttE-ATKiES!'. "I see you have announced mc as the world-renowned orator," said the gifted speaker. "Yes," replied the chairman, "hnd to do something to make you seem im.porlant. 'Xobofiy around here ever ■heard of you." AN* EXCUSE THAT l>l DVT. The Mistrees: "And. Mary, we'll have that email piece of meat well." The New Maid: "Please'ni, the cafe ate it." T.he MUtresa: "Wiiat cat?' . The New Maid (■surprised) : "Oil, lawks! Ain't tliere a cat?" NOT GRANTED, One night, Tvlien her grandmother ■wari putting her to bed. three-year-old Olive said. "Orandma. every night.when I go to bed I ask Cod to make brother Fred a good boy." "That is right," said her grandmother. "But Up ain't done it yet," replied Olive, soberly.

THE MERRYTHOUGHT, s. She (anxious to put hiih at his ease) : "What a nice dance. Mr. Smith , . Your step exactly suits mine." He (so nervous) : ."I'm- so glad—l know I'm such a wretched dancer." IT WAS OBVIOUS. ~""~ "Now, my friends," said the candidate, maiking . another effort to arouse the enthusiasm of l»is ihearers. "what do we need in order to.carry this district the ingSfest majority in its history?" The response was immediate and enbhusiaetk'. "Another candidate!" yelled the audience. ESCAPED FROM IBISII PASTURES. OnUeman (riding on jaunting car, which is jusl passing a large mansion, to driver): "Who lives there, Pat?" "Ooh! shure, it's Mr O'Flaherty—but lie's dade." "And what did he die of, Part.?" '•Faith, thin, he died of a Tuesday," "And how 'long has lie 'been dead?" "Shure, yer honor, if he'd lived till to-morrow he'd have been dade a. fortI night."

''In ten years there'll be no liquor in this country." -; Great Ssott! Are they consuming it as fact as that?" "1 could have had any job in this town I Avanted. so f took my pick." ■'Oh, I see. And didn't you need jour shovel too.V" ''You're kinder to dumb animals than you arc to mc. your wife.". "Well, you try being dumb and see how kind I'll •be."

Wife: Can I disturb you a minute, dear? Husband: Sorry, but I haven't any lime. ■ Wife: Just a minute; the dressmaker is hen , with her bill. Husband: But, my dear child, I told you I havn't any time, and time, you know, is the same as money! "Ocean travel ie like the drama." "What d'ye mean ?" "Both -would be all right if they'd cut out the rough ■passages/ WHAT A WONDERFUL PLACE! Farmer Wurzcl (who has come up to London eight-seeing): "My,•'how silly of mc to forget to light my pipe before coming out."' . Little ilatohseller (breaking in upon his thoughts): "Lights, sirt" Farmer Wurzel (after taking a box, extracting a match, lighting his pipe, and then putting <back the box on the amazed boys tray): "Lor! What a wonderful place London is, to be cure." OF A PARTICULAR KIXD.' I "I wish you wouldn't try to sell an airship to niy husband," said a lady' caller to an aeronaut.- ' "Why not, madam, pray?" aeked the dealer. "Because he is not to.be entrusted with one," replied the -ivife. "But; madam, our .machines are all what -we call fool-proof," insisted the aeronaut. "Yes. ordinarily- perhaps," said the wife, *-but you haven't, met my husband." . " ■ * : STILL AT LARGE A Britisher, who had been visiting different parts of America, spoke to District Attorney Whitman with special fervour of a sight he had seen in a Western tftate. . ; ~ ;, .: ~,. •.*- . ;.*...: "I attended a.Sunday.sendee-for the inmates of the State prison," * said he, "and I learned that of the one hundred' and seventy-five persons now confined' there all but four voluntarily attended religious services held in the prison' chapel twice on each Sunday. That is a wonderful thing!" ". "It is," said Whitman,' thoughtfully. '•I am sorry to say that it is not ed With us. But then," he. added, eoberly, "ia New York,' you ccc, most of ' the respectable people do not some to prison."

KNOTTY PROBLEMS. "Pa," said little Bobby, who. had bete allowed to sit up a while after, supper with the understanding that he was to ask no foolish questions. "Caff you £9 everything?" .' . "Yes." "Can you make a two-foot- rule with only one end to it?" >r . . "Shut up and let your pa read a litite." A short silence and again Bobby piped in. "Can you make the clock strikes less than one,.pat". "One more question like thai," said hit father, "and off to bed you go." Another short eilence, and once more Bobbie chimed in. "Pa, can a camel go ten daye-without water?" "Yes, boy." ""Well, how many days can he-go if he had water?' . The sound of a hurripel shnffling was immediately heard, and Bobby wxq landed into.bed in two minutes.