merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 305, 21 December 1912, Page 15

merrier moments

The Ex-Hero: "Ah, my boy, when 1 played Hamlet the audience took fifteen minutes to leave the house." The Vicious Ex-Comedian (coldly):" "Was he lame?" A well-known Bishop, being told by a sountry parson, "My Lord, I have not dad a holiday for five years," replied — "Then I'm sorry for your congregation." Benevolent Visitor: "And what are you going to be, my little man?" Little Boy (after a huge dinner): :t l'm going to be—sick." FATAL WEAKNESS. "Father," said the young man, "I cannot tell a lie." "In thilt case," sighed the old man, "I don't believe you will ever attract any attention politically. THE NEW STEPHENSON. In answer to the question, "Who was Stephen?" set at a recent Bible examination, a schoolboy wrote the following:— "Stephen was the man who invented Puffin' Billy, for which he was stoned to death. And when he was being stoned to death he said, 'Lay not this thing to my charge.' " WORDS, IDLE WORDS. The Nervous Amateur: "I say, old chap, I got horribly mixed up in that big speech of mine. Did they notice it in front?" His Friend (kindly): "Don't you worry, old boy; nobody could hear a word you eaid." "Last night my wife and myself had the most foolish equabble of our married career." "What wae the subject of your dispute?" "How we would invest our money iJ we had any?" HE WAS OBLIGING. Little James, while at a neighbour's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, 'Thank you." "That's right, James, said the lady "T like to hear little boye say "Thank you.'" "Well," rejoined James, "if you want to hear mc say it again, you might pui some jam on it." " A GOING CONCERN." Jimson bought a business through at agent as a thorough-going concern. After six months he failed, but took his troubles very lightly. Meeting the agent some time laier, h< said—"Do you remember selling mc a business as a going concern?" "Yes, of course, I do," replied the agent. "Well," said Jimson, "it's gone." Newspaper Proprietor (angrily): "What did you mean by telling the mai who asked if there was money in mush rooms that there would be more monej for him in toadstools?" Editor of the Question and Answer Department (with the air of one who knov/a he is in the right)—" Because, sir, I looked up the man in the directory, and found he was an undertaker." A NASTY ACCIDENT. Bennie, aged four, met Henry, age( five, and the following conversation ensued: "Whatsamatter your head?" "Bumped it ona ceiling." "Ona step ladder?" "No, I wa3 playin' 'ith my papa ona floor an' I was sitting on his tummy." "An'nen what?" "Papa sneezed." DISAPPOINTED. When Tommy was taking his father's dinner, he stopped for a moment tc watch a workman emptying a sewer. "That," remarked Tommy, interestedly, "is the grate my brother lost a shilling down." The workman's eyes lit up. "Well, young man," he said with a show of carelessness, "you'd better get forward with that dinner before it's cold." In about half an hour Tommy returned to find the man still at the same grate. "Are you sure it was this grate the shilling was lost in?" "I am certain," replied Tommy, "be cause I saw my father get it out." UP AGAINST THE JUDGE. He was a Scottish advocate, and in his pleading he had several times pronounced the word '" enow " for " enough.'' " Mr. ," the judge remarked at length, "in England we sound tht ' ough 'as ' uff'— ; emiff,' not 'enow.'" " Verra weel, ma lord," continued the eelf-possessed pleader, "of this we liavc said enuff; and I come, ma k>rd, to tht subdivision of the land in dispute. 11 was apportioned, ma lord, into what ii Eniand would be called plufffcmd — s pluffland being as much land as a pluff man can pluff in one day, and pluff men But his lordship could not withstand the ready Tepartee, and burst into J laugh, saying:— " Pray proceed, Mr. - ; we know ' enow' of the Scottish language to un derstand your arguments."

Little brother: Where's my fishin' pole gone to?" Bigger brother: "Sister's usin' it for a hafipin." Mr A.: "Norah seems quite gone on the postman." Mrs A.: "Gone!? Do you know what that girl does? She posts herself a letter every evening so as to I make sure he'll call the next morning." " Yes, I know," said the cross-examin-ing counsel, in response to a suggestion by the witness that a monetary payment had induced one of the parties to take a certain course, " money talks all the time." " I agree," answered the witness, " particularly when it takes the form of a big fee on a brief." JOHNNY, STOIC. " Mamma," said Johnny, ac hie mothe was going out to make a call, "if you will let mc go just this one time, I won* ask for anything to eat." " Very well," said the mother. " G<£ your Siat." Arrived at the house, Johnny, perched •on tie edge of a big chair, became restlees as savoury od'oura came from the region of the krtchen. At last he blurted out:— " There's a lot of pie and cake in Wrie ■house." The admonishing face of his mother recalled hie promise, and 'he added: " But what's that to <mc?" "Have you any references?" asked the lady of the house. "Yes, ma'am—a lot of them." "Why didn't you bring thorn with you?" "They're just like my photographs, ma'am. None of them does mc justice." The husband of a woman noted for her extravagance in dress had a terrible dream. He met a strange collection of animals—several foxes, a beaver, and some seals —and they had no coats. He wondered, and then the beaver explained:— "We were skinned for your wife's furs." The man smiled. "So was I," H said.

'A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE. "The Upset in. China." GENTLY DID IT. In times of crisis and worry, a kind ■word has been know-n to have surprisingly good results. The .unexpectedneee of sueSi a. word is perfiape the eecrefc of its force. An anecdote is recalled -that Ulustra-tee this. 'A team -was working on the Broken. Hill road, and v bullock—Uie Beelzebub of the team —had gone obstinate, and the coach was passing. The whip woe swinging; ami some apt remarks -were just, forming on the back of -tthe 'teams* ter's .tongue when 'he caugfet sight of a. clerical hat on the front seat, and just in time thought better of it. He coughed poißely. "'Ahem —Strawberry," he eaid, "proceed!" ' To bis obvious astonishment, .Stravberry proceeded. NOT TO BE BEATEN. They were experts in many things, but chiefly in the art of bragging, and at the moment they were discussing their own wonderful feats as vocalists. " Why," said the American, blowing rings of smoke from his cigax, "the first time I sang in public the andience amply showered mc ■with bouquets. Bleae you, thera were enough to start a flower shop! , ' " Faith, aft' I can beat yon!" cried the Irishman. " The first time I sang waa at an open-air concert, and, begorra, the audience were that delighted, they presented mc with a house, they did!" "A house! You must be off your head!" interrupted the American, eeoffingly. " Xot at all," ansiwered the Irishman. " I tell ye they gave mc a house— it was a brick at a toime."

THE WANDERING SHEEP. Parson: '"I was glad to see you at prayer-meeting last night, brother." Village inebriate: "Was that "where I was? Well,-111—be—jiggeredi"