SCHOOL HUMOUR.

Auckland Star, Volume XLV, Issue 125, 27 May 1914, Page 2

SCHOOL HUMOUR.

TEACHERS' COIXECTTON OT HOTWXBKS. SrDOKT OF GOOD PTORTEfi. ' Mr. D. C, T. Mekir-, M.A., first asslstaDt ef PortolH-Uo lliehiT liradc School, r* centty dclircreii a racy lecture on 'SSchoo> Iluinonr" In the hall of Nowimrton Tnitnl I'ree Cluirch, JCdinburgli, when he reuouztted a rlci strln; <rt TUp Her. Andrew- (Ji!i:hrist, li.A. prpsldwl. ilr Mekie prefa.rcd his lecture by remarking tiiat ;hc gift of liutm.ur »hou!<l be cultivated in ail -walks of life: above all It was or value To a tejir-her whose work imposed a severe arid nervuns strain upon him. The charm of a cool -howler." he Uußiphi, lay in Us unexpectedness. The unlooked for disrurliam-p of ;he flow of thoasht was a ple-aisaut slio'-k. :ir.d if ii did not occur too often prevented ibeni from A r.O.W; BAELET LiBAF. Mr. ilekie then commencwl lit" bndget »1!h tlu- fi)!towlng:—Many years' offo lie ms (riving a lesson on tlie xeosraphy of ABStralia. and lad. spoken of the Ureal r-arWer J!e<-r. the naujr.-il coral breakwater tfUch quarts the eastern coast. Next day a girl qnirc seriously iirfurmed. h'rm Uiat Hhe shores of Australia wrre protected by a jrrent tiarUry leaf, <lnradrr-ds of miles long. A similar unfortouate associatitHi of wonla. ti" proceiKled. alike in wiund, but qnlie differfiit in roeflniug, would esplaia the fnlluwbrir dellglitfnj answers:— •■The tee;h of aiUnrals he!]>fd lo iJomesti cate their fnod." "ISymoloH' i- o roan, -who caJrhes Insects ami efuffs them." A HEROIC TrENERAU AdoUwt cause <rf nnconscions esciiool Snimßir way the joitaposiaon of two perfectly correct lint not statements. Jn his own school the subject cure Kivej) lor compos!'. iort was **Tonr faTonrite hero 4b history." One boy seletrtinl the la-te <!<Ticnil Wan■chope, and began Oms: —•Irraerul VTanKiioffo Wiß a T-ery hero." ITie next ititatraiejit was al» true, bnt Dlaced UmiK-dJately after the line - 'Tie ©.ycd -ffirh Ms wire- at Nkldrie." A tct similar answer said Mr. Mekic. eppeared in a literatniv paper on Sbakee>eare'3 play "TweifUi Night,"' where a iyonng lady "wrote -Orslno was a rourascons WIHITI- Jie wanted to marry The conftiHion between words similar in y--■* cipUinrd tnese two anCTvere: "\ -iftmnnomrter is an 4nstrunw*n± for meastir;Jn£ tempenmcp,*' ami! **A "vacuum Is a targe enrpty spare •where the Pope lives. , ' A POETUAIT OP ALGEBRA. Tiose wbo have studied geometry from tto -books of -Undid wili remember thai In schoolboy language -the subject Is termed —fihiclM." A boy wTi.> bad always considered Euclid as the name of a subject gaq>ed. oat Vhen he went lx> a new school oral saw a mythical portrait of Euclid, In xhe college hull. "My word, whercs

Three other "howlers" ran, "Alje'brakiil symbols are Used when you don't know what you are inlklng about." •'.V circle is a Hne Vhich meets the other end without ending." -A circle is :i straight linn- drawn as round sis possible with a dot ia (.he middle." ■In sonic s'bool.s the simple facts of physiology a-" c taught, bnt they were not clearly understood' by ttlP pupils who wroli'i "Mania Harvey invented the circulation of tin-"blood." , and ""Artilicial persprraUon is j way -to make persons alive wfcen they are only just dead." ■•WILLIAM TIIK COUNCTUKU" Tli.- history l»sann. observed Mr. Mcklo. furnished v law number of really choice examples of f-irool humour. Here is a new version of BnKl]#li lilatory: - ■■William ;>ie Cornrarer <-ume ever to Wnzland lv JOfiU. He passed many severe la-ws; one -was mllod the Danelaw, <vblcb «Blfl (hat all tires sboui'l tie put ont at cteht o-lork. "\\U wri Tiekry 1. died of eotiuj? i.nifr-js. Thulium :i Mt-kiM; was a priesl whii livc-.l In tie reijrn of Menry II.; ke used tn w.i'sli lhi> rent «r leopsrrda." Au Ineldem in Kußllfh history wUI be ■rrcjllcil wlifTi Kins .iohu was said lo lave )«t hiii .town In Tin' Wash. Lincolnshire, one buy rendered ii thus:— The saddest thine Kinc John dlj was tn lose his crown In the laundry.V ■\uotln-r i>K»yl*t wrote-- "UU-bard 11. v said I" I'fivc hcpn murdered by historiaus: his real fate U uncertain. Henry IV., v. he Min-eodKd lUin. Was the «nn of Jnl-.o if (irunl ■." IH XX 'I'--' (I.AUKNi'K'S KATE. "Ktnfi 1". '.wsird 1V.." said one pupil, "had m, claim t" the Kng-lis'J throne." The Uuki- of Clarence, ulx brother, was. accordins to ore version. "droWDod in cold blond." while amilhrr states •Clarence was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine: he never luupurd asain." Otter fetus werct-'W memorial buttle tis ut yuebee in 17SiV" and "the American War of Independence was started because the people would persist in sendlns parcels thn.iiuli Hie post without stamps." "Louis XVI. met n horrible fate: he wns pclntine.l diirliis the Krenclt Uevolntion." The lone war with Napoleon was prowere h'nlf so wonderful as the followlng:----~.\l Torres V.ilras Wellington threw np three lino* of earthquakes." ■•\>],on <vn- killed by a midget man ami hn/|r<l ! .:i I Sip cockpit of St. rani's ruthriltal.." ■When t!ie l-'rcnch ijttaek at Waterloo fr.il.-.1 Xanuieun turn-.! very pale and rode full gallop to St. Helena." Natural history wu> als.. a fruitful source. Au essay on tlie bear yielded the fnllowlns': "The brown bear lives Irpon nuts, Wild honey, etc. hilt the jrrlzziy bear upon the tflojics of the Uo«'ky Mountains." WAI! MIN-ISTEIVS NKW IH.'TIKS. When lie rcaJini; lesson was taken, said Mr Mekle. some tiiw w.as usually devoted to disenssins Hie jneauinss of words, and they ocrasii.ua,iv obtained some enrious onswerp. surli ah--"The Minister of War Is the cir-r::vni:in who preaches to the soldiers iv Hie haH-jeks." •The Home nffire Is where Tlnme Ttnle is made. -i 'ntiS'TipUon with certain thlusi wbi.-« have t.. !»■ put together umally used by . brr.'i-i- " •A iilshl watchman is ■: man employed to sleep in lhi. h|i,mi air '■ •'WonirnV »iilTr»?i- - t.,.- stato ef »nf-fe-im- t.i nliii-li ih.i «er.- burn." The fc.,/r:i|.i •■ 1.-.iui i« ri-spotißlbie for the r..:i .». - :.-,.! it ivi i unrprl-ip many in leu-n thai "11 ar'h i- ar. .vr*olete spbepninfnl and Incuralilc digpaw." There :irc five . ontinen:s—A. E. I. O. TJ." lien , is a fact which tnient be brought to the notice r,r Mr. I.loyd Oeorge:—"ln Scotland there are chrap fnrms and dear forests." "E.N-TEHPRJSI.VG" DANISH COWS. The esphination of one scholar as to ■«*? so much butter was Imported tana T>ertinark was 'becirase Danish, cows have Kreafor pnterpTigp snrl srrpcrlpr eduratlon." A rlass was rreelvlng instrnrtion ragardlnjr the Balkan peninsula and its pooplofi. unii when the- traditkuial bra»erjL,of Ujc

Tnrfc was mentioned, a. boy tenderefl. Ui« folto*lng explanation:—"'A m*m with more ttma one wife is more willlnff to lace death thiin if he bad only one." On the snbject of wives, too. a youthful writer, referrtnc to the. Indian marriage customs, stated: —"In India a man out of one cast may not nmrry a woman out of another cast."