merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLV, Issue 128, 30 May 1914, Page 15

merrier moments

She no rejpcted suitor): ".M he a sister to you. Alphouse." He fbri-kivi: "All right. Gome kiss your brother." _S* .VrtLt: "You are the first "ill I ■fim loved." Tin- Modpl: "Don't worry: . efVe no objection to beginner.-." ' I IMPRACTICAL. Secretary Harrison, listening in Washington to the visionary hopes of an advocate of universal ppacc. said: "Such d.-sirps are as impractical a. Willies. His aunt said to him one morning: "Willie, an antrel brought your mamma such a nicp little brother for you last night. Wouldn't you like to sec the dear little baby?" " 'No.' Willie rpplied. "but I'd like to see the angel.' " OLD TROUBLES. A Vfrtpran of thp American Civil War returned tn the home of his boyhood to attend a banquet given by the old hoys. The, diners wctc all men he had known as youngster". He expected them to talk over old times. Instead, one talked incessantly about his bad liver: another discoursed on his weak heart: a third bad a lot to say about his kidney trouble, and so it went. When the veteran returned to his home be was asked how he enjoyed the ban quet. "Banquet." he replied, showing vexation. "It wasn't a .banquet, it was an organ recital." WHEN IT HAPPENED. Among those who recently appeared before a Chicago police magistrate was a big. powerful Iriesh woman, who preferred against her husband a charge of assault and battery. The accused was so weak tliat he could hardly stand. It was, therefore, with some doubt that the magistrate surveyed thp couple. "Do you mean to tell mc." he demanded, "that this man beat you?'' "He did not—but he knocked mc down." "What! You werp knocked down by this physical wreck!" "Excuse mc. your Honor." said the woman, "but it's only since he struck mc that he's been a physical wreck." — BRIEF BIOGRAPHIES. The following ar? Patterlogucs from a little book just published: — Adam. —Thp first man. who was born on thp longpst day — it had no Eve. Author of "Only One Girl in the World tor Ale." Anne, Queen. —An early English Queen, principally noted for being dead. Burns, Bobbie.—The only Scotch writer who stayed in Gotland instead of migrating to E'«pt Street. Columbus. —T)[» discoverer of America. He died of a %Bfcen heart because he couldn't understand the slang. Darwin.—Tire mat »ho discovered that his family tree was a «ocoanut palm. Mendelssohn. — The married man's i enemy. Composer of the wedding march. ; Raleigh, Sir Walter.—The man who i introduced tobacco to England. The first |collector of cigarette pictures. | Shepparil, Jack. —A famous highway [robber. His descendants are supposed to be City solicitors.

A AVARIM TIME. " You look warm."' " I've, -been chasing a hat." '• Did your hat blow away?" "It was not my hat, it belonged to a pretty girl.'' "Did you catch it?" " Yes, my wife Baw mc chasing it.''

I THE "WILD BE.LST' SHOW." I "No." said the lion-tamer to Patsey Klannigan. "you can't have a job to look after the animals; but our pet i lion died last week, and we've kept the j skin, so Lll give you two pounds a wpek to dress up as the lion." "Two pounds!" echoed "Oe>od gracious, is there so much gold in the world? Right, sorr!" So Patsey dressed up as the lion, anil lay down in the cage. The menagerie door.s were opened, and the performance commenced. "Ladie* and gentlemen," said the keeper, "to show the wonderful docility of these animals, we will now place the lion in the cage with the tiger.'' "Man. are ye mad?" said Patsey. 'Think of mc wife and children:'' '"Get in." replied the keepe--, "or I'll run this pitchfork through you!"' l'ateey thought he inie;ht as well die one way as another, so he crawled into the tiger's cage, and when hp saw the animal's ferocious eyes fixpd on him he uttered a doleful wail and commenced praying in Irish. The tiger walked over lo him. "What's tbe matter wid ye?'' said he. "Shure. man. yp needn't be afraid. I'm Oirish mesclf 1"

"The pen i- mightier than the iword." ■■Then can the fellow with the lonntuin pen he said to he carryin. tonct-aled weapons?" Fir,-; (iirl .at escishorp. -. "I lout ,tre 'what kind of a husband 1 ™et." tsecorrd Uiirl: "t!racious!"' First (iirl: "S.i lotpr as he's ri.-h, handsome, kind, and generous." ALLAN KNEW. The teacher in a country school .lwaya tried to make the lessons as interesting lis possible "Now. children." she said, "let mc see what you reuiemb, r about the animal kingdom and the donuvtic animals that belong lo it. You have named all the domestic animals but one. Who cau tell what that one is ." There was no reply. ■'What." exclaimed 'Troes no one know? It has bristly hair, likes dirt, and is fond of getting into mnd." A email boy at the end of the claM raised a timid band. "Well. Allan?" said Teacher. "Please, ma'am." said, the little boy reflectively, "it's mc."

"TO MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME. Judge: " Have you anything to Baylor yourself before I sentence you, prisoner?" Prisoner: " Ye-., your lordship; I taught your wit',, and daughters the tango." Judge: '•Twenty years."

E.NTKRPR'ISINi;. The honest farmer who took in summer boarders greeted the new arrivals with truly rural onthusiasm. "1 swan. I'm right deott'n glad to meet ye." hp cried as hp extended a horny hand. "Heow's til' folks to hum?" The man of the party looked at the enthusiast with some suspicion. "Parmer." he cried, "your dialect strongly reminds mc of the stage variety." The agriculturist grinn.d "It's all right, ain't it?" he asked, "t gave an actor feLer a month's board free to teach it to mc." HONESTY PAYS. Thp packet of tea lay on the pavement, apparently unnoticed by the youth who stood near. .lust as a stout dame came along he darted forward, seized tbe packet, and, presenting it to her, explained she had dropped it. A coin passed between them. "I'm afraid you've been done, my boy," observed a passer-by who had the occurrence; "that person never dropped the packet at all." "I know she didn't,'' grinned the youth; "it's "er as it done. Yer see, I gets tho packet at 'ome, tears a small hole in the paper, empties the tea, fills It with Eishes, and drops it in the street: wonderful 'otr it works. Serves folk right for not being honest, I always scs." THE CONSOLER. A minder at a cprtain mill off hia work seriously ill. and one of „is mates who worked in the esame room decided to go and see how he, was going on. So last Saturday he called on his way to tbe football matidi. ""I've just come, to see your Jack, and try to cheer him up a bit. 1 verd he wpr' very bad." "Aye, he is bad. an' Aw'm fain you've coed," she said, "(.too upsteers and see liim. Aw'm just gooin' eawt s-boppin'.'* I'psetairs he went, and found his maete propped up in bed. and began to cheer him up. "Well. lin hanged!" he said. "But tha art lookin' bad. owd mon. Why, th-a'rt decin'. Tha just looks like Harry Smith did t" neet afore he deed. Aw'm just gooin' to see t' Latics. I wish tha wer' corain', but i think thas seen thi last foo'bo .match. Aw'st co' at th' Owd Loom to have a pint before I goo i' th* jrreawnd. an' I'll tell th' lads heaw bad theaw art. They bowt a splendid wreath when Harry deed, and' I dar'say they'll do th' same for thee."' T\te sick man groaned, but said nothing. "Well. Aw'st be gooin' now. .lack. 11l co' reawnd o' Monday neet—that's if t-ha'rt livin.' but Aw'm fecart tha. won't least till then. Good afternoon. Aw'm glad I coed reawnd just to cheer thee up a bit." Another groan was thp only answer. When the consoler got to bottom, of the stairs, he shouted up again:—■ "Eh. Jack!" '"Wbat?" was tbe feeble reply. "Oh, it's nowt much."' shouted his mate. "But Itaseta ever noticed what awdcard steers these are for gettin a eooffin deawn?"