REAL HOWLERS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 57, 6 March 1912, Page 8

REAL HOWLERS.

A FEW NEW ZEALAND *■ CONTRIBUTIONS, rfj."Our education system is so delightfully overloaded, mad we try to impress the same brand on all and sundry, no matter the varying grades of material of which they are composed, that it U small wonder that some of the budding philosophers we turn out get things a trifle mixed at times. The gaiety of nations has been frequently added to by the unconscious humour of the confused student, and we beg to contribute the following budget of varied and interesting information actually culled in the Dominion from the lucubrations of some of the products of our comprehensive system. We will start with geography. The Vancouver route goes round the Cape of Good Hope. The San Francisco route goes round Cape Horn. (These facts no doubt account for the unconscionable delays we used to experience in getting our mails). Leeds is famous for cottons. Manchester is famous for woollens.

Japan belongs to England. (This may be prophetic. Many candidatese persist in classing Japan as a British possession ).

England owns the Phillipine Islands. ( " What do they know of England who only England know?" | Cook made a dash for the Sou" ole last year.

Steel is found in Sheffield. Steel is mined in Canada. (The idea that steel is a mineral seems to be pretty wide spread.

Trinadad. Barnadoes, Jamaica are islands in the Indian Ocean. Broken Hill is in the United States. Honolulu is a port in China. The Brahmaputra is a river in South Australia.

Mauritius exports mangroves. (Can the youth mean majipoes?)

It is in Egypt that the pack horses used in travelling across the Great Sahara are kept and looked after.

After this light and airy persiflage we will for a moment consider the more serious subject of English composition. Anybody guessing tbe answer to any of the following at the first reading is hereby entitled to boast, about, it.

If 400 millions of people) go from their old customs to European ways there will be sure to be a new light upon the aspects of China.

The most numerous source from which plains are derived is from the action of rivers.

He was equipped with every convenience—Esquimaux dogs, mules, scientists, botanists, geologists.

To account why the land is level cannot be stated for certain.

The more closely a man approaches the Pole, the more highly he is thought

Than to say that British India is one of tbe most important parte of the British Empire, there is no need to say more.

The chief object of Polar exploration is to get the honour of arriving there first, and be claimed for the country in whose name they search it.

Ferrell's law says that things in tbe Northern Hemisphere turn to the right. The surface of Australia differs lyRussia will have a great commercial future as she has tbe land to do it with.

Egypt is surrounded by commerce.

There are many different notions as to what the South* Pote is like, Antartic explorations* are m»* -chiefly for men's desire to know more about them.

They send and get food tot and from England. We really cannot make up our minds which we like best, the juxtaposition of the moles and the scientist* in the paragraph about the man who was equipped with every convenience, the masterly way in which the young person has wrapped up its meaning in the last sentence of all. or the implied conundrum in the fifth sentence. We are inclined to think that the answer to this last mentioned is: "Because the higher the fewer." Anyhow it is much funnier than. "Why is a bit of string."'

It is however only when we come to the history papers that the tragedy of school life dawns upon us. Imagine how the pages of Henry Green are playing leapfrog in the brains of the would-be graduates who turn out this sort of thing. The rule fell into the hands of the Jacobins, and wa« called the Reign of Terror.

Pitt's only downfall was his weak health.

The Episcopalians were rabbled and turned out.

Wilkes became the idyll of the people. Wilkes was the idle of the mob. The other Powers were not accentuated bv the same motives.

The King with the gentry were hurled to the scaffold. England would not join the Holy Alliance and when Canning became Premier he drew a deep gulf between it. William m. did not live highly. William lIL w»» a silent reformed sort of man.

William HI. did not li»a in wide circles.

Martial Juno. '(There in this than catches the eye. Compulsory training, the eatiegrams from Home ahout the mffitairt suffragette and a smattering of mythology have been at work here. He means Marsha] Jiraot.l William HL while he lived waa leas valuable than he deserved.

The Massacre of GJencoe was a dread ful thing against England. Marlborough -was charged -with per eolation.

Chatham 'bedridden, sick, and weary toddled to his seat. William ITL rarely took part in any daily topic except to ride about.

ChVe was very victorious. Wilkes was a low down sort of man. William TTT was a good sport. Clive was not shaping too well at Home.

England wanted" to have a,, dig at France.

Bohngbxoke showed Walpole up. We-cxrafess our heart goes out to the last five gems of pore colonial colloquialism. They are of the soil racy. The picture of William (whose heirs and assigns have surely a case for libel against more than one essayist i battening on a bath bun and a glass of milk is good, and Chatham "toddling" to his seat on a certain memorable occasion throws quite a new right on the hitherto misunderstood character of this renowned statesman. Hie cinematograph rights of royalty and the gentry being hurled to the scaffold would have been worth a King's ransom in this era of the picture show, and proves conclusively that there -were Sandows in those days.