Merrier Moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 287, 2 December 1911, Page 14

Merrier Moments.

: Mistress: Xorah, you must always, sweep under the carpet. New Servant-. \ Yes, mum. I always does. It's the asiest way of gettin' the dirt out of sight. And don't you go in for sport of any kind? He: Oh, yaas, don't yer know. I m—haw—passionately fond of dominoes. Teacher (reading aloud): "The weary sentinel leaned on his gun and stole a few moments' sleep.' " "1 bet 1 know where he stole it from." "Where, Dot?", : "Prom his 'nap-sack." I "John, I listened to you for half an •hour last nijght while you were talking in your sleep." "Thanks, dear, for your . self-restraint." A superintendent of a Oily Sundayschool endeavoured to give the summer meetings added attractiveness. Upon a certain warm Sunday in August lemonade was served. At the dose of the service the superintendent announced that slips of paper would be passed round and the pupils allowed to make sugges- ■ tions as to methods of making the meet- ' 'ings still more attractive. One young- : ster wrote: "Put more sugar in the ' lemonade." l | HIS PF.aSPECT. . ! Her Prospective: There are no grounds , on which your father could throw mc [ out. His Prospective: No, not in the front [ of the house, but there's a bed of gladi- . olas in the backyard which bos quite, , soft. . I J ! NO MONOPOLIST. "That girl in the breakers is evidently : in distress. Why don't you swim to her i rescue?" | "It would be bad form. I rescued i her yesterday." :i " " : i "Will you be mine?" 1 "Yes, till we are married." ' j "Till we are married?" 1 "Yes, then you'll be mine." ; AS "IT IS TO-DAY. ! To market, to market, ! ; ! To buy a fat pig; i , i Home again, home again, J i ""■ : re is too big. ' ! I INFORMED. I fimall Brother: Arc you going to marry ' Sister Ruth? Caller: Why— really don't know, you know! Small Brother: That's what I thought. Well, you are! , BEFORE AND AFTER. The Salvation Army were showing , some of their converts at a meeting up a court. Each convert made a speech in his 'tuni. saying what the Army had done for them. "Kind friends," started a poor old navvy, "I've got a lot to thank the army for. because afore I joined it, 1 use to beat my wife terrible, but now I'm saved I'm so humble that she knocks lumps , off mc." | A LDGAX, MIND, i Harold, aged nine, eaT.w> home one day so bruised a.td dirty that his mother was thrown into a state of marked perturhati- Ti. "Mercy!" she exclaimed in horror. "How on earth, my child, did you get your clothes and fatce into such a' state?" "I was trying to keep a little boy from getting licked," was Harold's virtuous, if hesitating reply. "Well, that, was fine !" said his mollified parent. "I aJi proud of you, sonny. Who was the little boy?" " j "Me." ' 1 i I

TRY re I "Mary," said a mother to her Quia. I tempered little girl, "you must not n»* mad and say naughty things. You gkouU always give a soft answer." When her little brother provoked her an hour afterward, .Mary clenched J. title list and *aid, "Mush!" M A GOOD AVERAGE. James Wilson, the U.S. Secretary of ; Agriculture, ended a recent address in \\ ashington on the autumn crop with a j crop story. "A commission agent" he said, "looked carefully at a handful ol ' wheat that bad been broug it him by • farmer's hoy. and then inquired: "How much more has your master got of this, |my lad?' 'He a-int got no more of it' j said the boy. 'It took him all the mots, in' to pick that out." SCALPED. In daylight little Thomas gloated oret his book of Indian stories, and longed to prowl in prairie grasses, and spring upon white, men, smashing their heads in witli tomahawks. But when darkness fell ht sent frightened glances at ail the shadows, and felt the Shivers run down hit tiny spine. "Mother," he whispered ont night, as he stared at bis old f&thei bending over his book, "-was daddy evei in the Indians' country?" "No," replied his mother. "Why do you ask?" "Because, if he wasn't," said Thomas, in an awed voice, "whoever scalped him?" POINTING HIS REMARKS. I The visitor to the Sunday-school had been asked to talk to the scholars. Hii theme was the possibility of youth, Hi dwelt at some lengtih upon the attain, ments of men of obscure childhood, and to point his remark turned to a littlt child near at hand and said: "Tell tv your name, bale man.' In a voia ! heard throughout the . -om, the littlt man piped up: "Sarah Watkins, sir." A FISHY STORY. "No, this 'arbour ain't wot it useter be," remarked the wharf patriarch, as he spat tobacco juice with unerring aim into the eye of an unoffending schnapper up little Shoal Bay. "In my time,' jjj,'' I went on to say, "there was good tishi'ir ,1 lin these parts. I've seen mc haulm* 'in nigh a ton of kahawai with a bit $. flax an' a bent nail just 'afore breakfast like." "And what did you baft them with, Mr Longbow?" queried the represent* tive of the "Meteor." "Didn't matter much," replied the in- , trepid fisherman. "Times we baited with a red rag and times we just greased th« hook. Bless you, 4001b kahawai and 900-. lb schnapper were's common as flies in those "times. Onct I got a tolerable fish on a fine line an' a bent pin. Would you believe it. but 'c towed mc an' the dinghy over a mile? 'E might 'er been goin' yet, but a shark nabbed him be th' tail, an' I hauled 'em both in. Came in near passin' in th' number o' mc mess over one of them mullet one day. I were playin' 'im for a long time, an' suddenly I looked round to find I'd been stalked ;oy a dreaded catfish; must 'aye been , 'near 40ft long. Nearer an' nearer, th. 'orrible thing crept, creopin' an' creepin', while it stared at mc with a glassy stare, an' I said to myself, 'Bill, yer time'J, come!' Nearer an' nearer it crept, an'l could almost 'aye looked down its throat, when suddenly a little dogfish wot I'd thrown back into th' water an hour before sculled across the bay, an' with ft mighty rush, fell on that catfish, an' killed it. No." he concluded, '"I don't do no fishin' these days, I'm lookin for ft nice soft shore job, an' if th' Editor of the 'Meteor' wants a shippin' reporter j you tell 'im I'll take it on." —Northcot* j ' Atheneum "Meteor."