merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 215, 7 September 1912, Page 15

merrier moments

Alleged Humorist: "Can you imagine anything worse than a giraffe with a sore throatt" "Sure! A centipede with corns."

Mrs Henpecke: John, why are you reading the marriage notices? Mr Henpecke: I just .want to see if there isn't somebody married I don't like.

'"1 smoke nothing but a pipe now." "Practising economy?" "No; but the fellows who used to treat mc to cigars apparently are."

Friend: Was your play much of a success? Author: Success! Why, the women wept so that most of them went home with their true complexious.

Mother (crossly): Freddie, haven't I told you that you must not talk when I am talking? Freddie: But. mamma, you won't let Tne stay up after you go to bed!

THE NEW WAY. ■'.Say. Pop, can't we put this up to the Peace Congress!" ;,.M,- :- finest timorously on feeing presented with exorbitant bill): Don't you think this is just the—er—least bit exorbitant? Landlord (blandly): Oh, yes; just the least bit, not very mucL. A man staying at a hotel asked the person next to him if he would pass the mustard. "Sir," said the other, "do you mistake mc for a waiter?" "Oh, no, sir," was the immediate reply, "I only mistook you for a gentleman." HER GENTLE HINT. '"Oh. Jim, mother 'ud be that wild if she was to see you a-kissin' of mc." '"But I ain't a-kissin' of you." "Oh —I thought you was Jβ st goin' to begin!"' A SPOILT REFLECTION*. A lady, having left her umbrella in a tram car, applied for it at the office. "Oh, you ladies, you ladies'." said the official in charge, as he brought about thirty umbrellas for her inspection; '"you are so terribly forgetful." The lady smiled as she calmly pointed out to him that, with the exception of three, they were all gentlemen's umbrellas'.

CATS EXPLAINED. A schoolboy, asked to write an essay on cats, made the following amusing and original statement: — "Cats that's made for little boys and girls to maul and tease is- called Maltese cats. Some cats are known by their queer purrs: they are called Purrsian cats. Cats with very bad tempers is called Angorie cats. Sometimes a very fine cat is called a Magnificat. Cats with very fine deep feelings is called Feline cats." A DELIBERATE ASSAULT. Jones came down town the other morning with a somewhat bruised and swollen forehead. His friend Briggs viewed the contusion with interest, and asked:

"How did it happen, old man?" "Collided with the hat-rack last night," said Jones, shortly. "Accidentally?" asked Briggs. '•No, Briprgs." replied Jones, sweetly. "I have every reason to suspect that it attacked hip purposely." TAKING TT OUT TN TRADE. The bright little surgery at the rear of the doctor's house was occupied by two—the medical man and the patient. "Yes. yev' ''aid the doctor, "you are all right now. You needn't come here again" "But. sir," remarked the patient, "yot nboot der bill? 1 ain"t got mooch money. Mil you dake der bill out In trade?" The doctor looked his man up and down. "Well, I might do," he replied. "What is your business?" "1 am der leader of der liddle Cherman band, sair. Ye vill blay in front of your house every evening for yon month.' A.D 1588. The aged motor-van was somehow out of repair, and it indulged in a little breakdown about once a week, in order to vary a monotonous existence. It was snorting its way into a busy street. when there was heard a loud snap, and the weary framework came to a stop. "Look here,' , said the policeman, "this kind of thing; is occurring too often! Let's s* your number? Yes, A.D. 1588." "Go on!"' said a youth who wns in charge of a cart behind. "That ain't if s number: thafs the year it was built!"

.She: I see by this paper that the average person speaks 12,000 words a 'day. He: Yes; but j«oa'xe>~above the average person, dear.

'•Do you speak seseral languages, father?" "Xo, my son," replied Mr Henpeck, gazing sadly at his wife; "but I do know the mother tongue."

Patience: When I w*s young I had at least fifty offers for xny hand. Practice: Those were what you might call your palmy days, I suppose?

"What is that noise?"-asked.a presiding judge, when a witness's voice was nearly drowned by a rasping uproar outside the Court. "'Your honor," said the counsel for the defendant, "I think it ia the plaintiff filing affidavits. , '

A LUCKY PKJ. "I want you to tell mc plainly, doctor," said the man with the fat Government position, "what is the matter with mc." "Well, sir," answered the old- doctor, leaning back in his chair and looking at his beefy, red-faced patient, "you are suffering .from underwork andTflierpejc" "HIS" LIITLE LOI. Georgia lawyer (to coloured -prisoner) t "Well, Ras.soyouwantme-tO'defend you. Hare you any money?" Rastus: "No;i but Fse got a mule and a few chickens, and a hog or two." The Xowyer: "Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see? what do they accuse you of stealing?" Rastns: "Oh, a mule, and a few -drick--ens, and a hog or two," —" life."

A DOSE FOR THE DOCTOR. . Dr H -was -sitting- by the eide*of a rather deaf-maiden lady at dinner, -when, the latter, in a simpering manner, remarked, "Ought Ito call you, Dγ H ■ or Mr H ?" The medico is rather irascible, so he replied, ''Gull mc what you like, madam. Some of my friends call mc an old fool." The>lady, imperfectly hearing, innocently replied, "Ah! But these only peopte'-who-know yon intimately!"

; HIS KNOWLEDGE WAS TVmTTtin Gadabout was boasting of hie extensive acquaintance. No celebrity could be mentioned unknown to him. TT<> waa intimately acquainted with all of them. Finally Dobson inquired:— "Did you ever happen to* meet -'the Siamese twinsJ" Gadabout reflected-a moment, and then said: "Well, I am not quite, rare that I met. both of them, .but I kne\r one - oil them very well."

A CONVINCING COUNTENANCE. Young lawyer: '"I leave it to your Honor—doesn't my client's face carry conviction ?" Judge: "It surely-does—six months!" ALL ONE TO -HIM. The old Jiegro had put on his collar and his best coat, and was walking proudly up and down the. street. '"Aren't you working to-day, uncle? , asked one of bis acquaintances. "No, sah. I'se-celebrating my golden wedding, sah." '•You were married fifty years ago today?" ■ ■ - — - '"Yes. sah." "Well, why isn't your wife, helping you to celebrate?" .. . "My present wife, sah," replied the old man with dignity, "ain't got nothing to do with it —she's de seventh." SOMETHING- HKE A BETCKHBT. The story is told ef a coroner who; was called upon to hold an inquest over the body of an Italian. The only witness was a small boy of the same nationality, who spoke no English. The examination proceeded thus: '"Where do you live, my-boy?" Th? boy shook his head. "Do you speak English?" Another shake of the head. ;■ "Do you speak English?" Another shake. ~^*» "Do you speak German t" . Still no answer. "How old are you ?" No reply. "Do you speak Italian?" The boy gave no sign. ••Well," said the coroner, "I have questioned the witness in four languages, with no result. It is useless tojnroceed. The couir is adjourned."