Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 191, 12 August 1911, Page 14

Merrier Moments

Master: "Why were you late for, early school, Wright?" Wright: "Please, sir, I must have overwashed myself." j Farmer: "Do you want a job digging potatoes?" Tired Tim: "Yes, I do, pro-, viding it's digging them out of thej gravy." | The contributor wrote: "The enclosed are original, and have never been published.'' The editor answered: "I can quite believe it."

Little Girl of Four (standing entranced before the window of a toy shop): "Oh, mother, if you were my little girl wouldn't I take you in and buy you some of those lovely things."

NO OVERTIME. First Workman: Leave your pick in the air, "Bill," it's 12 o'clock.

Doctor (To his cook, who is just leaving) : Sarah, I am sorry, but I can only give you an indifferent character. Sarah: "Well, sir, never mind. Just write it like you do your prescriptions."

"Fm surprised, Jimmy, to learn that you play with bad little boys!" "Yes, sir." "Why do you do it? Why don't you play with good little boys?" 'Their mothers won't let me, sir."

Whilst waiting his turn in a barber's shop for a shave a man asked the lather boy if he had ever shaved a monkey. The boy a little bashful, replied, "No, sir; but if you'll sit down, I'll try."

"My husband doesn't mind walking the floor with the baby at night any more." said Mrs Binks. "Why is that?" asked Mrs Jinks. "He makes believe it's a Marathon race," said Mrs Binks. "He covered the twenty-six miles before eleven o'clock last night."

"Your father doesn't think you have been especially well-behaved," "said the small boy's uncle. "I know that," answered the precocious juvenile. "But things I have heard mother say make me think he isnt any great judge of high-class deportment."

Magistrate: "You are accused of stealing 20 reams of foolscap and a gallon of ink. Have you any defence!" Prisoner: "Yes, your honour. I am a novelist. I was simply collecting material for a new story." " DAMNING EVIDENCE. "Madame," says the agent of the black hand, "we have a photograph of you and Count de Gayleigh riding in an automobile. Send £2OOO to us or we will publish the picture." "What care I?" haughtily says the lady. "The Count is a gentleman in i every way, and, besides, he is going to I marry my daughter. There can be no scandal connected with my rising with him." "That's not the point. It was a 1908model car." With a low moan, the unfortunate woman sank to the floor, after giving a feeble indication that on reviving from her faint she would write a check for the hush money. ' AN IMPORTANT OVERSIGHT. j "Giles," said De Whizz to his chauffeur, before he started on his run, "have you oiled the machine thoroughly?" "Yes, sir." "Are yon sure, Giles?" "Yes, sir, I have filled the Bpring cups and the engine reservoir, and I have greased the connet-a-piston. the pluribus unam, the exhaust pipe, the muffled tread, the thingumbob, the rimajig, and both the hot boxes." "Are those all the parts you have oiled, Giles?" "Yes, sir." "You have forgotten the most important place of all. Take the can and squirt a few drops of oil on the license number, so that the dust will collect on it and make it hard to read. Always remember to lubricate the license number, Giles."

Farmer's Wife (to motorist who*.. I chine has struck a fence and throw! Si thirty feet into the I have an accident?" Motorist 7«Lis* himself up,: "Bless you. way I always stop." - * «• I | Fanner's Boy: "Father, why i I rise in the world the same as iSvZ men? For instance, why csnnct I«Z day become Secretary for AgricultaSS Old Farmer: 'Too late, too You know too much about fannin'."

"Why do you always carry your 3 brella?-' remarked the worst borel, town. "Because," moaned his victim "my umbrella cannot talk." And panh silence enveloped the landscape for , short space. *

"Electricity in the sir affects your system,'* said the physician. "Yes"*!! the patient, who had paid five gain*! for five visits, "I agree with you thu there are times when one feds gj. charged."

Little Daisy: "Is your jpyfljfc.Jcj is visiting you, your father's papa or your mother's papa?" Jack: "Why W| mothers papa, of course. Can't yoa M he's smoking his pipe in the drawn* room ?" , i. ; a? A DIFFERENT REASON. She: Why did you lean totymxi u} kiss my young lady friend while we mn going through that tunnel t He: Well, dear, I thought it was ** She: Why, then, didn't yon explain a her afterward ? ; He: Why didn't you; explain yomuHi She's a perfect stranger to me. She: I thought afterwards perW you might have been ashamed. j He: What made you think that t. She: You had your head,out of §H window for about an homv He: Oh, I was rooking for another pj neL

GREAT SNAKES. Smith (at the club) : Yea, bjf Jim, there's very little you can teach me. Vi% been everywhere, done everything, mi everything. The Scotch Member: Young man, did ye ever have D.T.'s? Smith: D.T.'s! Great Scott, not The Scotch Member; Then you've M nowt. THE BAD OYSTEB. He had spent a most convivial cveoin| in London West End, and was cot screwing his homeward way through tit streets, when he happened to notice "U oyster bar. and it occurred to him tint a little light supper was the very thiaj that he required. Entering, he c»!lti for a dozen, and, by slow degrees, mi» aged to demolish eleven of- them, •'ffiev for a few moments, he paused, and mldenly called loudly for the manager: "That oyshter's bad!" he protattij indignantly, as the boss of the bar l& rived. "Impossible!" replied the other, In* ly yet courteously. " "Tell you—hie—it's b—bad!" Mm* ped the boozalier. "If it isn't b-rW let's—liic —see you eat it!" ' a "Certainly," replied the manager, •»* immediately suited the action to tt» word. The other gazed anxiously •• him. "Feel all ri'?" he asked, presently. "Perfectly," replied the manager, wia a smile. "You're a oWlish clever Wig* l *' murmured the drunken man, as ne|Wr" ed him by the hand. "I tried-4ta» times —and couldn't swallow hbri! \