MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 149, 24 June 1911, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Mrs Pegg: "Good gracious, Jane, have you been using paraffin on. the fires?" Jane: "Yes, mum—sure, and I always used it in my last place." Mrs Peg: "And did yon never get blown up?" Jane: "Yes, mum, often—almost every day by the missus, mum."

■ "Don't be afraid of the dog," said the foousewife. "He merely wants to follow you." "I know that," answered Plodding Pete, "but it doesn't ease my mind. I once saw a locomotive follow a cow up the line!"

Mamma: "Willie, what do you mean by breaking all those egge?"

Willie: "I heard papa say that there's money in eggs, and I'm trying to find it."

Mrs Newlywed: "Fred, dear, I have done you a great injustice." Mr Newlywed: "In what way?" Mrs Newlywed: "Well, I suspected you without reason. I asked several of your friends that you go to the club with if you knew how to play bridge, and every one of them thought a minute and said you didn't."

"In what way?"

Uncle Hiram stroked his throat whiskers and watched the big touring car as it whizzed p&st him and up the road, emitting a trail of 'bluish smoke from its oil-choked engine. "Huh!" he sniffed. "Them maybe swell city fellers, but they certainly was aemokin' some durn oiful seegars." GUESSED IT THE FIRST TIME. "Ma'am," said a quack to a nervous old lady, "your case is a scrutomory complaint, and is rapidly becoming chronic." "Pray doctor what ds that?" "It is the dropping of the nerves, ma'am —the nerves having fallen in the whizerinktum, the chest becoming morberous, and the head goes tisarizeen, tisarizeen!" "Ah, doctor," exclaimed' the old lady, "you have described my feelings exactly." A man who had been fighting got two black eye 3. Neit morning he met a friend, who exclaimed, "Why, Jack, where have you been? iYouVe got two black eyes!" "That's nothing," lie replied. "I could have got pientfy more,' only I 'had no place to put them."

A printer in making Tip the formes in a hurry got a marriage notice and a grocer's advt. mixed up, so that it read as follows: "John Brown and Ida Grey weTe united in the flour by the quarter or barrel. Mr Brown is a well-known codfish at 8d per lb. while the bride, Miss Grey, had some nice pig's feet, which will be sold cheaper than at any shop in town."

Norah, the parlourmaid, had absorbed the contents of a bottle of very choice ■whisky. When she applied for a "character," her employer was rather put about to word the document in full light of the facts. We commend the result as a striking example of the resources of the English language. He wrote: "Jforah O'Brien has been in my employ only a week, but I know there is much that is good in her."

A minister, in an address to other ministers, once eaid that he thought ministers ought to be humble and poor, like their Master. "I have often prayed," said he, "that I might be kept humble; I never prayed that I might be poorer I could trust my church for that." A DOUBLE MEANING. On a very hot day a teacher was vainly endeavouring to instruct his unappreciative class in the rudiments of geometry. "With the point as the centre," he began, placing one leg of the compass on the point. Then- he turned to the boys to make some remark, inadvertantly letting the compass slip. Immediately the "black sheep" of the class raised his hand. "Yes, Johnson?" said the teacher. "Please sir," was the prompt reply, "you're off your dot!"

TOO URGENT. Two Irishmen were out hunting, with one gun between them. The man with' the gun saw a bird on a twig and took careful aim at it. "For the love of Heaven, Mike!" shouted the other hunter, "don't shoot! The gun ain't loaded." "I've got to," yelled Mike. "The bird won't -wait."

ENOUGH FOR ONCE. "' A boy twelve years old vritt, of melancholy resignation,' Sf $ teacher and handed in the ti P ,& note from his mother before S eat:--' Dear Sir: ££&* h for not being present yestS Played truant, but you 'negSi?'. | for it, as the boy he playS tr3 > and him fell out, and hf and a man they threw Stones af him and licked him; and th / d cart they hung onto the owner of a cat licked him. Then \MM when he came home, afterhis father licked to give him another for to mc for telling his need not lick him untU ne*t V ' thinks he wUI DEFENCE. >' Andy was before the ■«, .■,■-:' ' '■ PRESENCE OP Munj - "Hallo!" exclaimed a costerm'n-' meetiiig an acquaintance «S%°! did yer git for that th^l^ haccident?" '"Eavy ones, my toy," wa « «. accompanied by a' myself, and twenty. <g g "Yus, in course! I 'ad Hie'«£' ; •'■•■' mind to fetch'er one rescood! 'Er l O pke?|^ THE LAST THBEE DAY& For one so young, hi s knowlek. „. extensive in the extreme. All came to his hand he readS2?£ papers, treatises,-or Blue BooksH "Father," ihe said,, f<l far tfel, Oscar ~ going to be :warri^^ A father, visiting hia SQR i n big cities, was anxious w B ee Vaudivi, The son took him to p^» shows in town and gave One of the turns, a ypupg w/S in an opera-cloak, and Next time she. appeared.dressed wfi skirts and-danced. A :tliir4 tip S showed herself jn a tattJM'-.rfS sang a seaside her bow to the audience for -Wftjj time, the old man we Jmj 'said: "Gee! I hope sheoQn^^t,,^

• T.TTCtt CUBES LHUL ■•; Hat-pin-proof hat patented: by fe Gentlemen's Protective AssodatibiS "■'• TIM WAS RIGHT, Mrs Tim O'Buss sat up is H m! clutched her worser halFe t^Wß]c4.Wl "Tim!" she whispered ha*tffjy, "Willi is it this time?" he asked wwiif, 'BOf glarsl" she exclaimed. WNpoaeßse! 11 Si retorted. "It isn't nousensel I tell yei they're downstairs!' ? ''Well, Lie they're not!" "And I say tiiey aril' "Gently, mum, gently!" growled yittf voiced individual, popping ..hie hwJ W (I the door. 'Tm married must stick by my sex. Ypur-'psfctfi right." "What do you mean?' , serein Mrs Tim hysterically. ?'WJ»fe -gW we're not downstairs," retorted.s? J»"' glar as he closed the door jagajnj W upstairs." A DEFECT. A certain sceptic was contending!* , fore a minister that the work ef W Creator was manifestly imperfect, "Have you not, yourself,". "noted defect in the human -ciSjW 5 * for instance, oi bett*(» trivanoes?" ii ». To his delight there waa tie im Pj ply: "Why, yes, I really thipklf*' l "In what respect?" "Why/ , drawled the parsofeP 1 see when I -want to shut oatwyW disagreeable from my sight, I c^ ,_.**• down my eyelids and it's all dope,' fft unfortunately, I haven't any fl»p»:je « ears." v, :-y Free conversation ceased at *r' that point. Countrywoman to Census Emwi#»!< 1,1 Why do you want this paper!" ;. Enumerator: "In order that Wf® try may know about the increase of w population." • 'Vijiite Countrywoman: "Then you nWWW call in a month's time." * . *.-■■%

TOO EGGS-CITING,