WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVII, Issue 87, 11 April 1906, Page 3

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

£By "Old Salt."^

It has been-admitted very, generally for many years that a policeman's lot is not a happy one, and the machinery for enforcing prohibition orders certainly does not make"it any happier. The .number of'papers issued in a fortnight, last month, amounted- to no less than seven thousand" five hundred:, and- were distributed amongst ninety-four hotels. , Surely the proprietors should undergo a : course of -training on the lines of "Stokes on Memory," and there is an excellent opportunity for the publication of a work, the title of which might be, "Mnemonics on Tonics." Should the number of these orders continue to increase and multiply, it will soon be found more simple to issue licenses to such members of the community as are entitled to indulge in the cup that inebriates. I would suggest a competitive examination, and the issue of licenses regulating the supply to just that point at which sobriety ceases. The capacity 61 - the individual to be ascertained at (of course) the expense of the State, and only the best materials used. Then the pride of the "five gallon a day man" will know no bounds but the five gallons. At an important public gathering the Bishop of Chichester advised that all constables in arresting an unconscious person should ascertain clearly whether the body was' hot or cold, because drunkenness, was denoted by the cold condition, and serious illness if there was great heat. A constable, who occasionally dallies with the muse, and is therefore a sworn friend of the writer— professional jealousy does not exist between high-class poets—in reply to an inquiry of mine with reference to the above "Star" par, said:— "Xo. sir. I haven't noticed. Though drunks differ too a lot. Some tafees it cool as cucumbers, And some blokes get red-hot. Last week, Fd two one evening, The first one that I struck, He hardly moved a muscle. Only muttered, "Just my luck!'' My cheque not nearly busted. And lumbered!" He could talk: But I bad to get a cab to him, ! Although he swore he'd walk. The next one was a terror, I He fought like forty cats: He tore my bloomin' jumper. And ruined two mates* hats. Took three of ns to. jug him. Then wouldn't tell his name: Bnt lor! when Kettle saw them, I They both fell in the same. i tr ar ' ir '' w «r • Ko'. bat nor cold don't matter, "When they meet Kettle's gaze: "TIT warm both you habrtuals! Two quid or fourteen days!" The attempt by a mere man to penetrate even one of the minor mysteries of the feminine toilet has been brought home to mc, since f was foolish enough, in my column last week, to refer f o per- | oxide of hydrogen in relation to golden I hair, as a ease of fools rushing in where j angels fear to tread. With tho usual ] susceptibility of old sailor men, beauty j has never failed to draw mc by a hair; 1 but now some of the fair (hitired) I owners threaten to draw and quarter 1 mc. after the methods approved by our forefathers. One in "particular -writes mc that rt per-oxide has quite gone oat," and the new style of treatment is a conjunction of tartarate of soda with auraline. She finishes an indignant letter—"but who would expect anything fresh from an Old Saltf Another correspondent—a man, and j pathetic rather than indignant—moans I that he is in receipt of a letter accusing j him of being the author of th>j verses ' and the writer the victim, since her i name happens to be "Madge." Sit still, j both fluttering hearts! However, since II was the means of throwing the apple j of discord between two fond onis—by I the way, the first man of whom we have j any record eame>.by his trouble through 1 an apple —I wil try and advise the youth I in the other matter, to which he refers j "the letter is signed only with initials — i care of G.P.0., Auckland. Should I address my reply to the initials or to the i name by which I knew her V 1 My son, when addressing a letter, ; To widow, or wife, or maid, ;TJse full name — initials, or. better, I A pet name, be no wise afraid. I Tour fear is when "signing" episti.es, I Be -wise, oh! my son. and attend, S For that purpose, nse bnt initials, i And, preferably, those of a friend, j i A newspaper shipping column is not, i as a rule, very amusing reading, yet a I contemporary provides oxceptious with i astonishing frequency. Following the importation of a quantity of post holes, II read that a steamship arrived in Welj lington, somewhat unexpectedly {a j touch of ingenuousness, that I). having 1 come from Newcastle for a supply of ! bunker coal. ■ Surely that should have I read coal. One may expect., (soon, news that °The s.s. Hardship of j j the Clothes* line ii expected to arrive j shortly at Lyttelton from the River j I Plate with a shipment of frozen mutton I consigned to the Canterbury Preserving Works." JSS ..-*-- I j To do,honour to one's guest has been j a law of hospitality since, if not before, the historical pearl, was. dissolved and swallowed at a idraught. A good illustration of this is found in. the story of Foutenelle and.his intimate friend, the Abbe Terrasfou, who, agreed upon all other points, differed as to whether asparagus should be dressed with oil or witb butter. When entertaining bis friend one day Foutenelle, with true politeness,, instructed his. chef to prepare a basket of this delicious vegetable, one-half with oil for his own delectation, and the other with butter for that of his guest. While the banquet was in course of preparation the Abbe suffered an"apopletie stroke and expired almost immediately. Foutenelle, his duty as host at an end, before summoning a physician, flung open his door and cried to the chef: "Tout a Phuflej maintenant, tout.a lTiuile'."' (All with oil, now, all ■with oil). '" f r; l The foregoing is rather a long preamble to an incident which followed my ; reading aloud of the loss, sustained by a local farmer (yide ""Wairoa Guardian) who-carelessly fed-. into a chaff-cutter his coat,- containing notes and cheques to the-.tune (it seems appropriate after '•"notes'" 5 ) of forty pounds !"Cheques seem tame an expensive diet for cows!" I remarked, whin a youthauditor; j»id> S»nissQv fiftea

give cows 'checks,' don't they? Is not : that why all the butter pats are crisscrossed I" Lord Roberts is emphatic as to the necessity of instructing the rising generation in the proper use of firearms, and few will quarrel with his opinion; but young Sew Zealand—ever precocious— is going too far. Accidents and fatalities have happened as a result of trusting a stripuhg, of as years with a pearifle and a veteran., of two witb a loaded revolver. Let the young ide* be taught to shoot, by all means? but first not to 'shoot itself, as this probably deprives the State of a good marksman, and second, not to shoot its playmates, as this is a sure means of reducing ones circle of friends. An "election" ' 'Is selection ' -■ »-ss»f-i :«* *;£--■>' . » : .Sy a'section, .■.-■;->--■ t.. - -..:r?? : li7 Wh'ch constitutes just simply a majority. The' rejected, ', Jfot elected, - ' - ■-•-»■ - ; Are ejected lj. By the smaller section, classified minority. When shopping the other, ""day.' in Auckland, a friend of mine explaujed to the shopkeeper: "If I buy anything that 'Old Salt' does not pay for, efiarge. it to the a efub." A triahgulax way of book-keeping, which" was new to mc, and. in this connectiott,'the-ex-cuse may be allowed wMcb offered to mc by a taSor in Sydney,- wlto sent, mc * letter demanding payment of an account- that had been already paidr "Ob.! we keep our :&ooks by