Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 299, 16 December 1911, Page 14

Merrier Moments

"Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?" asks the teacher. "Because its head is so far away from ita body," hopefully answers the boy. Mistress: "Now, to-morrow night I'm giving a 'ball, so you must bestir yourself, and make yourself useful." Parlourmaid:. "I'm eorry to say, mum, I can't dance!" Dugald (in response to friendly invitation) : "Weei, man, I never touch whusky noo, unless I'm at the height of hilarity or the depth of depression; but I daursay I'm at present just in the state of moind that wad Justine a bit taste!"

THE ART OF POLITENESS. Paul Jordan was confined to bed with a bad chill, which necessitated medical attendance. At the end of a few days he inquired from the doctor if "he moight take a thrifle ov spirits and wather till go agen the thurst." Doctor: "Certainly not; you must not take any cold drinks." Paul: "Arrah, shure doctor, jewel, Oi'll nawt be takin' much wather in id; Oi jist named the wather fur the sake ov politeniss, do-yez-see!"

A militiaman returning to barracks late one night, munching his supper of bread and sausage, was accosted by the sentry: "Halt! Who goes there?" "A militiaman and a sausage!" "Halt, sausage! Pass on, militiaman!" ■was the instant reply. Whilst >being pinioned on the scaffold a condemned man was asked if he had anything to say before his exit from this world. "Well," he replied, "you might remind the warder that I shan't need dinner to-day I" An old woman was profuse in her gratitude to a magistrate who had dismissed a charge brought against her. "I thought you wouldn't be 'ard on me, your worship," she remarked, as she left the dock. "I know how often a kind 'art beats be'ind a ugly face." Intrepid widow: Speaking of conundrums, Mr Plocum, here's a good one: Why is the letter "d" like a weddingring? Proerastinatiraz Bachelor: Oh, Fm no good at conundrums. Intrepid Widow: You give it wp? Why, because "we" can't be "wed" without it.

Stubb: What's the trouble, old chap? You look angry enough to fight. Penn-. Oh, I'm furious. It took me an hour to button my wife's costume at the back, and then I told her a joke, and she laughed so mnch the buttons all flew open. What's the use of telling a woman a joke, anyhow? Father: "Well, my son, you hare no>w pot your coim.*nission and are prepared to join your regiment and fight for the glory of our country. Do you think you have the necessary qualifications?" Young Officer: " "Well, I should think so. I ivm the champion long-distance runner of our club." A BUSY TIME. Yankee (to hotel manager): "Say, Sonnv. what time does the feeding take place!" Manager: "Brea-Vfast seven t'll eleven, lunch eleven till three, dinner from three till eight, and supper from eight till eleven." Yankee: "Oee! when do I get time to see your city?"

WHAT AN HOUR MAY BRING FORTH

A GENTIaE HINT. v A miserable-sinner-looking clwrnni sought advic« of an experienced and was toH, among oilier thing, «ij you are preaciing of hell, your onW, expression of tountenaace iwill doTTtjI if you preach of,heavea, I should try «J and look a little more cheerful." *'™. BUTSUTO IN. In a small South Carolina tow* ti»i was "finished" before the war, two »~ were playing checker in the back" oft store. A travelling Jsan who -was ing his first trip to th* town was wit*! ing the game, and, nothing acquaint! with the business method* of the eitmaT he called the attention ot the own«rj} the store to some customers nko had just entered the front door^ "Sh! Sh!" answered tbe\atoreh(fticr •making another move on the Chech* board, "Keep perfectly quiet theyTl go out." , TOO MUCH FOR BTLti "I dunno how Bill's a-goin' to vote n this election," said the campaign worker "I've hearn tell he's on the, fence/ 1 "He wuz thar," replied the neighboiu.. "but one of the canderdates let fall »a o ]l lar on the off side o' the fence, and Ml got dizzy an' fell over." ' l -'r' SUPERIOR. «.'* little Nelly told little Anita Hrfct the termed a "little fib." S&& <;. Anita: "A fib is the same at a storand a story is the same aa a lie.* j Nelly: "No, it's not." Anita: "Yes, it is, because ttt said so, and my father is a profewj it the university." ■.:■■ Nelly: "I don't caw if he k VMt father is a real estate man, and he bunt* more about lying than your father dwa" NOT HERS. "Yes," said the small bad boy to tat ' reporter, who was looking (or tome news to put in his paper, "mother fell down. i stairs and broke three legs." "Pshaw! What are you flviia* me, youngster 7" cried the reporter: "Don't !be too funny. Your mother hatn't rot three legs." .;.. .

'1 didn't say she had," ntortadfia wicked boy. "The legs belonged to a table which mother fell sgsiut. Ski wasn't hurt at all."

JUST SO. "Do you know, little boy, tint I pn* posed to your sister at the partj tat night, and she promised to be my infcf* "Of course. That's what the party m for." A SURE TEST. On a pleasant Sunday *fternop» u old German and his youngest ton woi seated in the village inn. .>:., The father had partaken llbmljf d the home-brewed beer, and Wal tfabf his son against the evils of iaUnpefanee. "Never drink too muck, »y «* A gentleman stops when he ba» hii enough. To be drunk is a disgrtca" "Yes, father; but how can 1 teU.wta I have had enough or am drunk!" • The old man pointed with nil fllgK "Bo you see those two men littug it the corner? If you should eee fonr.w* there you would be drank."

The boy looked locg and ea«eißy "Yes, father, but—but—there fa <»lj« man in that corner 1" 7- : ■/'■'■.