merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 209, 2 September 1911, Page 14

merrier moments

Professor's Wife: You haven't kissed; me for a week. Professor (absently): Are you sure?. Then who is it I've been kissing? j He: For the perfect enjoyment of love! there must be complete confidence. She: I have heard pa say identically the same thing about sausages. "What was the best job you ever did?" inquired the first barber. "I once shaved a man." replied the second barber. "Go on." "Then I persuaded him to have a haircut, shampoo, facial massage, singe, sea-foam, electric buzz, tar-spray, and tonic rub." "What then?" "By that time he needed another shave." "Something has got to be done," declared Mrs Toots, "about this pig-steal-ing that is going on in the neighbourhood. Three pigs have disappeared within a week. It's got so now that none of us are safe " "Ever notice how actual happenings sometime fit into dreams?" "Had experience. 1 dreamed 1 was in my motor on a country road, and recall hearing an explosion. An incandescent light globe in the room had burst, and when I woke up I was under the bed tinkering the springs with my wife's manicure set." "What're ye comin' home with your milk pail empty for?" demanded the farmer. "Didn't the old cow give anything?"' "Yea,"' replied the boy, "nine quarts and one kick." Kind-looking Old Gentleman: "Don' you know what becomes of little boy who swear?" Small Boy: "Oh, yes; the become golfers when they grow up." An old countrywoman and her daug! ter went into a shop in town to buy bonnet. When she had purchased th bonnet, the milliner, turning to th woman, said: "What about a sailor f your daughter?" meaning, of course, hat. The woman, turning to the gi: indignantly retorted: "What about i soger for yoursel'?" "now does it happen that the largest berries are on the top of the box?" "Well, you see, madam," explained the accommodating grocery clerk, "they have grown so fast this fine weather that the last ones picked and put in the boxes are just naturally larger and bet- , ter than the hrst ones." ; ROBSON'S JOKE. "Robson, do you know why you are like a donkey?" "Like a donkey?" i echoed Robson, opening his eyes wide. "1 j don't." "Because your better half is stubbornness itself." The jest pleased Robson immensely, for he at once saw the opportunity of a glorious dig at his wife. So when he got home he said, "My dear, ' do you know why I am like a donkey?" He waited a moment, expecting his wife jto give it up. But she didn't. She looked I at him somewhat pityingly as she an- . ewered, "I suppose it's because you were born so."

NOT DANGEROUS. j He: I am consumed with rage whenever I see you. She: Why? He: Because I am married. A MIStrNrSRSTAXDINXS. "lie's very quiet, gentlemen," said an innkeeper, referring to a horse which two young City gentlemen were to drive, "but you must keep the rein off his tail." * ''Right," they said, "wc will bear that in mind.'' When they returned the innkeeper inquired how they had got on. •"Splendid," was the reply. "We had one rather sharp shower, but we tock it in turns to hold the umbrella over the horse's tail, so there was no real danger." WHAT HE HAD DONE. An old plasterer was called upon to give evidence in a law caw. The opposing counsel tried to bully him. "Your name is John Dobbs?" "Yea." "Are you the same John Dobhs who was sentenced to eight day=' imprisonment for using bad language?*' "No." i "Are you the same John Dobbs who was sentenced to a couple of years' hard labour for theft?" "No, that wasn't me, either." "Then you have never been in pris-on?" "Yes, twice." '"Ah! and how long the first time?" "One whole afternoon." "What! And the second time?" I "Only one hour." "And, pray, what offence had you com- | mitted to deserve so small a punish- , ment?" "I'm a house decorator, and I was seat to prison to whitewash a cell to accom- ; modate a lawyer who had cheated one i of his clients."

Mother: "Where are those <,*„«, that were on the tablet" Tom»i the tartß that were ia the ' board, I suppose." ""f "Dear Teacher," wrote Utile J onlmrt mother, "kindly excuse John's abee*. from school yesterday afternoon 7rZ fell in the mud. By doing you will greatly oblige bk mothorl" A blackmailer wrote tiw fallowim, . a wealthy business me thousand pounds, or I will »hd nct J? wife." ■ wl ' To which the business man renlUi "Sorry I am short of fund, but proposition interests me." "I give you my word," said the nrfft toast philosopher, "that when I discoTM ed that the clock I had been careful fa! wind every night for ten years wag « eight-day clock, I was inclined to J, petulant." ■

A TRIFLE MIXED. "My friends, yon will go on takhr the honey from the comb of the goon that lays the golden eggs until yon pan it dry!" - A HOLIDAY STORY. Mother ( to small boy going into til country) : "Frank, have you taken wo* thing you will need?" Frank: "Yes, ma.'' Mother: "Have you got your toothbrush ?"' Frank (indignantly): "Toothbmll Why, I thought I was going for * hgfr day*!" NOT CLAIMED. The feminine member of a well-kwn vaudeville team is in the habit of jottisi down any piece of "business" the tiiah would 'be of value in their art. <jM Sunday in church the service was off lectcd for a minute, and an idea, tbtt had just come to mind was duly enters! in the thing most handy—namely, tkt prayer book. And the prayer book *M left, behind. The next Sunday she wttt back to the same church, intending tt inquire for the book at the end of tie. service. The priest, however, antkipstal this by speaking of a prayer t»ok foni the Sunday before. "Our only memo! identiueation," be said, "is a rather pealiar memorandum in the rear of tkt •book—'When the pistol goes off, kick lather in tue face.' " The prayer book was never claimed. WHEN" SHE AGREED WITH HDL A well-known politician told than) eently:— "I have a very dear old housekeeper she is aged, but she has been like I mother to me. A little while ago noticed that my silver shaving-mug »i slightly tarnished, and I asked the ol lady to polish it for me. The nO inorninjj 1 found it shining like tt sun. I completed my toilet and tht went into the kitchen to thank her fa hc-r kindness. " 'Mrs. G ,' I said, "my mng look a lot better this morning.' " 'lt surely does, Mr. J ,' «hj« r> plied, glancing at me.* You always 108 a lot better with a clean shave.'" SOOTHING THE MINISTER. i "It ain't everybody I'd put to sleep! ] this room," said old Mrs. Jinks to ft fastidious and extremely nervous yoffl( minister who was spending his W night in B at her house. "This bf i room is full of sacred association!.• ! me," slfe went on. "My first husl»« died in that bed with his head on,th» very pillers, and poor Mr. Jinks d» sit tin' right in that very choir tbtfl in the corner. Sometimes when I con* into the room in the dark I think I •* him sittin' there still. My own f*tb* died la'yin' right on that lounge und* the winder. Poor pa! He was a sneer* nalist. and he alius said he'd appear il this room again after he died; and some times I'm foolish enough to look for hi* If you should see anything of him** night, you'd better not tell me; for lit be a sign there was something » Speeritualism. and I hate to think tt« My sun by my first man fell deadJ» heart disease right where you stw* He was a doctor, and there's two wnoa skeletons in that closet that belong* to him. and half-a-dozen skulls in "» lower drawer. Well, good night, »» pleasant dreams."