merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 72, 23 March 1912, Page 14

merrier moments

Ilv " '"--■ i—-^-' 1 :;-■-- —-—:~=-~-c--t-r_^i .' A Woman's Privilege.—" What is the latest thing in weddings?" "General! ,- it is the bride." Old Soldier (to tramp who has said be fought in Egypt): "No doubt you re " member Tel-el-Kebir.' Tramp: 'Rather: 0 why. it was mc wot shot the old boun- * der?" 5 Tommy: "What does this paper mean by calling Mr. Sharp an eight-by-ten business man?" r Tommy's Father: "I presume it means . he is not exactly square." i Voice from above: " I say, there's n boot of mine lying down there. Would you mini handing it up??" Carol Singer "Certainly, sir." Voice from above: 6 "Thank you, I want another throw!" 1 STILL B_s_L

r | "What do you think of girie being allowed to propose in leap year?" "It doesn't hither mc as long as there's ': still no year when men are bound to " | accept them." „ j Player (a-ter match with two ladies, r jokingly to caddie): " Now, my boy, which of those two ladies do you think is my wife'" Caddie: "I dunno; yer j was rude to '"em both." a! ; — n| "Aye, Jamie it wist pud thing for j you that yer rich freens wis born afore ' ye." " Well," said Jamie, " I'm nae so 1 sure aboot that—bit it wis a quid thing that they deed afore mc." | Magistrate: "Do you say this man ' stole your coat? Do I understand that i you prefer the charge against him?" ; Pat: " Well, nc, yux Worship, I preI fer the coat, if it's all the same xo J l you." "So you think the author of .■"'-.is play will i ye, do you?" remarked the triiriat. 'Tes," replied the , manager of the Frozen. Dog Opera House. t "He's got a fh-e-mile start, and I don't J th;; the boys kin ketch him." , Music Teacher: " Your daughter is I ' improving, but when she gets to the : scales I have to watch her pretty close- • ly. "Mother: "That's just like her ' | father. He made his money in the groci cry business!" I A certain woman assured b__ husband [ she never told him a lie, and never would. 'He told her he did not doubt, but would 1 hereafter cut a notch in the piano when 'he knew she deceived him. " No. you 'won't!" she screamed. "I'm not going | to have my pitno all ruined!" j | Mrs. Newly wed: " I was going to have _ j some sponge cuke as a surprise for you, ' I dear, but I confess it waa a failure." Mr. Newlywed: "What was the matter?" Mrs. Newlywed: "I don't know for certain, but I think the druggist i sent mc the wrong kind of sponges." 1 i The Doctor: "How is the patient this morning?" ,' j The Patient's Wife: "I think he's beti I ter, but he seems to be worrying about i I something." ;. Tbe Doctor: "Hum! Yes. Just tell i him I won't send it for a month. That j i ought to freshen him up jome." j A very absent-minded professor was i busily engaged in solving a scientific pro- , b]"m, when the nurse hastily opened the i . door of his library and an»onnc. a • j great family event. "The 1 .tl» stranger 1 . has arrived, professor." "Eh?" said the . : profrssor. "It is a little boy," , a id t*e | nurse, " Little boy, little boy," mused the professor. "Well, ask him what he wants." CERTAIN OP IT. Elderly Spin'iter: You know, doctor, I I'm always thniking that a man is following mc. Do you think I suffer from : hallucinations?" | Doctor: Absolutely certain you do ma'am." PLEASURE IN STORE. Arthur: "When we are married, how sweet it will be to sit in the garden of! an evening with the summer sun setting, I and " Mabel: "Yes, darlin., and I will bring out my work whilst you water the garden, roll the lawn and pull up the weeds. And you will chop the wood, and bring up the coal and lay the fire for the next day. All before bedtime. Won't it be lovely, dearest?" Arthnr: « _ __.»_ ___-" * I

7 ==^i=^======-=rf=^_3^| TRUTH WILL ODTI Yankee: 1 .was once the owner _ I a nary that sang "Home, Sweet Boll! with such emotion that the tears out of its eyes and filled the ca_-- I it was drowned. *'VU(| "Oh:" said the Englishman. "t'_| one that sang 'The Village BlaevLa,! so real that t _e sparks c_m«, _J M moutn and eyes and set the <L_, i hre and it burnt itself to death!" a SHAM BATTLE SHAMS. 7 The military manoeuvres wer_ '•'I muddle. The "Purples" wl§ posed to be invading the tcrritoJ"tbe "Greens." but why the?"JSt what they were they didnV *_!„. know. c **«! bn- a smal] "Hi:" roared the "Greens." «.. You mustn't croS3 here! Can't see the notice? This hr!__» • _ posed to be destroyed." bndge ls | n "■'■ '= 't!" responded th. _. 1 tain of the "Purples," then, were supposed to be _wi_____ across. =-iu_™ A POSER. § The superviser 0 f a school was tr__J to prove that children are kckWl observation. fl To the children, he said, «N OW> d-cn tell mc a number to put 08-£ Lo B -£L 1 oard. ■■"* Some child said "Thirty-six." li. superviser wrote sixty-three. -~ He asked for another number v. seventy-six was given. He wrote '■___ seven. *^*r When a third number was asked, child who apparently had paij jfcM tention. called ont: '•Theventy-theven. Change th»t.| you can!" RUN DOWN. The Council employee had forßtft applied, in writing, for a holiday-Hjjj salary, of course—on the gronxub<thl he was "run down." "I'm a bit suspicious of tbki.'i^| downitis," remarked the chairman. _|| been very prevalent among the Cw. cil's employees of i_te. I propcie 4. applicant be sent for." "I beg to seernd t'ir.t." i The propns : t"n ■-.•«; - carried, I _»7 senger went .i se_rch .f the applieai Presently th«re was z. scnflling. «t r (_j door of th - - 0>"r:n: '--'hamber. "Order there'" ta»i.-ife man. "Officer, wh; do you —km tU person to try and force his Wijrtijk th<? room? Remove him instintiyl" "Beg pardon, sir," said the —» with a smile, the breadth of which v even his own capacious palm ceroid m ceal; "it's the man you sent fOTr-tt road foreman wot's run down." *$$. "Oh. well', let him enter, then." ...i . "Beg pardon, sir, 'c cant. Si _ fat for the door!" VLJ.Cp.Y OffTgE HOURS, .'-<

"Why did you go to Dr. ___«_,» stead ol Dr. Croakem?" ,: I on hUliem's sign it eaid"l2t j I,' anu on Croaker's it said '1 to -'.I*l 1 thought I'd piunge on the dt—g au*'j „ R—R—REVENGE. • "1 understand,' cioa_ed tne newspsj" ! o_.ce Lciior, as ne sidled into aie'eii ! loriai _a_c—w, ' _aat you invite remiM .o contribute ar-.eies?" "We do,' c l4U:l o_sly admitted m editor, adjusting _as gold-rimmed gi*6** aud s_adcniy- becoming industrious. ■'Sometniug snort and crisp? J ofm* the stouiaciness scribe. "Something short and crisp," eeW the Great One, his blue pencil remu» I lessly resuming its fell work. "And you don't boil 'an dofi!** tinued the office terror, his eyes e|| tering strangely. "Short and crisp articles, sir, _*»! usually boiled down, 0 replied 81 harassed editor, reluctantly wre-C_»| liis gaze from a pair of immacultwj shod feet. . jtp ! "Then," cried the long-suffering m»» ! script-monger, in withering tones, "1 CM j satisfy your fastidious taste at U-l You will find these articles both >-** and crisp!" ' •' So saying, he coolly -llaced npoa ta editorial dcsk —a bunch of carrotsl "And remember." he added, with- 1 * meaning, beating a rapid retreat,."