THE Ghost of Daggerham Castle.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 306, 23 December 1912, Page 5 (Supplement)

THE Ghost of Daggerham Castle.

(By W. GURXEY BENTHAM.)

PART 1. At Allfitts' Stores it is their pride That anything can be supplied: You've only got to tell them what; They'll get it if it can be got. The Manager, that man of men. Sat in his confidential den, Surveying with respectful air Sir Peter Pile, the millionaire. Who, in a cautious undertone, Made his behests and wishes known. The Manager's attentive eyes Betrayed no symptom of surprise; He seemed a little bored to find The job was not of tougher kind; He yawned, but like a man of tact, lie screened his nfouth to hide the fact, And toying with his pen the while, Replied in sympathetic style:

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"This seems to be a simple case : I You've bought the Karl of Daggerham's place. The Castle and the whole estate. The pictures, furniture, and plate; And you'll excuse my saying so. You've got it cheap. :'is castle- go. You've done it up. Sir Peter Pile. At great expense, in -panking style, With modern lit: in- of the best. Klectric litlhl and ail the rest : I think that I'm correct so far?" Sir Peter nodded. "Right you are." The Manager laid down his pen And said.'•'We'll g"1 to business then. I understand you purchased all — You bought tlie armour in the hall. The papers ill the ancient chest. The pedigree and ihin and crest; And. to indulge your inclinations. You even bought the poor relations-. You boutfht the village and the view, The family retainers too. The butler, coachman, gardeners, grooms, The church, the parson, and the tombs— In fact, ii might be truly said. You bought the living and the dead. You will i orreet mc if I'm wrong?'' Sir Peter muttered. "Drive along!" In his superior, courtly way The Manager resumed his say. ■•Tbu- far." -aid be. "the facts are clear; Now for the cans,, that brings you here: line thing you'd set your heart on most— You thought you'd bought the Daggerham ghost. Which ha-, for many n generation. Imparted such a reputation And sii.-h a I >n" of highbred mystery Tn nacgerhnm Castle and its history. He iis.-.l lo promenade and shriek And clank bis chain- quite twice a week. But th.'uah for eighteen months you've been there. He hasn't once been heard or seen there.'' Sir Peter, with impatient air. Begun to fidget in his chair. "No need." he said, "to spin it out; The ghost is gone beyond a doubt. I'm- done my b >st. but all in vain. To coax him back to work again. I've sat up all alone at nights: I've burnt all kinds of coloured lights; Aeolian harps I've also tried. And ninllleil gongs - which you supplied: And gramophones ~f every sort. But now—lo cut the -lory short— It comes to this, I won't be done! Can you supply another one? Can you rig up. to till the post. A genuine gentlemanly ghost':" The Manager a frown suppressed. \s he replied. "We do our best; The ghosts we have upon our books We guarantee as cennine spooks; They've all been carefully selected. And' some of them are well connected. And most have kept their situations In the same place for generations; But as their manners and their ways Belong to rather different days. Their conduct and their language we 00 not profe-s lii guarantee." -Ob. very well'" the Bart, replied; •'Send mc the best you can provide; But if you can arrange it. mind. I'd rather have n cheerful kind: The tragic sort that fume and fuss Are apt In grow monotonous; Rut net him settled ill the plaCe By Friday week in any case. My friend. Mohhisedcc MacYates. Is coming over from the States. When 1 was there be heard mc boast Too much, perhaps, about that ghost. He sccine.l at first inclined to doubt it; He cross-examined mc about it : 1 stretched a bit. and now he's cracked. To see the ghost himself —in fact I had a cable yesterday To tell nic he was on his way. The Manager's impressive smile Quite reassured Sir Peter Pile. He waved his managerial hand. "leave it to mc! I understand! I'll send the ghost along all right; We'll have him in by Tuesday night. I'll ring yon up. of course, as soon As he is there —Good -afternoon ! " PART IIPcene: The lAbrary at Daggerham Castle. The Family Ghost : What, here again? Thou scum, thou slave, Thou ill-bred, interloping knave! Sitting upon my favourite chair, too? Thou mountebank: How dost thou dare to? Prithee ,'ivaiint. lest 1 rehearse Mv rather famous withering curse.

.he Ghost from Allfitts': Ah, dear old Prithee, grousing still? You'll hurt yourself, old chap, you will! Yon know you really should take care; You're not so young as once you were. ["he Family Ghost; Caitiff! I'd scream, but that I fear To raise this hateful household here. rhe Ghost from Allfitts': Ah, there you are, you quaint old rip! That's where I have you on the hip! You're well aware you're not required; It's understood that you've retired. That's why I've taken on the job, You superannuated snob! The Family Ghost; 'Sdeyns! It may suit a ghost like, you To haunt a paltry parvenu. Shall I, who have been haunting Peers Of various kinds, for all these years, Debase myself to serve the ends Of this pork butcher and his friends? The Ghost from Allfits': To some extent, you dear old duffer, 1 sympathise with what you suffer. I don't deny, old chap, but what They hare a disappointing lot; The sort of aggeravatin' folk As can't appreciate a joke. Last night Sir Peter had a guest; Of course I tried to do my best. Just as the second course came in, I made the dinner-table spin; I 'owled, 1 squeaked, I banged the doors, I stripped the carpets off the floors; But after these exhaustin' pranks I never got a word of thanks! The Family Ghost: Thou juggling fool, I saw it all! 1 stood within the panelled wall; 1 saw Melchisedec MacYates Collect the fragments of the plates; 1 also heard him tell his host You were a clumsy kind of ghost; And then he mentioned to Sir Peter, He'd seen that sort of thing done neater, "At Maskelyne's," I heard him add, Which made Sir Peter very mad. Said he. Well, yes, he's been a bit Off colour lately I admit! 71 Melchisedec. to rub it in, Remarked. "It won a trifle thin! But then," said he. "you'll recollect It's enly what you might expect; lie's got beyond his work, no doubt; I guess he's just about worn out!" Oho! it does mc good to tell How very flat your fooling fell! The Ghost from Allfitts': Poor, outer-date, old-fashioned freak! A nasty, low. eavesdroppin' sneak! It's jealousy as sends you mad, You antiquated, stuck-up cad!

The Family Ghost; Ha. miscreant! In vain. I note, The hangman crushed thy lying throat, Prithee come on! and thou 6halt find A welcome little to thy mind. Let mc hut twist thy neck, and then Thou never shalt insult again. The Ghost from Allfitts': All swank! You know as well as I You 'aven't strength to 'arm a fly! The Family Ghost: Nay. but I'll plague thee, scullion base! I'll follow thee from place to place, From room to room, intruding clown, I'li dog thy footsteps up and down. The Ghost from Allfits": Follow my leader! What a game! Look here, you dear old what's-yer-name, I'd lead you such a dance about. In 'alf an hour I'd tire you out. Then there's another thing beside, A word from me'll make you hide. "What-oh, Sir Peter!" Look at that! Behind the panelling like a rat He's scuffled oil with might and main! 'E's g°t Sir Peter on the brain! But whist, they come! I'll set a trap; Sir Peter is a nervous chap. As they comes in, I'll make a smash; I'll drop the fire-irons with a crash. I'pset the tables, chairs, and screens. And send a vase to smithereens; 'Inch myself up beneath the mat. And make 'em tumble over that! Then pounce upon Melchisedec And pour this inkstand down his neck! I'll teach 'em to appreciate My doin's at a proper rate! The Family Ghost (reappearing near the doonvay.) Though I had sworn that I would not Perform for this degraded lot. To foil this vulgar trickster now. I'll break my self-denying vow. Crash of /ircirou-s, etc. \~iolcnt knocking. Knter Sir Peter and MacYates. in ecendress. But here's Sir Peter at the door; (let up. Thou miscreant, from the floor!

Attacks the other Ghost with tongs and shovel. A brief but furious combat. The Ghost from Allfitts', getting the iror.it of it. seeks refuge in a large oak chest. The Family Ghost shuts it down and sits on the lid. Sir Peter and MacYates watch the combat as well as the semi-darkness will allow. MacYates: My word! There's two of them to-night! Sir Peter, man, turn on the light! Sir Peter: Melchisedec. keep back a bit! Stay where you are, oi youTl be hit. The Family Ghost: Beware, ye two —beware. I say! Melchisedec strikes a match.

Sir Peter: « MacYates, don't irritate him. pray: a Blows out the match o Keep calm, sir, we are both bewaring! _ r. Great Scott! man, did you see him glaring? I « The Gho3t from Allfitts': o Hi! let mc out of this! p a MacYates: t I'm blest! He's got the other in the chest! J I'm going to strike another light; He daren't get off! He's sitting tight! Family Ghost screams with rage. Sir Peter: Look out! He's going to have a fit; i We'd better humour him a bit. i Ghost yells hysterically. i 1 MacYates: ; These rather feeble cachinnations Are meant for farmyard imitations. Sit down or else he might be vexed; I wonder what he'll give us next ? Ghost groans horribly. We must encourage him somehow; Come on! Let's both applaud him now! Ghost bellows. That's meant to be a lion's roar! A good attempt! Go on, encore! Well done, old Cobwebs, let it go! And don't mind us! Bravassimo. Ghost yells furiously. Bravo again! Just listen to it! We mustn't let him overdo it. Peter, old man, switch on the light. The poor old chap's exhausted quite. The Family Ghost: Nay, hold! Lest with tremendous oath And withering curse I blight you both! I scorn myself for speaking to A despicable pair like you. 1 In all my long experience I've never heard such insolence. A high-class ghost, I'd have you know. Is not to be insulted so. And now to let you realise How much I scorn you and despise. Sir Peter Pile, I give you warning. I leave this place to-morrow morning. Disappears through the panelling. Sir Peter: What a relief! By Jove! he's gone 1 . But look, here comes the other one. The Ghost from Allfitts'; ■ That rather scurrilous old file Has put it straight, Sir Peter Pile; And though his languege might be strong, He wasn't altogether wrong. We has our feelin's, same as most. You don't know how to treat a ghost. I'm sure I wants to be polite; But after what's occurred to-night I take the liberty of statin' You and your friend is aggervatin'. Since I've been here, the more T've tried, The more you've been dissatisfied. The gents I've been accustomed to Has never treated *mc like you. Before 1 took this place of yours. I'd been engaged by Allfitts' Stores. For private seances and shows. Where fashionable people goes: All tip-top folks, and most select, As always treats mc with respect. The work was harder, I admit; But, still, I'm goin' back to it. I don't intend to cut up rough. Like cantankerous old chuff; But, after all, it served you right. And, as for mc, I leaves to-night. Disappears through the floor. Sir Peter: I say, Melchisedec. you heard! D'you think they'll keep their ghostly word. MacYates: I guess you're right enough, old buck, You have the most tarnation luck — You always did! Without a doubt This is a fortunate get out. Just as you'd come to feel as though You'd have to sell the place and go. Those silly vampires, thanks to mc. Threw up the sponge and set you free. Sir Peter: Don't talk so loud! They might be near. And change their minds il they should hear. First thing to-morrow, we will ro To Allfitts' Stores and let them know About that scoundrel coming back. 1 want to put them on his track. And make quite sure they keep him to it— I shan't be happy till I do it!