Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIV, Issue 303, 20 December 1913, Page 15

Merrier Moments

"My wife kisses mc evenings when I get home late." "Affection ?" "No; investigation." "Miss Wombat, -will you be mine?" "Never." The young man was jarred, but not wholly discouraged. Presently he came back in this fashion: "Well, will you Jet mc be yours?" Ferdy: You are not like most of the other girls I know. Sylvia (very softly): Xo? Ferdy: No. indeed! The others tan, but you freckle! "My dear, I see you are having some clothes made for your poodle." "Yes; it is the latest fad." "Well, I serve notice right here that I don't button any dogs down the back." Wife: What time did you get home last night? Husband: Eleven-thirty. Wife: I sat up until twelve. Husband: Yes. I sat on the front steps until you retired, so as not to disturb you. HIS CLASS. Robby: I think I like you better than any of the other fellows that come to see sister. Percy: I'm pleased to hear it, Robby. Why do you like mc the best? Robby: Because sis always lets mc stay around and hear what you say. THE SOLITARY OCCASION. "I never knew old Simpson acknowledge that he had made a mistake." "Ah! I did once." "Really! How did it happen?" "He put the lighted end of his cigar in his mouth." WOULDNT USE SLANG. Donald had been to Sunday-school, and on coming home was asked what he had learned. The lesson was the story of Joseph, and tbe small learner was evidently very full of his subject. "Oh," he said, "it was all about a boy. and his brothers took him and put him in a hole in the ground, and then they killed another boy. aud took the fust boy's coat and dipped it in the blood of this boy. and " "Oh, no, Donald, not another boy!" hi-5 sister interrupted. Jiorrilicd. But Donald stood his ground. "It »■_-=. too," he insisted. Then he added. '"The teacher said 'kid.' but I don't use words like that!" WHY. INDEED? A certain captain had been lecturing his new recruits at some length on "The Duties of a Soldier." At last he thought the lime had come to find out just what he had accomplished. Casting his eye over the room, he fixed on Private Murphy as his first victim. "Private Murphy." he asked, "why should n soldier be ready to die for his country?"

The private scratched his head for a while: then an ingratiating smile flitted across his face. "Sure, captain." he said, pleasantly, "you're quite right. Why should ho?''

HE KNEW. Mrs Peck: "Don't you find all those glass cases r little dull. John?" Mr Peck: "Not at all. Some of them are very hitcresting. if you know where to look.'" HAD HER EVE ON HIM. A well-known writer was -present recently at a dress rehearsal of a comedy played by amateurs at a London theatre. The rc-heareal went well. bur. the hero, whom we will call B . seemed rather hard and cold. The novelet sat in the stalls next to a cliarming lady of middle age. She said, at the end of the third act: "It goes beautifully, doesn't it: "Beautifully." paid tin- gentleman. "But B doesn't make love t g that preny girl in :'-s ardi'jt a manner as T con™ wir-h. His love-making, in fact. strikes mc as very tame and spiritless."

The l.ulv frowned. "He won't put any more spirit in it while I've got my eve on him. let mc tell you." she said. "I'm -Mas B."

i It's pretty expensive work consulting one's lawyer, but it costs nothing to keep one's own counsel. Two costers met one morning. "'Ad any breakfast. Bill?" asked one. "'Not a drop." replied Bill. "I've eared for several persons," she explained, "but I never havi loved anyone so that I would have been willing to give up my home and work for him, if necessary. That is real i">ve, isn't it?" "No, that isn't real love. That is softening of the brain."' IN THE RIGHT PLACE. An Englishman, at a dinner in Xew York, hailed with delight the conviction by the courts of an American who had stolen millions by means of bogus mines. But a friend of tlie criminal heaved a sigh and said: "Poor old Charlie! His heart's in tbe right place, anyway." "Yes." said the Englishman, "and so, thank heaven, is the rest of him for the next four -years!"

"FIRST TIME I EVER WANTED A WEED TO STICK!" THE REFEREE SCORED. Tho cause of all the bother was a penalty kick that, like an election egg •,va-s somewhat doubtful. Becoming more and more heated, the 'rival football captains were in fiery dispute, heedless of the presence and undoubted authority of the referee. Round the disputants were gathered their nob!e army- of followers. "You're a fool,"' shrieked one captain in frenzied tones. •'And you are a bigger one," yelled the other. -For one brief moment there was silence. Then the referee quietly interrupted. "Now that the captains have satisfactorily identified one another," he remarked, "perhaps, gentlemen, we will proceed with the game." A STAGE TRA.GEDY. "Die. villain!" the hero of the drama said, and shot off his revolver at the villain's head. "But the gun didn't go off. Six times the hero pulled the trigger, and not a .single explosion took place. Tbe lyidienoe was getting hysterical, when the victim struck an attitude and said: ''Your pistol has missed fire, Sir Reginald, but what difference does it make? The thought that I was to be shot has 1 lightened mc to death!" And he rolled over nnd died. HE DIDN'T COME BACK. "Want to git board here, hey?" said a rural resident to a fastidious young gentleman who had been engaged to teach the school in that district. "Well, I guess we can 'commodate you if you're a mind to jist sort o' take things as they come.' We don't put on no airs. here, we don't. We're jist plain, everyday- kind of folks, and here, you. Bill, keep your fingers out'n the teacher's pocket: and. Buck, you give him back his watch and chain, or I'll larrup you good!

"As 1 was a-sayin'. mister, the teacher gin'rally boards here, and Mary Jane, .git oc the back of the teacher's chair: and. .Tack, you better bring his hat back Tore 1 give you a good warn-in"!

"Yes. sir. mister, you'll find us plain sort o' folks, and Tom. if you and Zed don't stop stiokm' pins into the teacher, he'll not let you sleep with him when he comes here to board!

"You see. ouster, the boys they take turn about, two at a time, a-sleepin' with the teachers that board here, and

Bill! 1 see you piisnin' that old rag to the teacher's coat-tail. Give him a rap over the head, teacher! Here, you. Buck, you jist go'nnd tie that bullterrier up agin! You sec, the boys they've got a little trick of settin' our old biill-'terrier onto all the teachers that board bore. Whatll you bet Buck can't down ye two times out'n three in a fair and square rassel ? Bet he kin! Shed your coat and try him one. No? Got to be going? Well, you come along and we'll make you right at home!"