PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 60, 9 March 1912, Page 15

PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

BPIGcRAMMATIC CRITICISM.

David Belasco was condemning two melodramas that had had an unmerited success among the less cultivated portion of the public. "The first," said Mr. Belasco, in his epigrammatic way, "was all blood and thunder, and the other was all thud and blunder." MR. WILL CROOKS EARLY HARDSHIPS. Addressing a temperance demonstration in the Macclesfield Drill Hall, recently, Mr. Will Crooks, M.P., said he had tramped about the country, hard up and hungry. Many a time he had met men, and they had said to him, "Hello! Out of work! Come and have a drink, then." "No, thank you, I don't drink; but I will take the money if you like." "And I have taken the money," said Mr. Crooks. Many a time he had taken a couple of holes up in his belt for his breakfast. WANTED MORE. When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that state. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the Governor. "Fo' nothin' bnt stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You don't want me to pardon him," said the Governor. "If he got out he would only make trouble for you again." " 'Deed 1 does want him out ob dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man." "Why do you need him?" inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chiHun,' she saJd, seriously, "needs another ham." OUT OF PRACTICE. It is well known that the Kaiser is an enthusiastic yachtsman, and frequently is to toe found at the wheel of his yacht. The late King Edward is only known to have shown any desire to take command on one occasion, when he took charge at the wheel, and, having ascertained the course, endeavoured to keep the yacht in it. The Victoria and Albert was being escorted by a squadron of cruisers, and the captain of one of these vessels signalled to inquire the cause of the somewhat erratic course that the yacht was taking. King Edward saw the string of flags go up and at once inquired their meaning, which, after some little hesitation, was explained to him. His Majesty laughed, and then directed that the following signal should be given: "Pray accept apologies, but a.m a bit out of practice.—Edward." 1 A TOPICAL FABLE. The Chinese empire, now in a state of chaos, is, according to Mr. Lan C. Hannah, little more than a gigantic bit of bluff. It looks very big and terrible, but in reality it is all outward show, and the great empire is at the mercy ol its first determined opponent. In his book on "Eastern Asia" Mr. Hannah compares it to the donkey in an ancient fable. A monkey, the fable runs, was captured by a tiger. "Oh, spare me!" cried the monkey. "I urn thin and my flesh does not taste good. But I know where there is a fine, fat donkey." The tiger consented to spare the monkey's life on condition that he led him to where the donkey was tied. When the donkey saw them coming he was terribly frightened, but he tried to appear calm and bawled in a masterful tone: — "Monkey, you used to bring me two tigers. Why only one to-day?" The tiger did a record hustle back to the jungle. BRITAIN'S BRICK. Of the many relics of Nelson, few appear so interesting as a humble little o'bjct in an obscure Norfolk town. At the Paston Grammer School, near North Walsham, Lord Nelson was numbered amongst the pupils, and one summer evening he spent some time in carving the initials H.N. on the wall that surrounded the school. Years afterwards, when he became the people's idol, visitors made a point of viewing his handiwork on the wall, and precautions were taken to guard zealously this memento of the famous Admiral. But in 1881 a great storm blew down a tree, which in its fall partly demolished the noted masonry. On the following morning Mr. Rider Haggard, who was visiting the headmaster, spent some time in assisting to find the magic letters, and it was reserved for the celebrated novelist to discover the identical brick required. He handed it over to the principal of the school, and to-day the brick rests, enclosed in a shade bearing a suitable inscription, in the most prominent position in the sohool. Small wonder, therefore, that when a Norfolk scholar was asked the question, "Who was Nelson?" he replied, "He was a brick!" SOME RIPON STORIES. A couple of examples of "comical blunders in clerical speeches are given by the Bishop of Ripon in his Reminiscences. The first wae related to him by Dr. W&t son —better known, perhaps, as lan Maclaren, of "Bonny Brier Bush" fame. A certain archdeacon was speaking at a temperance meeting, and he adorned his speech with several humorous anecdotes. At length it seemed to strike him that he had perhaps been a little frivolous, so he pulled himself together, and endeavoured to close his speech in a fittingly serious vein. "But, my friends, to be serious, the sum total of all 1 have 'been saying may be told in a single word—"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.' Train up a child to avoid the bottle, and when he is old he will not depart from it." The second concerns an actual experience which befell the Bishop himself. "1 was present," he says, "at a parochial tea-meeting. The time of eating and drinking was over. The hot people were ranged in rows in the hot room. I sat upon the platform, facing the audience, and awaiting the moment when I was to address the people. The vicar, however, had to make a preliminary speech. His task wae to review the interesting ] parochial events of the past year. HJe told his tale, and, having mentioned several small matters connected with the parish work, he appeared to be reflecting whether he had embraced in his review everything deserving of mention. He brightened up suddenly. There is one thing which I must not omit to mention. During the past year -we have had the new cemetery bud <*at, which 1 .hope »Sl-be ■ ■ ■will be ■ ■ i «f m— Tlfi Inlii .iJiit*-