WITH AN AUCKLAND CROWD.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 149, 22 June 1912, Page 19

WITH AN AUCKLAND CROWD.

OX A BAH,WAT TBAIN TO HEDBN'SV-DIaE. (BY "XOODIaES.") A birthday is a day of family monrning, considerable bereavement generally taking place—mostly in the region of the pocket. Our poor King had one recently, so all Ken' Zealanders knocked, off -work to condole with him. This year the sad occasion fell on a Monday, consequently many townspeople decided to mourn countrywards from Saturday tio Tuesday, and vice versa country people townwaxds. (For these latter funeral obsequies were arranged in the form of races, and none will deny that they were there the chief mourners. 1 was one of the former class, and chose -HelensriUe as not being over-exciting or over-gay. A lew others had apparently done so too, for ou entering a railway carriage, ste found that all the good seats, viz., those actually facing the engine, were gODC. and there remained but one seat with its back to the engine and four other little cushioned slabs one in each corner, all capable of holding two -persons. . ow if there is one thing I a.bhor dt is riding ■backward*, equally obnoxious is being perched on a si_-inc_ ledge without any back-rest in a dranghty doorway, so the only obvious course was to shift the seat that had its back to the engine around as is done in the -tramcars. Consequently, stowing all possible paraphernalia into the _at-rack above, I handed my companion the two umbrellas and commenced to shove. Somehow I was conscious that I was the centre of attraction, and that all eyes were interested in my doings. Endeavouring under this trying ordeal to appear -calm and composed I shoved all the harder —but with no appreciable result, except an increased interest in myself. This maddened mc, so calling to my companion to release guard upon the umbrellas, I demanded aid, and the two of us shoved -hard enough to move a whole train—had it been any other than the Heiensville. -Still no result, except an almost painfully concentrated interest on the part of the onlookers. This brought my anger to boiling point, so I shook it (the scat, not the anger), and rattled It and lit it and punched it and jibbed it and jarred it—but all iv vain—the only thing that was moved was that infernal audience —to suppressed laughter. Then -I looked iwise, and to hide my confusion stooped down and examined the thing for screws, and the next five minutes was spent in twisting and twirling andi sweating and swirling till the -blood rushed to my head, and there wasn't a part of mc that wasn't hot, and red, and uncomfortable. ' The audience enjoyed -mc some more. At last, tired, weary, and dejected, I retreated in despair, and retired on to one of the 'six-inch door slabs until some other chaps came along and tackled that seat all over again, and then I forgot I was tired, and sat -back to enjoy the fun. -My! what fools they did look to be sure. And _ow hugely I did enjoy myself from my narrow seat-hold by the door. And then they got tired and took to door slabs till there were no more left, and the last two _ad to sit down on that seat and have a miserable ride _ac_wards to their destination. (t have since discovered that this seat is kept by the Railway Department for the use of officious and Interfering Ministers •when, travelling, as they are kept so -busy .w'ihi it that they have no time to be prying into concerns Departmental.) 'At last the carriage was ___, and some were standing. The train was only half-an-_ou_ late, so the gnard was trying to wake up nnd get busy. There had actualty been "speeding-up" on Oris- particular line, so the officials -were laboriously trying to live up to their newly-acquiTed rep_tn___. but it didn't come easy. Up and. down the platform they hastened, calling .out "Seats, please," and those standing mmtely <juestion with their eyes, "Where, thank you," and only -wished they co_ld. Fortunate early-comers for the next train- dashed on at the last minute w_t_ _i_mpcrs and su-adry paper -bags—the guard waved _ Is hand mysteriously, and gave his tUscordant -whistle— and so she was off. Once assured that they are really started, the crowds in the various carriages began -to dispose of .themselves and their belongings, each according -to his own idea of comfort and quite oblivious of anyone else's —as is correct railway etiquette. Our firstclass passengers languid-y opened magazines and newspapers, and -placed their feet on cushion ends, aud put on other first-class airs; the second-class didn't put on any airs at all—probably because there were no cushion ends to put _hem- on; they merely recounted their personal and private history to each other at the -top of their voices, and iwhat their .cllowHras-engers didn't know about them at the beginning of the journey, they knew -thoroughly and well before liberated at their destination. One of the more far-sighted of out carriage had the forethought to inquire of the guard at what time we should arrive at our tiestlnation.. Seven-twenty, we were informed. We became optimistic, and iwaxing conversational, commented on the recent "speeding-up" of the trains, and- on comparing notes we found -that we -were actually travelling at the rate of seven miles an hour! We wondered how it was done! We were sure no other country but New Zealand could boast of such extraordinary speed on her railways, and- some of us were in favour of sending a petition to the -Hon. the Minister s _or Railways to. find out how It was managed. Just then the optimist, who had been busy -with -pencil and paper, broke into the conversation, and said he figured if she still maintained her magnificent pace, we should do our thirty-eight miles in 7h 25m 1..8573; and he reckoned we could look to end our little jaunt at 0.25 14.857 next morning. And then he went out to look for that 7.20 guard. The remainder of the passengers continued the ordinary railway habits. The inevitable railway orange soon made its appearance—and disappearance—in company with" such other delicacies as peanuts, bananas, ihuns, apples, ginger beer, and lemonade, cakes, jam. tarts, and ham sandwiches. It was quite unnecessary to perceive with the eye what particular dainty your neighbour affected—a whiff was quite sufficient, and even more than satisfying. Contrary to the prognostications of our friend the optimist, we were discharged at our journey's end on lhe right side of midnight, and as I ■went supperlcss to bed, I had time to make a few notes. 1. —Railway carriages are provided by our kind and paternal Government for the exclusive benefit of our country settlers' wives and families as private nurseries; the leather upholstered cushions make admirable backgrounds for sticky fingers, and the other passengers' clothes do as foot-wipers. 2.—The hat-racks in them are intended for anything over a ton or so; t__ue-paper -parcels and umbrellas are placed on the Hoor under the seat, where you go away and leave them. 3.—Beats are not made to shift; let the B_s_e___r_ do .that

—————mmm—mmc^— —————— 4.—Windows are not _tade to open, except -wihen passing _xro___. a .tuttnel. t __en they -defy all efforts to dislodge them. Ao yon come out ot the tnnnei they come down with n crash iiud stay there. This keeps the smoke in and gtves you a smutty face. TMs Is a free gift from the Kaifrvay Department, and yon are entitled to take it—the smtrctiness—away with yon on your person. Most people do.